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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP 'flips' when I'm upset, throws lose threats at me

207 replies

ForProudCrow · 12/03/2024 13:50

Hi, seeking some advice on a recent situation with DP. We've been together for two years, and this weekend we attended a milestone birthday party with his friends.

Here's what happened:
While at the party, I overheard DP talking to his friends about my return to college as a mature student. When asked what I was studying, DP drew a blank and got embarrassed. Later, when we were alone, I expressed how hurtful it was that he forgot, but instead of addressing the issue constructively, things took a turn.

DP became upset, stating that I'm not good at sharing details with him and that I never ask about his career. He even went as far as suggesting I should leave him because he's not a good partner, and he dramatically mentioned throwing himself out of the window. I rushed to comfort him, but this isn't new.

It's not the first time he has reacted this way when I express my feelings. Instead of engaging in a healthy conversation, he throws back at me what I've done wrong, suggests I leave him, or brings up extreme actions like wanting to run away or harm himself.

DP doesn't have a history of mental health issues and we generally have a good relationship, but this behaviour is makes me fearful to share feelings. Any advice on how to navigate this and help DP understand my perspective better would be appreciated

OP posts:
Shetlands · 14/03/2024 17:36

ForProudCrow · 14/03/2024 14:35

thanks Mumsnet.

I have blocked and removed him from everything this morning. Our mutual friends think I am being unkind to him, which is difficult. I feel only I see that side to him so my (irrational I realise) worry is that I pushed him to act this way. That is going to take some tough love to myself to get past

Well done!
Your mutual friends haven't seen the side of him that you have. Feel free to tell them that! You did not push him to act that way. He'll be just the same with the next woman once he's settled into his real self again.

ForProudCrow · 15/03/2024 15:56

Mutual friends are saying he's really low, which has me concerned I'm being over the top. I was already mad at him before he said the threat. Did I kinda push him into it? I took the Mumsnet answers and ran with it as that felt right to me

OP posts:
MarmaladeOrangey · 15/03/2024 15:58

ForProudCrow · 15/03/2024 15:56

Mutual friends are saying he's really low, which has me concerned I'm being over the top. I was already mad at him before he said the threat. Did I kinda push him into it? I took the Mumsnet answers and ran with it as that felt right to me

This is part of the manipulation. Making himself the victim.

However you must do what you want to do. What exactly do you want in this situation. Don't consider what friends/family etc want, what do YOU want. What are you happy with. What is right for you. Because it is only you who have to live in this situation. Do what makes you happy.

moderate · 15/03/2024 15:58

ForProudCrow · 15/03/2024 15:56

Mutual friends are saying he's really low, which has me concerned I'm being over the top. I was already mad at him before he said the threat. Did I kinda push him into it? I took the Mumsnet answers and ran with it as that felt right to me

You are not his mother. You do not owe him anything. Stay strong.

Bassetlover · 15/03/2024 16:01

If he's a boss at work does he have this reaction when he has to have a difficult conversation with a colleague? I bet he doesn't!

squirrelnutkin10 · 15/03/2024 16:04

You have had a luck escape op, believe me l have been there....

ForProudCrow · 15/03/2024 16:10

I'm trying to think ahead, but I can't shake the feeling that something I did made him say what he did. I care for him well-being, so I'm kinda dissecting my own actions

OP posts:
MarmaladeOrangey · 15/03/2024 16:18

ForProudCrow · 15/03/2024 16:10

I'm trying to think ahead, but I can't shake the feeling that something I did made him say what he did. I care for him well-being, so I'm kinda dissecting my own actions

I'm not saying you are in an abusive relationship, however, what you have just written is a huge red flag of being in one. What do you think are the chances that he is thinking about what he said?

Instead of playing the victim to his friends to manipulate you, he'd look like a better person if he spoke to you and made some real and honest changes to how he treats you.

ForProudCrow · 15/03/2024 16:35

That is what I wanted for a while @MarmaladeOrangey. A real change.

At this point, I keep reminding myself that he should be more composed and attentive when I need to talk. But lately, it feels like every time I bring up an issue, he overreacts, and that's where the conversation ends. I guess I should have walked away months ago instead of sticking around and watching him become so emotional

OP posts:
jolota · 15/03/2024 16:37

ForProudCrow · 15/03/2024 15:56

Mutual friends are saying he's really low, which has me concerned I'm being over the top. I was already mad at him before he said the threat. Did I kinda push him into it? I took the Mumsnet answers and ran with it as that felt right to me

My ex partners friends reached out to me after I left him. Asking me to get back together with him because he was ‘unbearable’ and miserable without me.

Hatty65 · 15/03/2024 16:44

You decided that the relationship was no longer for you, mostly because of the way he couldn't handle discussions and disagreements. That's fine.

You don't owe him or his friends anything. Move on.

Missamyp · 15/03/2024 16:58

Tbh you both sound like you cannot communicate with each other.
You're upset because at a party he couldn't remember what you were studying. Then he threatens to throw himself in a river as a response to you wanting to talk about it.

