DP 'flips' when I'm upset, throws lose threats at me

[ForProudCrow]

Hi, seeking some advice on a recent situation with DP. We've been together for two years, and this weekend we attended a milestone birthday party with his friends.

Here's what happened:
While at the party, I overheard DP talking to his friends about my return to college as a mature student. When asked what I was studying, DP drew a blank and got embarrassed. Later, when we were alone, I expressed how hurtful it was that he forgot, but instead of addressing the issue constructively, things took a turn.

DP became upset, stating that I'm not good at sharing details with him and that I never ask about his career. He even went as far as suggesting I should leave him because he's not a good partner, and he dramatically mentioned throwing himself out of the window. I rushed to comfort him, but this isn't new.

It's not the first time he has reacted this way when I express my feelings. Instead of engaging in a healthy conversation, he throws back at me what I've done wrong, suggests I leave him, or brings up extreme actions like wanting to run away or harm himself.

DP doesn't have a history of mental health issues and we generally have a good relationship, but this behaviour is makes me fearful to share feelings. Any advice on how to navigate this and help DP understand my perspective better would be appreciated

I assume he. makes these statements after you've asked him to do something minor like, "can you please pick up your shoes?"?

He's trying to silence you. You just said yourself "I then feel difficult", so it is working. You are considering changing your entirely normal emotions to accommodate this. You know with every intelligent fibre of your being, that he is reacting ridiculously.

I fear that you will stick around and look back on this in years to come and realise the warning signs were there when you are looking for how you have become a shadow of your former self.

This things seem annoying but inconsequential in the moment, but they have long term damaging effects to your self esteem. This needs to be sorted clearly once and for all or I would leave before he breaks you. I imagine, he won't take accountability so it will probably have to be the latter. I'm sorry your having to deal with this.

You told him you were hurt that he couldn’t remember what you were studying, and he responded by threatening to throw himself out of a window? Talk about DARVO.

Run, and don’t look back.

He’ll threaten suicide but he won’t go through with it. Men like this know how easily they can control a partner by threatening to hurt themselves. He’ll never stop manipulating you.

So he can't take any criticism (or implied criticism) and if you express any hurt feelings at all, he will throw it back at you about times you've hurt his feelings, and threaten to end the relationship. There is no self reflection on the minor behaviour issue that you raised in the first place, and no willingness to talk it through. Instead his reaction is to minimise your feelings, attack you, and throw out over dramatic threats. Thereby completely avoiding taking any accountability or responsibility for his actions.

I think you need to sit down with him and state all of the above. How does he think small issues can ever be resolved if he does this? Why does he threaten these things, either he is actually already thinking of ending the relationship, or he is just threatening you to shut you up. Calmly tell him you won't continue to be in a relationship where you can't both raise minor issues at the time they arise and work through them. Tell him what you expect- that he hears you, that he understands the impact on you, and suggestions from him on how to work through it, when issues are raised.

Unfortunately it will take huge self reflection, self awareness and willingness to change (probably with the help of counselling)...and why would he want to do this? At the moment he can do what he likes and shut you down and doesn't actually have to take or action any criticism. I'd guess this is an engrained reaction rather than something that he consciously thinks through so will be very hard to unpick. The chances of him changing are extremely low

So overall I'd probably be thinking of leaving. You're just dating, and as you yet older and lives get more complicated, there will be more and more points of conflict, and if you can't discuss issues in a healthy and constructive way...then thus is not a good relationship

He could not say what course you are doing at the party

His reaction, was to say that he would throw himself out of a window

This reaction is totally out of proportion

I agree, that there is no future with this person. End the relationship today

It's not your job to solve his issues.

This won't get any better, I can promise you that.

'he dramatically mentioned throwing himself out of the window.'

Open a window for him and wave goodbye to this utter twat.

Who needs someone like that in their life?

I wouldn't continue this relationship. If you do, you will have to be happy and non criticising, all of the time. It will wear you down, and if you can't be those things, the relationship will become very emotionally abusive. Imagine how supportive he will be in times of true trauma. He will make all bad situations worse for you. You will always be in the wrong.

He makes me feel like I'm overreacting and then a simple thing (your behaviour upsets me) turns into a massive drama. Usually I then apologise

I had a relationship with someone who was a bit like that and one of his refrains was ‘You are too good for me.’ In the end I agreed with him. He’s telling you something about himself every time he does this. It won’t get any better, counselling or not.

