DP 'flips' when I'm upset, throws lose threats at me

[ForProudCrow]

Hi, seeking some advice on a recent situation with DP. We've been together for two years, and this weekend we attended a milestone birthday party with his friends.

Here's what happened:
While at the party, I overheard DP talking to his friends about my return to college as a mature student. When asked what I was studying, DP drew a blank and got embarrassed. Later, when we were alone, I expressed how hurtful it was that he forgot, but instead of addressing the issue constructively, things took a turn.

DP became upset, stating that I'm not good at sharing details with him and that I never ask about his career. He even went as far as suggesting I should leave him because he's not a good partner, and he dramatically mentioned throwing himself out of the window. I rushed to comfort him, but this isn't new.

It's not the first time he has reacted this way when I express my feelings. Instead of engaging in a healthy conversation, he throws back at me what I've done wrong, suggests I leave him, or brings up extreme actions like wanting to run away or harm himself.

DP doesn't have a history of mental health issues and we generally have a good relationship, but this behaviour is makes me fearful to share feelings. Any advice on how to navigate this and help DP understand my perspective better would be appreciated

Does he stamp his feet and cry for his mummy when he's like this? What a fucking baby 🍼 Get rid💯

I got nervous posting here as I thought MN was going to tell me I was being too sensitive 😂

He is considered quite a gentle person in his friends group, very popular. A 'sweetheart'. It lead into me believing I was wrong

Do not have children with this person

This is a major red flag

Protect yourself

End the relationship

He does this because “ I rushed to comfort him, but this isn't new.”
and because
“this behaviour is makes me fearful to share feelings”.
He’s manipulating you so you don’t challenge him on anything. Do you want this for the rest of your life?

I'm not saying he's a narcissist, but I will say this is pretty classic narcissistic behaviour. Puts on a front in public. Generally loved for being so lovely. Abusive/controlling behaviour in private. Manipulative. Pretends to be the victim as a control tactic. Uses DARVO.

Get out now while you still can.

Please reread what DrinkFeck and many others said. You are wasting your time and energy on him.

Criticising loved ones, even when they deserve it, often backfires.

Would others tell him why I am leaving or just leave? I know he will pretend to be the victim if I leave. Would it be better to try make him see his actions are not ok?

I'm married to someone like this. I wouldn't recommend it. I no longer have much in the way of emotions and am a bit of a doormat.

I suggest you leave now so you don't end up trying to extricate yourself years down the line with children and everything else making it far more complicated.

You can do so much better. Listen to all the wise counsel on this thread.

Based on what you've said, it's very unlikely that he's going to accept his actions are a problem. He sees himself as the victim so when you leave, even if you try to explain why, he's going to simply use that as an excuse to try make you feel guilty.

I'd stick with simple, "sorry, this isn't working for me. I think we want and need different things."

Ask yourself what is is like in work. When a colleague says 'thanks for this Bill, just so you know, when it's in this format it can be tricky to read, can you put it in a table next time and by the way you had the decimal point in the wrong place here which distorted the totals sp please could you double check it next time'...does he say 'well Brian, the last bit of work you did was shit, I actually counted 5 errors. And if I'm such a shit employee then maybe I shouldn't even be I'm this job at all...I'll just not bother turning up tomorrow shall I if I'm that crap?' Or does he say 'oh thanks I hadn't spotted that, will do'

I'm pretty sure by the sounds of it he reserves rhus emotional manipulation just for you. Which means he can control it.

If you do leave then I wouldn't tell him why before unless you want to get into the nitty gritty of him explaining himself and promises about change etc. You already know that he doesn't respond well to criticism. I'd just say you aren't happy and the relationship isn't working for you any more. And if you want to give him feedback then wait til the dust has settled and its clear you're never coming back so you can block more easily

I'd tell him to go ahead and jump from the window. But then I don't take kindly to childish threats.

Just leave.

If you try and explain why he will just respond with threats of self harm, crying that nobody loves him, that he feels self hatred, wah, wah, wah and you will fall back into your trained pattern of comforting and appeasing him (and probably end up staying). You can NEVER win with a person like this so protect yourself, leave and when he tries to contact you (and he will) then block him immediately instead of responding.

In my case, I just left. I had tried to before and every time I did. I would end up getting talked around to staying and believing it eas because I was being unreasonable or difficult. That he only wanted the very best for me and us. Followed by lots of future faking and false promises (lies).

I would just leave and present it as a done deal. If you have further contact with him. Make sure he understands, your mind is made up. That's it, it's final and then cut all communication. He will try to talk you round again with added drama and theatrics. Sadly, once you go back the power and control from his side expand. It gives him permission to ramp up the control. He knows you'll stay and tolerate his behaviour.

Ask yourself this, do you want to spend the next 20 + years walking on eggshells, asking him how therapy went and generally feeling shit all the time or do you want to spend your years happy? PLEASE don't waste your life, it's not our job to fix men. It's not going to get any better. All the signs are there, you just have to see them, which isnt easy when you're in a relationship. None of us are perfect but seriously, suggesting he's going to throw himself out of a window at a minor disagreement is pathetic, controlling and unhinged. Choose happiness.

I had to lock him out of his own house once because he was so angry and I was scared. He never harmed me but the gaslighting and negativity was hard work.

Your response to these should be:

‘I’ve just told you what you’ve done wrong - you couldn’t remember what I’m studying because you didn’t pay attention to me. This is hurtful’

’It’s not being difficult to expect your bf to remember general info about you’

’No one is saying you’re a fuck up - just learn from this and move on’

’What you can do is listen and show and interest when I talk. It’s not difficult’

And then walk off. Don’t continue the conversation.

Narcissistic. Him not you.

I really wouldn't bother trying to explain anything to him. He's manipulative, you'll end up doubting yourself.

I would quietly make plans to leave and just go. Don't expect to him to play nicely, I suspect you could see a far nastier side to him when you leave so be prepared to go and have no need for further contact. If you can't leave without alerting him to your plans then I'd think about having someone with you.

Let him play the victim.

As with many similar thread, the first response nails it.

Leave this one OP.
Before DP becomes DH and the mire gets deeper.

and he dramatically mentioned throwing himself out of the window. I rushed to comfort him, but this isn't new.

What an utter revolting piece of shit.

Get rid. Who cares what other people think. If they’re that bothered they can put up with his antics. In the meantime, if he makes any threats to hurt himself ring the police.

My first boyfriend did this, he did it so he never had to take responsibility for any of his actions. Just leave him, it's not your job to teach him how to act like an adult

Just leave, a simple "this just isn't for me anymore" and go. It really, really isn't 'your job' to "try and make him see his actions are not OK" - he won't see it and the fact that are having these feelings that it is, in some way, your job to 'put it right' means he's already starting to succeed in manipulating you and your thinking. Run and don't look back.