You both sound hyper sensitive and not a bit relaxed.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 15/03/2024 17:04

You don't owe him anything, regardless of whether he, his friends or your friends think you're overreacting.

You decided enough was enough, they can think what they want but ultimately, walking on eggshells to appease him all the time was stressing you out.

Tell your friends that, and that they can be his shoulder to cry on if they want.

Diamondcurtains · 15/03/2024 17:10

‘I rushed to comfort him”. You’re enabling his ridiculous behaviours.

herbaceous · 15/03/2024 17:19

OMG OP. I am 20 years into a relationship like this.

I should have binned him off when he flew into a tirade of 'I suppose I'm a bad boyfriend am I, I beat you do I' when I asked him not to put the pointed end of kitchen knives upwards in the dishwasher.

Even now a simple request not to put too much milk in my tea can result in 'sad face', and a lot of cupboard slamming.

It's never the right time to discuss anything as he's always stressed with work, or miserable about something.

A few years ago he majorly fucked up with our finances, spending money from remortgaging the house on unspecified things. He even managed to make me feel bad about challenging him on that. I would have left, but it was March 2020 and you know what happened then.

The only way to protect myself from the emotional mind-fuckery is to entirely shut down. We live parallel lives, and I can't leave as don't have enough money and we have a son who I adore with my whole being.

When he's nice, he's very nice, and I don't want to rock the boat.

ForProudCrow · 15/03/2024 17:27

Oh @herbaceous I really appreciate you writing but it's sad to hear you're in that situation. Knives up in the dishwasher would drive anyone mad 😂

'When he's nice, he's really nice' speaks to me, like two different men. I think he's really insecure so I run to him when he's sad but he's always 'so tired, so stressed, not in the mood' to chat about life when I want to. He's not reliable or stable

OP posts:
herbaceous · 15/03/2024 17:31

I KNOW it's controlling, yet the feeling of walking on shifting sands the whole time makes me doubt myself and what's right.

He too is seen as 'the lovely bloke' by all who know him.

Was yours by any chance the baby of the family? I wonder sometimes whether he was allowed to get away with this shit when he was young and thinks he can still just pout and get his own way...

ForProudCrow · 15/03/2024 17:34

He's not the baby @herbaceous. He actually had a bad family dynamic (that is a blame for his issues) so he pretty much brought himself up.

I'm just in a (temporary I'm sure) headspace of thinking I am to blame for his moods. Not sure why or how, but I'd rather just be honest.

OP posts:
herbaceous · 15/03/2024 17:35

That's what he wants you to think! No one is to blame for his moods apart from him.

herbaceous · 15/03/2024 17:37

I've remembered another crazy situation.

We had some friends round for dinner, but DP arrived late as his train was delayed. He came and spoke rubbish to them, then went and sat in a different room. I went in to challenge him and say he was being weird and rude, and he just kept repeating 'I don't recognise the behaviour you're describing'. He was obviously pissed as a fart.

The next day I tried to bring it up, and got 'sad face' and 'how can you try to make me feel bad'.

herbaceous · 15/03/2024 17:48

Anyway. This is your thread, not mine.

But don't let him manipulate you into thinking you're responsible for his moods, or you'll end up like me!

Fannyfiggs · 15/03/2024 17:49

ForProudCrow · 15/03/2024 17:34

He's not the baby @herbaceous. He actually had a bad family dynamic (that is a blame for his issues) so he pretty much brought himself up.

I'm just in a (temporary I'm sure) headspace of thinking I am to blame for his moods. Not sure why or how, but I'd rather just be honest.

HE is responsible for his moods. Only HE can make himself act in a certain way. HE has full autonomy over his actions.

You cannot be responsible for how he acts. You cannot make him do anything he doesn't want to.

I'm sorry he had a shit upbringing, however is that is not your problem to fix.

You are well within your rights to end a relationship for whatever reason you want.

Mumkins42 · 15/03/2024 17:50

usedtobeasizeten · 12/03/2024 13:55

Well, here in Glasgow we say ‘pick a windae, yer leaving…’ suggest that maybe?

Omg I'm crying 😂

Mumkins42 · 15/03/2024 17:53

I know it's a buzzword but this is a major narcissistic trait. Flipping it back on you when challenged, no accountability, extreme emotional reaction. It is so wrong on so many levels how he has reacted. He's blaming you and punishing you for expressing your feelings! They teach you to do this men like that. You've got no chance he'll change soon. He's got to go.

Mumkins42 · 15/03/2024 17:57

MarmaladeOrangey · 15/03/2024 15:58

This is part of the manipulation. Making himself the victim.

However you must do what you want to do. What exactly do you want in this situation. Don't consider what friends/family etc want, what do YOU want. What are you happy with. What is right for you. Because it is only you who have to live in this situation. Do what makes you happy.

Yep, another narcissist trait, recruiting others by being overly nice to them so you look the bad guy. Playing the victim. I'm related to one and eventually you question your sanity. You think,oh did I ask that question the wrong way, could I have re phrased it, oh maybe I shouldn't have said anything. When you're doing that it's 100% them