DP 'flips' when I'm upset, throws lose threats at me

[ForProudCrow]

Hi, seeking some advice on a recent situation with DP. We've been together for two years, and this weekend we attended a milestone birthday party with his friends.

Here's what happened:
While at the party, I overheard DP talking to his friends about my return to college as a mature student. When asked what I was studying, DP drew a blank and got embarrassed. Later, when we were alone, I expressed how hurtful it was that he forgot, but instead of addressing the issue constructively, things took a turn.

DP became upset, stating that I'm not good at sharing details with him and that I never ask about his career. He even went as far as suggesting I should leave him because he's not a good partner, and he dramatically mentioned throwing himself out of the window. I rushed to comfort him, but this isn't new.

It's not the first time he has reacted this way when I express my feelings. Instead of engaging in a healthy conversation, he throws back at me what I've done wrong, suggests I leave him, or brings up extreme actions like wanting to run away or harm himself.

DP doesn't have a history of mental health issues and we generally have a good relationship, but this behaviour is makes me fearful to share feelings. Any advice on how to navigate this and help DP understand my perspective better would be appreciated

Thank you @samqueens for that. It's very insightful.

He would often tell me I was all he had, he never loved anyone like me and tell me I was stuck with him. It would make me think is this love bombing.....or is it just that you couldn't find another woman to be with you.

I hope you're doing ok @Unexpectedlysinglemum. I'm sorry you went through all of that

I'm just remembering another thing he said the other night was that he's fearful all the time that he will fuck up again, which made me feel sorry for him as if he's trying but I expect too much

Run for the hills, controlling, nut job conditioning you

Huh? How do you get that from someone who threatens to harm himself because you call him out on failing to pay attention to the basics.

He’s got you well trained. I hope you can see beyond this eventually.

I think he just has a pile of issues @moderate. I don't think anyone wants to be a narcissist/running around threatening to self harm (I really hope not!)

Be very careful of this way of thinking. I thought this about XH. ‘He doesn’t mean it’. He couldn’t help it, it’s how he was raised..it’s dangerous because you are sympathetic. My XH would never think he was abusive! But I can give you a list of 50+ examples of behaviours that were (I started it in case I needed evidence for the divorce).
In some ways, it’s worse. It’s like his default setting. Can’t be changed, doesn’t even know he’s doing it.
It’s actually kind of irrelevant. If it’s harmful to you, whatever its intention or cause, you need to stay away.

@ForProudCrow it’s insight I would give a hell of a lot not to have…

and yes it’s lovebombing, and yes the saying he is worried he will fuck up is just an additional way to tie you in - an invitation to caretake him and feel responsible for his emotions. With the added benefit that when he DOES fuck up he can then say “see - I was so worried I’d fuck up” and it’ll trigger those feelings of feeling sorry for him rather than anger at what he has actually done.

I believe that the hardest thing about dealing with personalities like this is that they probably aren't doing it on purpose. And, worse, they genuinely don't understand that their behaviour is a problem because their thinking is so disordered. They say narcisstss are made, not born. So the fact that he had a shitty childhood is not surprising at all. And it genuinely is a reason to feel empathy. But its NOT a reason to limit and reduce your life. Not least because, sadly, no matter what you do, nothing will ever be enough for this personality type.

It's all about him isn't it! His feelings, his worries, his mental health, his fuck-ups... None of it is about you because your job is to make him feel good, to comfort him, to assure him you won't leave him, to keep him calm and happy.

I can guarantee that this will become worse and worse the more you embroil yourself into this toxic situation. You will learn that it's your fault 'for expecting too much' when he's unhappy or stressed. You will walk on eggshells around him while tolerating his unkind words and actions.

Please think very carefully about what you want your life to be in five years time and if that is to be on equal terms with a loving, considerate partner, then you need to get out of this current relationship now, however difficult and painful that might be.

He will promise to change, promise you the earth, threaten to kill himself and try to make you feel so sorry for him that you take him back but you can be strong and prepare yourself for that.

You know you deserve better so make it happen. 💐

Thank you wise Mumsnet.

For anyone who has experienced this type of relationship.....is it common to feel really stressed after leaving it and convince yourself you led him to his outburst? I am thinking about all my actions that week and how I could have caused him stress.

Yes, I think it's the most common reaction because you've become used to holding yourself to account for someone else's unreasonable behaviour. People cause each other stress by moaning, feeling upset, being grumpy etc but in a partnership it evens out. It doesn't result in one partner's stress or unhappiness trumping the other one's every single time so that partner A is constantly self-reflecting on what they've done to cause partner's B's stress while partner B doesn't give a monkey's about how partner A feels.

@ForProudCrow Yes! So, so common. I was in a very similar relationship, and I felt AWFUL afterward I ended it. He was telling me he was suicidal etc, I so nearly got back with him because I'd been so manipulated into feeling responsible for him that, regardless of MY feelings or happiness, I felt it was my 'duty' to be with him and look after him. Honestly, so fucked up, but that is NOT what a healthy relationship looks like!! My husband has never and will never manipulate me into being there for him, emotionally healthy people don't do that! Be strong, in a few days the clouds will lift and you'll start to feel that glorious weightlessness that comes with freedom from a toxic partner.

I went from being strong and grateful that I could leave to wondering if I made us toxic. I'm going to hope it's just a phase and i'll get passed it quickly.

It sounds to me like you have internalised the notion that you are responsible for his happiness.

Not only is this untrue; but if it required you to tread on eggshells to achieve it, he should not want this, if he actually loved you.

This. He's creating a dynamic where he is free to speak and you aren't.
You mentioned a milestone birthday. If it's 30, please don't have children with this man.

@LostittoBostik It's 40. We won't be having children together.

Thank you again for those commenting. He seems to be telling people I was 'needy', not a word I ever thought about myself but now I wonder was I. I became needy as I was battling for the basics with him and then he'd get stressed/shut down. I shouldn't have battled, it made me look weak

@ForProudCrowNeedy?

If anyone repeats this to you then laugh. Look amused. Say, 'He is struggling to accept that I ended the relationship, I think. I don't think anyone would describe me as 'needy'.

But let's be honest - his friends know who the needy one is. It's him, which is why they kept telling you how low he was. Just don't engage with it.

Looking back I think I should have just walked away rather than sitting him down so much to say 'I want this from a relationship', 'When you did this it upset me'.

I then would go quiet when he treated me badly because I didn't have the energy to argue. Silent treatment isn't a good way to act either.

Strength op, you know the truth. You do not need to be defensive. If needy comes up again, you say yes, women expecting a man to be able to occasionally engage on a serious conversation is indeed ‘needy’ to many men. I would call it not being emotionally immature, but I never dared say anything that direct to him as he’d have absolutely lost it.

It was a cycle of bad treatment - me communicating the issue - fights/stress - making up/love bombing.

Counselling will not make any difference to this behaviour. Ass PPs have suggested he is being abusive. As a domestic abuse victim, I am knowledgeable about this and this sounds very much like domestic abuse, especially the self harm threats.

Look into trauma bond/Stockholm syndrome. You want the high and love bombing when he comes back, it makes you feel validated

Get rid quietly and asap.

Sounds like a classic abuse cycle ForProudCow. Being aware of it will help you to break it.