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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

325 replies

pleasechange · 26/03/2008 15:45

Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
lindenlass · 26/03/2008 15:47

Nope - very sensible IMO :-) You need as much time to yourself and your new baby as possible and should only have people around you who you feel totally comfortable with.

posieflump · 26/03/2008 15:49

Will the inlaws be staying with you?
If they are satying nearby then maybe MIL could pop in for an hour sooner than a week

I understand how you feel but all the parents are grandparents and as the mother of a son I don't see why in years tocome if he has children his MIL will get to see any new arrivals before me!!!

Swedes · 26/03/2008 15:53

Do you mean visitors as in MIL dropping in for a cup of tea or visitors as in arriving with their toothbrush and expecting full board for 2 days or more?

Original poster
pleasechange · 26/03/2008 15:55

MIL lives about an hour away. But she is separated from FIL, so if MIL can visit in first week, then FIL would have to be allowed as well. Then if they both come, BIL will come and bring GIL as well - see what I mean! Also my MIL is not known for tact, thought nor diplimacy during her visits. Whereas my mum will discreetly visit, help and know when to leave - and it would be weeks later that my parents would see the baby afterwards, whereas it would be much easier for in-laws

OP posts:
Harrybee · 26/03/2008 15:55

Hi

I think that all new parents need at least a few days to settle in with their new bundle of joy. When my Son arrived i was very emotional and wanted my oen space to get to grips with motherhood. My hubby was great and we ended up having the first week with just the 3 of us.

Just go with your feelings, its your baby, your body and your house so you and your hubby have the right to decided when the right time for visitors are.
Good luck! x

Flibbertyjibbet · 26/03/2008 15:56

Do you mean that IL's will just come for a visit without staying? To visit their new grandchild?

If they are local then I think YABVU unreasonable to have your own mother there but make the other grandparents wait a week.

My own ILs came to see us in hosp both times so they weren't hanging round the house.

Your ILS are also the baby's grandparents, please post later to tell us what your husbands opinion is after you've discussed it with him! I will book my seat by the pc

I used to go upstairs to feed baby/sort nappies/have a bath and 'accidentally' fall asleep when unwanted visitors arrived! So even if they do come round, its not the end of the world.

posieflump · 26/03/2008 15:59

If they only live an hour away they can come and visit and then go home again.
Tbh you might like them coming - they can take the baby out for a walk with dh after you've fed him/her and then you can go to bed for an hour or so. As long as your dh knows you won't be providing them with cups of tea etc then it wil be fine

beaniesteve · 26/03/2008 15:59

It's not unreasonable for them to want to come but would be unreasonable for them to want to stay. Your mum has got it right. Your MIL should do the same and stay somewhere else but only come to see you for an hour or two.

mrschop · 26/03/2008 16:00

I think the PIL should be involved - the baby is their grandchild, and their son's baby. They are bound to be excited and emotional. It would be a shame if they weren't interested. But make it clear with our DH beforehand that short visits are key - any more than an hour and he's to start shooing them out! My DH (tactfully) reminded my MIL that when she had her babies she was in hosp for 10 days (while I'd had an em CS three days before) which helped her get a bit of perspective. And extended family can wait a week, tho you might feel up to a bit of showing off the new baby sooner. Wait and see.

catzy · 26/03/2008 16:00

You have to go with how you feel. Talk to your DH and explain how you feel.

You should have things exactly as you need them as it's important for you to have bonding time but remember it's his mother so you need to handle with care. Everyone will be very excited about the new arrival and want to meet.

Hope DH sees your side. If not I'm sure you can limit the visits around how you are feeling. eg. parent only for a while.

LucyJones · 26/03/2008 16:00

Honestly one hour away is no distance at all. They won't need to stay over, they can just come and go the same day!

mum2jakeyroo · 26/03/2008 16:01

when ds1 was born my parents lived 100 miles away and where the first ones to visit in hospital and my mil and family visited at evening visiting. oh that is apart from my dss who visited before anyone

Chequers · 26/03/2008 16:02

Message withdrawn

belgo · 26/03/2008 16:03

I personally would tell them 3 or 4 weeks.

Elkat · 26/03/2008 16:04

Just play it by ear and see how you feel. Tell hubby that you don't know how you are going to be feeling after the birth - it could be a traumatic experience, and you might need time to be 'looked after' and to allow your body to heal, or it might all go swimmingly and you might be swinging from the rafters three days after! You might also be desperate to 'show off' your baby to all and sundry after he/she has been born.