Do you want a lifetime of his dramatics making you 'feel difficult'?

Of course you don't because you're not stupid. As hard as it is, do yourself a massive favour and leave the relationship before it consumes all of your energy and every shred of self esteem you have left.

He also likes to say he's often 'exhausted from work' or 'not in the place to discuss this now'. This makes a bigger deal of something we could sort out in two minutes.

He often says that to me. That he doesn't deserve me

My ex did this stormed out the house dramatically!! I'm leaving im such a bad person 😭 I closed and locked the door after him he was hammering on the door demanding to know why I did that 😅

It's a form of manipulation OP. His extreme reaction to any criticism is to stop you doing it.

It's quite disturbing I think and not the way a balanced and reasonable person behaves. I don't think his behaviour will get better but it might well get worse.

At least he's right about something...

I did too. His usual response was 'you don't understand what I've been through'. He turned into a very odd and frightening person in a very short space of time.

THIS.

Tell him to do one. He's a bam who is quietly conditioning you and you're falling for it.

2 years in should be all fun, cock goggles and wanting to nest up. Not fights and manipulation.

This ones a rotter - chuck him back and move on. He won't magically get better and your love cannot save him and make him change from being a total bellend.

When he's at work does he regularly threaten to throw himself out of windows when dealing with his staff and / or clients?

He is manipulating you left right and centre, and his throwing himself out of the window threat is simply blackmail and coercive control, making you believe that you are responsible for his mental health.

Stop apologising. Stop letting him treat you like this. Basically, just dump him.

I've known him for years as a friend before this and he had no signs of this. I don't think his friends have a clue that he could be like this. It made me feel I was being unfair for bringing him simple issues. I'm the type to communicate, I like to be very clear in my worries to not let them linger.

His Mum often describes him as 'disengaged' to me and 'always has to have the best'. He does have a big ego due to his job and success.

He's doing a job on you already OP by making you feel like you're being unfair.

The fact that his friends know nothing about this behaviour and the fact that he is successful at work both suggest to me that he saves this nonsense for you.

He’s training you to be quiet and compliant. To never disagree or raise issues that need to be discussed. Not to have an opinion or criticise him in any way shape or form. Eventually you’d shut up and put up for a quiet life.
Or you could walk away. Be yourself. Have a future with an equal partner who values you and hears your voice.

He is controlling and manipulating you until you are "trained" to never say anything that he considers upsetting. Look up DAVRO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender). You will always be walking on eggshells around him and your self worth and confidence will plummet until you are a shell of your former self.

Leave him. If he threatens to harm himself let him know you will contact the police for a welfare check (and do it). Never rush round yourself, or beg him not to, it's an abuse tactic. Get your belongings and run like the wind.

I dated a guy like this.
Suggesting I leave him if I complained about something that upset me, as he's obviously not good enough for me. (but really implying my standards were too high as it was only a 'minor' slip up, nobody else would be good enough for me either so no point trying to leave etc etc)
It's manipulative and can lead to abuse / coercion / control.
I couldn't see it at the time because it seemed laughable that he could be abusing me when he would sometimes even actually cry because he 'felt so bad' about upsetting/disappointing me. Then I'd end up comforting him!!
I fell for it for quite a while but eventually he escalated into controlling behaviour and that pushed me to leave. (edit: sorry just remembered that it wasn't that the controlling behaviour (eg telling me what to wear), he cheated on me, that's what made me leave)
But it took it's toll on me, I had internalised some of it and my next relationship was even worse and the abuse escalated a lot quicker and a lot worse.
It was years later that I cottoned on to the fact he was just always making himself into the victim when he'd been the one to hurt or upset me.

Don't waste any more of your time. Leave him now. Because if you wait too long, you will rationalise the things he says and start to believe him, that you're the problem and then even if you do leave, you'll be vulnerable to the next person treating you badly too because it feels like normal behaviour.

I am in a much better relationship now, but even he has an attitude of avoidance around things I feel we need to talk through. But the difference is at least that he can acknowledge that he bottles things up and it builds resentment and eventually we talk through things and he'll apologise etc. But I do find it quite challenging having to navigate this given my previous relationships.