DP 'flips' when I'm upset, throws lose threats at me

[ForProudCrow]

Hi, seeking some advice on a recent situation with DP. We've been together for two years, and this weekend we attended a milestone birthday party with his friends.

Here's what happened:
While at the party, I overheard DP talking to his friends about my return to college as a mature student. When asked what I was studying, DP drew a blank and got embarrassed. Later, when we were alone, I expressed how hurtful it was that he forgot, but instead of addressing the issue constructively, things took a turn.

DP became upset, stating that I'm not good at sharing details with him and that I never ask about his career. He even went as far as suggesting I should leave him because he's not a good partner, and he dramatically mentioned throwing himself out of the window. I rushed to comfort him, but this isn't new.

It's not the first time he has reacted this way when I express my feelings. Instead of engaging in a healthy conversation, he throws back at me what I've done wrong, suggests I leave him, or brings up extreme actions like wanting to run away or harm himself.

DP doesn't have a history of mental health issues and we generally have a good relationship, but this behaviour is makes me fearful to share feelings. Any advice on how to navigate this and help DP understand my perspective better would be appreciated

Hope you're OK

This is very true. My grandfather made my grandmother’s life a misery and drove her to a breakdown, yet he was sweetness and light to the neighbours. They all thought he was the victim of her mental illness. In reality, he caused her mental illness. (To be fair, he’d been destroyed by the misery of his own childhood. “Man hands on misery to man,” as Philip Larkin put it.)

That’s not a valid excuse. He’s trying to manipulate you. You can’t fix someone like this (not that you should try). Unless you want this and worse to be your life, end the relationship.

No, don't bother, it just gives him another opportunity to play the victim.
Clean cut, don't worry about what he might say to others.
You don't have to justify the end of a relationship like this

I have sent him a message telling him his threat of self harm was really unfair and ridiculous after I had explained my disappointment at him forgetting details about me. He has apologised and asked if we can speak. I have said I think it's best to cancel our plans for this evening and have not replied since.

A tiny part of me is worried I am overreacting.

You are NOT over reacting.

A tiny part of me is worried I am overreacting.

No. Anyone who threatens self harm like this shouldn't be in a relationship until they've had professional help. You do not qualify as professional help, therefore you can never, ever, fix him.

He remembers it as saying 'this makes me want to jump in the river' instead of 'I'm going to go jump in the river or I want to jump in the river'. Not sure if this makes any difference though!

He is just changing the narrative. Its part of the gaslighting. It does make a difference, it makes it worse that instead of taking accountability for what he said he is trying to gas light you into believing he said something different. Its manipulation.

25 years married to a diagnosed narcissist. I didn't know for the first 22. All the manipulative head games destroyed me. I am a shell. Please don't be me.

No, it doesn't make a difference.

I guarantee that if you speak with him, he will just turn it back into a "woe is me, I'm such a terrible person, how do you put up with me" rant which then leaves you feeling like you have to comfort him again.

It's disturbing how much you doubt yourself and are so focused on this man. Instead of the updates about stuff he has said, you need to avoid blokes altogether until you've hugely raised your standards and worked on your self worth. Otherwise you risk picking another dickhead.
Text the boyfriend that you're no longer enjoying dating him, and the relationship is over. There is nothing to discuss, so he is not to contact you again.
Go and enjoy life.

There are five pages of women telling you to leave this man. You are not overreacting.

Even fi you are over reacting (you 100% are NOT) who cares? His behaviour makes you unhappy and this is a new relationship so you are not obligated to make the effort to maintain it.

Why would it make a difference? It is not a normal thing to say. At all. When was the last time you wanted to jump into the river or out of the window? Never. Ask your friends when they last said it. I bet they say never. Ask your family and your colleagues. NONE WILL SAY THEY MAKE SUCH COMMENTS!!

abuser

The next time he says you don't deserve this , agree. And bin him . I'll bet my last marmite sandwich he functions perfectly well at work and doesn't come out with these ridiculous threats when someone disagrees. He won't change I assure you . Leave before you find yourself 30 years down the line , frightened to mention anything in case he gets upset . Really fuck that shit.

It doesn’t make a blind bit of difference !?

It’s a completely and utterly irrational thing to think, let alone say!

Stop focusing on him, and focus on you, and your wellbeing.

YOU ARE NOT OVER-REACTING.

Run for your life. He'll never change.

Actually I’d say him saying ‘It makes me want to jump in the river’ rather than he’s going means he’s blaming you for his he’s feeling. Suggesting your behaviour makes him feel like that means he wants you to change to suit him. It’s yet another way of trying to control you.
Please get away from this man!

It makes no difference.
As someone mentioned above, he’s trying to gaslight you with semantics!
It wouldn’t negate everything else he has said and done anyway.

thanks Mumsnet.

I have blocked and removed him from everything this morning. Our mutual friends think I am being unkind to him, which is difficult. I feel only I see that side to him so my (irrational I realise) worry is that I pushed him to act this way. That is going to take some tough love to myself to get past

Tell your mutual friends that if they want a relationship with him they are welcome to, but to keep their opinions out of your own relationship with him.

Make sure you live your life for you. I know friends and family can influence you but they don't know him as a partner, only you do. Also only you can decide what you want in a relationship.

Unfortunately, he obviously hasn't shown his true colours to them. I think it's perfectly fine to go down one of two routes:

The relationship just isn't working for me, but I like him very much and hope he finds someone that is right for him.
Or
You might be okay with someone threatening suicide or having a meltdown because I was upset they couldn't even remember what I'm studying, but I'm not. So it's better if he and I split up.