Personally, I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to say to your hubby (and therefore make clear to the inlaws) that you will not necessarily be accepting visitors after the birth, you want to play it by ear and see how the birth goes and how you feel. Then, if you need a bit more space, you can just say to your hubby that you need more time.

Seriously, though do put yourself first, I allowed myself to be talked into having my MIL visit the day I came out of hospital with DD2 (I had a bad labour and wouldn't let her visit me in hospital), but she had me making her a cup of tea three hours after I came off the morphine (and I was on it for three days!). ILs do not come to help (unlike mothers) and so you need to put yourself first, but I wouldn't state an exact date, because you don't know when you will be ready (I wasn't ready for extended family even after a week). HTH

maisemor · 26/03/2008 16:05

A definate no to having anybody staying in the house.

I think that if you "allow" your mother to allow to visit for an hour or so to see her grandchild, then it would only be fair to allow your husband's mum and dad to see their first grandchild for an hour or so as well.

Try putting the shoe on the other foot. What if you have a boy and when he has a child the mother of his child will only allow her mother to see their child.

Please try to reach a compromise where they get to see their child, and be happy that at least they are showing an interest in wanting to see him/her .

Maybe let them see baby in hospital. That is what I did. Everybody came and visited in hospital and then gave us a break for about a week or so before they demanded more cuddles and pictures.

Original poster
pleasechange · 26/03/2008 16:06

lol belgo (I wish!)
It's not that I'm saying one grandparent is more important than another - more that from what I've been told etc., I'm likely to be exhausted and potentially hormonal just after the birth. My mum (obviously!) has known me all my life and will be best placed to help/deal with me at the time - as opposed to my 'skin as thick as an ox' MIL who is the best person I've ever met at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time

OP posts:
Swedes · 26/03/2008 16:07

My MIL and BIL were waiting for us in the hospital corridor as I was wheeled out of recovery! I remember having a morphine fuelled small talk with BIL about the play he saw at the theatre the night before.

MIL then came every day for two hours until the baby was a month old.

gingerninja · 26/03/2008 16:08

Hell no, don't have anyone stay with you for at least three weeks. You may want to walk about with your boobs out (I did as nips were sore) I found BF'ing very hard to establish with people there all the time because neither I nor DD knew what we were doing for weeks and it was a nightmare and I didn't need the pressure of entertaining. I just wanted to curl up in bed with my baby but visitors want you to be up and to 'have a go at holding the lo'

My inlaws stayed for a week about 3 weeks after DD was born and even that was too soon. You do not want the hassle of entertaining unless you're 110% comfortable with the people around you and they help out (making meals etc not just holding the baby so you could cater for them which is what mine did)

PotPourri · 26/03/2008 16:09

So what you want to do. Explain your feelings to DH so that you can come to an arrangement that will suit you both. Personally, I HATED people be all around after the baby was born. It's bloody hard enough adjusting, without having to put a brave face on it for visitors.

Get DH to explain that you both need time to adjust to being a family unit - i..e don't feel you need to do the explaining to his family.

I don't think it is unreasonable to have your mum there under the circumstances she has offered - she sounds very thoughtful, going to B&B etc - adn after all, she is your mum - giving birth is a HUGE deal.

Yes, in laws may feel a bit left out, but they will get over it.

fleximum · 26/03/2008 16:09

I wanted the same as you did when pregnant with ds but realised it would be really unfair to exclude in-laws if I wanted my parents there so I just bit my lip and welcomed all comers. We managed and no-one seemed to mind that I spent all my time in pyjamas and actually fell asleep when MIL was in mid conversation at one point. Suggest you talk over your worries with DH as I'm sure he will be able to tactfully handle his family if it all becomes a bit much

spicemonster · 26/03/2008 16:10

If it's just to visit rather than stay then yes I think you are a bit. I hate to say this but they aren't coming to see you, they're coming to see the baby. Tell your DH exactly how long they can stay (and you won't want anyone to visit for longer than an hour) and get him to organise visitors - no more than three sets a day. He can deal with all phone calls, make all cups of tea etc and all you have to do is sit there and watch other people tell you how marvellous and gorgeous your baby is.

Chequers · 26/03/2008 16:11

Message withdrawn

catzy · 26/03/2008 16:11

Would just say that when I had 1st born I was a bit hurt that everyone stayed away coz I wanted to show him off.

Ended up my DH had asked everyone to stay away to see how I felt.

PotPourri · 26/03/2008 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn