DP 'flips' when I'm upset, throws lose threats at me

[ForProudCrow]

Hi, seeking some advice on a recent situation with DP. We've been together for two years, and this weekend we attended a milestone birthday party with his friends.

Here's what happened:
While at the party, I overheard DP talking to his friends about my return to college as a mature student. When asked what I was studying, DP drew a blank and got embarrassed. Later, when we were alone, I expressed how hurtful it was that he forgot, but instead of addressing the issue constructively, things took a turn.

DP became upset, stating that I'm not good at sharing details with him and that I never ask about his career. He even went as far as suggesting I should leave him because he's not a good partner, and he dramatically mentioned throwing himself out of the window. I rushed to comfort him, but this isn't new.

It's not the first time he has reacted this way when I express my feelings. Instead of engaging in a healthy conversation, he throws back at me what I've done wrong, suggests I leave him, or brings up extreme actions like wanting to run away or harm himself.

DP doesn't have a history of mental health issues and we generally have a good relationship, but this behaviour is makes me fearful to share feelings. Any advice on how to navigate this and help DP understand my perspective better would be appreciated

Ha! I once spent days wondering how to bring up the fact that he shrank DS's favourite jumper by putting it in a hot wash. In the end I hid the jumper.

HOW MAD IS THAT.

If any friends say anything then just say you couldn’t stand the emotional blackmail anymore.

The problem is I don't think he realises he's doing it at all. He doesn't have a bad bone in his body, he's just has issues. That's what makes it worse. He doesn't mean to be selfish

No that’s just what he wants you to think. His actions don’t match his words. Stop drinking the koolaid.

He really does mean to be selfish and is really good at manipulating you.

I think it's for the best. It's impossible to ever resolve anything with someone who behaves that way. It's no one else's business

He doesn't have a bad bone in his body

He's called you difficult

He threatened to throw himself out of the window

He makes you fearful to share feelings

A simple thing turns into a drama

He's stressed and tired when you want to talk

he would say 'you're so angry with me'. 'you ARE angry, I can tell'

Do you deserve all that? Or do you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Do you deserve someone who listens to your views and engages in an adult conversation? Someone who you don't need to walk on eggshell around?

It's never going to get any better if you stay with him. As PP have said, it will get worse. Walk away while you can 💐

And even, as is unlikely, this is all involuntary and unconscious on his part, he is still doing it! He is still preventing you expressing your feelings! The relationship will not get better.

I deserve more, I do.

I just want my conscious to be clear, it's a process and i'm in the throws of overanalysing.

Stop making excuses for him. He won't change so choose your life.

You’re fundamentally incompatible with this man.

That’s all there is to it. You can’t stay with someone out of pity. That’s cruel.

Your conscious should be clear - not that it needs to be. You can leave someone for any reason or no reason.

Don’t waste another two years
run
he’s only going to get worse

Trust the wisdom of experience of other Mumsnetters! This will only get worse. He will take you to breaking point given the chance.

Someone posted a similar thread on Reddit recently. The results were all people commenting saying that threatening self harm is abuse. You may find it useful. You're looking at it as a mental illness of his, which it is, but you need to see it as an issue you can't fix and not a mental illness that needs sympathy

If his friends are that concerned, they can deal with him.

Awful, my ex turned into this as well after bringing mostly lovely for over a year too

DONT HAVE A BABY WITH HIM PLEASE I BEG YOU look at my other posts to see how my life has turned out 'coparenting' with this narcissist

LTB 100%

Mine forgot my birthday after a couple of years of being together and it really upset me. He then gaslit me that it’s normal not to know people birthdays. He didn’t know our sons either for a while. He also threatens suicide every time I mention leaving.

1. does something wrong
2. you get upset
3. blames you for getting upset and being ‘difficult’
4. plays victim ‘I can’t do anything right’
5. its now officially your fault, always.

I read 3 pages so I haven’t RTFT but sounds like he’s doing a classic DARVO on you:

“DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims.”

You might be shocked at the word “abuse” but this is classic emotional manipulation.

This. Being such a helpful partner, opening a window is the least she could do

Please read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That?

It will really help your sanity and willpower.

your mutual friends will never understand this or see your point of view, there’s no convincing them, because he only really behaves this way with those he is intimate with… and only then it’ll always take a while for the reality to dawn.

I imagine the way he is perceived by others is very important to him, and he will go out of his way to make his friends feel wonderful about themselves and maintain the image of Mr. reliable, shoulder to cry on, extravagant gift central. All that means nothing when it comes to his girlfriend - as his girlfriend, as time goes on, you’ll be treated completely differently. And all that lovely stuff you used to associate with him will become less and less frequent, until it’s non existent.

(Am wondering if he ever tells you that no-one else is very important to him? My ex used to do that. After a few years it became clear that it was a cover, so that when he pursued other women/crossed boundaries and generally humiliated me if I ever questioned his behavior he could say “of course it doesn’t mean anything because no-one’s that important to me”. 🤷🏻‍♀️ meanwhile for those on the receiving end it clearly meant a lot - just like it had to me when he was sweet and thoughtful and charming at the beginning).

please don’t be a mug like me - you’ve no idea how increasingly difficult it can become to reclaim your sanity and self worth…

You are absolutely NOT overreacting.

You are a brave and strong person. You will also be a happier person with him out of your life. While your friends are being unreasonable and unkind (not to mention it is none of their business) all you can do is what is right for you. You did that. Very happy for you.

Tell your mutual friends that do they realise they are asking you to sacrifice your mental stability for his? Do they really think you only exist as a support person to another friend of theirs? As you’d thought them friends, but that’s not how they are behaving. Suggest they go have a relationship with him, wait till the first you are down or have a hard day or he does something a bit rude that in normal relationships people comment on, but in a relationship with this guy you never get any support and you are never allowed to criticise anything. Tell them to go have fun being someone’s punchbag, you’re done.