DP 'flips' when I'm upset, throws lose threats at me

[ForProudCrow]

Hi, seeking some advice on a recent situation with DP. We've been together for two years, and this weekend we attended a milestone birthday party with his friends.

Here's what happened:
While at the party, I overheard DP talking to his friends about my return to college as a mature student. When asked what I was studying, DP drew a blank and got embarrassed. Later, when we were alone, I expressed how hurtful it was that he forgot, but instead of addressing the issue constructively, things took a turn.

DP became upset, stating that I'm not good at sharing details with him and that I never ask about his career. He even went as far as suggesting I should leave him because he's not a good partner, and he dramatically mentioned throwing himself out of the window. I rushed to comfort him, but this isn't new.

It's not the first time he has reacted this way when I express my feelings. Instead of engaging in a healthy conversation, he throws back at me what I've done wrong, suggests I leave him, or brings up extreme actions like wanting to run away or harm himself.

DP doesn't have a history of mental health issues and we generally have a good relationship, but this behaviour is makes me fearful to share feelings. Any advice on how to navigate this and help DP understand my perspective better would be appreciated

Do not give him a reason, all it does is leave the window open for him to try to manipulate you into staying or make you feel guilty.

Just say you're not right for each other and you need to move on.

This is a form of emotional abuse designed to get you to toe the line and not complain about any of his behaviours lest he become suicidal, etc, etc. My ex was exactly the same, and I agree with the PP who said that they quickly follow up with “I don’t deserve you” and “you’re too good for me.” It took me ten years to say “yea, you’re right, I am.” I wouldn’t waste that long if I were you.

@ForProudCrow - I wouldn't bother worrying too much about how to word it, or how it will impact on him - just tell him the relationship is so longer working for you and you have to call it a day. Then walk away. He will make your life a misery. Don't engage with him after you've split either.

"no longer", not "so longer"

A not great childhood, often blames his Mum for many issues. She was not perfect, it's true, but has previously said he finds it hard to know how to treat me because he didn't have good role models.

I’d just say it’s over and leave. Thank god you’re not married to him.

Relationships shouldn’t be this much hard work it’s meant to make you happy.

My narcissistic ex was like this. If I raised any legitimate feelings about anything he had done he would immediately become very defensive and nasty, throwing it all back at me and/or telling me that he was a fuck up and what did i expect. Not once did he communicate like an adult. It was all about him and his immature emotional issues.

You can't win with someone like this. It is exhausting and ultimately it messes up your mental health. The only answer is to leave asap. I did after six years and that was 20 odd years ago. I never looked back.

I would just leave...'I'm not happy' is enough explanation. Even if you tried to tell him your reasons he'd disagree and say you are overreacting. It's not like he will take on board your point of view. You might get another threat that he will throw himself out a window.

Whether he knows he is doing it or not, he has been conditioning you not to challenge him and undermining who you are. It will not get better.

I can’t keep reading - I’m so sorry, it’s just making me feel physically ill to see someone writing so many things I could have said about my abusive boyfriend in the first couple of years… but I just had NO CLUE what was happening. Highly recommend you listen to the voices of experience here - he is all 🚩🚩🚩s. Nothing you can do will change him, do NOT go to counselling with him as it can’t be a safe space for you and he will turn what you say against you, do NOT NOT NOT get pregnant.

Definitely leave. Definitely read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (you can download on kindle app or Apple Books). It’ll completely transform your perspective and understanding of what’s happening.

(One of the worst things is seeing how lovely they are to other people and how supportive and kind they can be and how much everyone else bloody loves them. Meanwhile you’re at home getting the silent treatment for days on end because you said you didn’t want to go to X place on Saturday… or because you invited him out with a group of friends, he decided he CBA and you dared to say you were disappointed not to be having a night out with him (how DARE you?!)… or you’re applying for jobs and he is telling you none of them are right for you, you won’t get them anyway and meanwhile he’s bloody writing some “friend’s” job applications for her and telling her how fucking marvelous she is… 🤮🤬😱
Excuse me - I’ll get my coat.

The stuff he's saying sounds like he's frustrated with his life, maybe his work and is unable to face even the slightest criticism. It's a sign of deep insecurity. When you said he threatened to harm himself, I am taking it that it's a totally empty threat. Along with 'leave me then' etc.
Just say no. I don't want to leave you but can we talk calmly about this? If he storms off then can you try again when he's calmed down. Frankly he needs therapy on his own but as you say it's not working. Probably because he won't open up his guard. Some people can't be argued with sensibly.

Come on, OP. You can't possibly think of staying with a man who threatens to throw himself out of the window because he can't remember what you are going to study. That's just ridiculous.

DUMP HIM.

Now. While you still can.

Don't apologise, don't explain. "I'm not happy in this relationship. I'm ending it."

Classic. Painting himself as a victim.

He’s no victim, OP. He’s as manipulative as they come. Be warned. You’re being conditioned.

He's manipulating you.

I agree just say to him

That this relationship is not working for you & that you are ending it & that you wish him well for the future.

Then cut contact

I’ve met a few of these types and unfortunately, was married to one for over a decade. I’m glad to see you’re planning to leave. Get everything organised beforehand. He will try to win you round, he may be lovely (charm offensive) or nasty. He will absolutely play the victim and beware, you may well
lose mutual friends when you split. He’ll do his sob story to everyone. Don’t try to explain too heavily to him, he won’t ever ‘get it’, he won’t change for the next woman either. He may try to turn it around on you or promise things will change. XH threw all
sorts of promises at me but he moved on within a fortnight (after 15 years together!). I’d suggest saying something like ‘I’ve been thinking a lot, and although I care for you, this relationship just isn’t working for me.’ Be prepared for his full arsenal. Rage, begging, maybe tears (I’ve never seen XH cry like he did when I said I wanted to separate). Just remember it’s all an act, stay calm and you’ll get through it.

Don't waste another second with this man and tell him to feck right off. He will only get worse and imagine if children were thrown into the mix how he would handle the stress and challenges of that.
He is a narcissist and just is trying to get you to never say anything or to call him out on anything at all. He cannot communicate and you will always be made to feel crap so get out while your mental health is intact.

Good grief, what a drama queen.

You can do so much better.

Excellent unvarnished advice ^

I'm now thinking through our conversations over the years. I would say something simple (maybe he'd been late to dinner), he would then say 'you're so angry with me'. I would explain I'm not at all angry, just making a comment and he would say 'you ARE angry, I can tell'.....

Personally I'm very skeptical about counselling. People don't change. You are what you are. Yes you can work on things here and there, but the core of you remains the same. He'll be more or less the same ten or twenty years down the line. You need to ask yourself if you want to be with this man when you're 60 or 70. Can you see yourself going on a cruise with him when you retire?

You're upset so he makes it about him, and you end up comforting him.

Classic coercive control.

Please leave him.

It doesn’t matter what he’s like with other people. It could not be less relevant.

All that matters, is what he’s like with you.

This situation cannot be making you happy.

Do not tell him why you’re leaving. You can leave for any reason, or no reason. It’s entirely up to you. He’s not the boss of you, and he doesn’t get to approve or refuse the reason, so why explain? He won’t magically improve, so there’s no point.

He is not making you happy, and you’re very clearly not making him happy.

So just free yourselves up for a more content life.

Oh this is NOT good, OP. If this isn’t sorted you’ll spend your life on eggshells and never getting your needs met.

Couples counselling or LTB. LTB anyway if he doesn’t change after the counselling!