To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

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Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

As a mother of 2 boys, I do hav ethe same worries as posie that I will be looked at as a 2nd less important granny. However, my own MILs attitude and the way she has carried on, immediatley after the birth of DS1 and since then, well it's taught me what not to do!

Also, please don't just assume the first few weeks will be horrible and you'll feel dreadful (although you're quite right in acknowledging you might). The first few weeks after DD1 were born are probably some of the happiest and most peaceful of my life, and that was after 36 hours of labour and an emergency C-section. Hormones don't always work for the negative! You may feel fine about (limited) visitors. Good luck!

Could you organise a rota for the first week with all the ILs given one day each and asked to stay in a b&b like your mother. If they only popped in for an hour or so it might not be too bad.

Agree with saltire about the difficulty of being mother of boys in this situation and how to learn from our MIL's mistakes. I honestly think that Mumsnet should do a book about MILs with all these examples and situations. It would be great to have as a reminder about what to do and not to do in the future.

Good post, diplodocus, I was the same, felt so happy and joyful I just wanted to show my ds off to the world. And did!! That said, everyone came for short visits, nobody outstayed their welcome and on the whole were really helpful. I think dh had a lot to do with that, he's very charming and had a lovely way of pointing out where the kettle etc is in such a way as everyone felt free to help themselves and not sit there in the way waiting to be asked!
And I do agree with posie, I'm really worried at the thought that my future dil wouldn't want me around or to see gc till they were over a week old, or more!! I'll be a nice mil - honest!!!!

Not unreasonable at all. I specifically said mine could visit for a couple of hours (they live 200 miles away) but were not staying in my house. My FIL said' oh but you have loads of space' Didnt care if I lived at Windsor Castle, they werent staying, so DH booked then into local travelodge!

My ILs live at the other end of the country and came and stayed a week as soon DS and I were out of hospital which had been for a week in the end due to complications. They did stay in a B&B but I was still ready to kill them. They didn't so much as make a cup of tea let alone change a nappy (MIL's response was "I've had 5 kids, I've done my bit) , just whinged every day "we can't stay in again, let's visit a stately home" (I could still barely walk)and kept saying "You're not feeding him again?!" whenever I BF son.

I was feeling incredibly fragile and crap (planned home birth than tunred into a (real, scary) emergency c section) and I think their unhelpful presence and comments set back my emotional recovery a good month

Before the birth, DH was adamant "All grandparents are equal", "You can't stop them seeing their grandson immediatly" etc. Now he has totally changed his mind and this time round (am due in June) he has already phoned them and told them that my Mum is the only visitor allowed for the first month as she cooks, cleans and is utterly wonderful. They are mildly pissed off but neither of us care, we have said it just be too stressful trying to look after them, and a toddler and a newborn

At then end of the day, if you get on great and /or they live just up the road and can drop in for a quick cuppa, then that's fine. But if not BE SELFISH, this is your special time, you're the one having this baby and whatever helps you recover asap should be prioritised

xx

Try and limit to brief hospital visit and so long as dh is protective get him to keep it brief.

At home don't bother getting dressed as it means people won't stay as long and feel like you're not up to too much.

All depends on the ILs.

My MIL was great although bit of a blip pre-birth about her coming. They live at the other end of the country and she wanted to come down on the day I was being induced and have my dh meet her at the station. I told him if he left me while in labour I would divorce him and there was no guarantee that baby would be out by the time train arrived.

Other than that (she compromised and came after ds came out) she was fine, didn't stay long in hospital, stayed with my parents and she and my mother took turns looking after ds on our first night back from hospital, winding him and letting me sleep. A few tactless comments but o/wise fine.

As people have said you won't know what you'll feel like till the time. I'm usually sociable but didn't feel up to seeing anyone for about 3 weeks. MIL was undemanding and different from friends.

PS As other ladies have pointed out, I too am the mother of a son but I think it is unrealistic not to expect most girls to want their own mum there first, it's just the way of the world (Fate's payback for you saving on shelling out for the wedding )

That's not to say that I don't want to be considered an essential part of any grandchildren's life or that I won't do my utmost to be a fab, helpful, loving MIL / Granny but childbirth is, irrevocably, woman's business and in the immediate (I don't mean for months or years after!) aftermath, isn't it only natural for a girl to want to be with a femal figure she feels most at ease with - and this is usually, but not always of course, her Mum?

Hi - haven't had time to read all the thread but I was in the same position - parents live far away etc.

My parents came down in their caravan 3 days before my due date - they stayed in a caravan park a couple of miles along the road form our house - to give us space. I went into labour the day after they arrived and the follwoing day we all went up to the hospital. My Mum was fantastic she came back the following morning- I had a long and arduous labour and she gave my DH time to rest and helped me to focus on pushing. They drove my DH home and looked after him too.

I was very insistent that I didn't want ANY visitors whatsoever in hospital (although my Mum and Dad were exceptions) as I didn't want to be floating around in bedclothes, bleeding, trying to bf etc with anyone there (esp in-laws). I also said I didn't want any visitors at home for a week.

Got out of hospital after 3 days and DH's parents came the following day. They weren't too chuffed but IMO it is what is best for YOU and your baby that matters. #

Sod everyone else - if they don't like it- tough - it is you going through it no-one else. Most women would want their Mum (if they are close) there for support and help.

Lol I want my mum to stay away. If it is your first it is too easy to be over polite and put others first, but if you feel your MIL will overwhelm you , why on earth would you put her first? if she is tactless and unhelpful, let her wait a little or stay for a very short time, thats what happens to tactless people, no one wants them around and its their own fault. I am dying to say to my Mum who is unhelpful/hurtful/ tactless, 'I have done this before you know' in a really sarcastic voice when I have my second child later this year, as now I know most of the advice she gave me was utter nonsense so hopefully I will not be as upset by her comments and snide remarks. My MIl is wonderful she has never over said anything remotely critical to me about my ds and knows not to stay long or put pressure on me at all. So she is welcome. It does not matter if it is your mum or your dp's mum it is how they behave that counts.

What a wonderful post jennylee and a real inspiration to us mums of boys! Your comment "that's what happens to tactless people, no one wants them around and it's their own fault" could sum up my MIL but it's good to know it doesn't have to be that way.

Have only read the OP. You are being reasonable. With my 1st DC, everyone & their granny wanted to come round for a look - I was unwell and exhausted, and they weren't really interested in me - they just wanted to satisfy their own wishes.

With DC2, I allowed grandparents to visit early on, but told everyone else that I wanted to wait for a month before I saw anyone. There were a few raised eyebrows, and I am sure huffy comments behind my back, but the difference was amazing - I was able to recover so much better.

Part of the reason why I also did things differently 2nd time round, was because DD1 was exposed to chickenpox when she was only a few days old (by a poxy germ ridden neice - grrrr), and it could have had terrible consequences (apparently 25% of neonatal cases of CP are fatal). My GP told me that really it is best to limit non-essential contact with people from outside the home until the baby is at least 4 weeks old.

I am sure people thought I was strange, but I don't really care.

I've only read the OP, but I can just see the other side of this thread.

"DIL's mum will be there as soon as DGC is born, but I'm not allowed to go for a week". I think with all MIL issues you need to think how you would react if it was your mum and do the same.

But, I agree you don't want her staying with you ,she needs to book into B&B if she can't travel in a day. Tell the GP's they can come, but your DH needs to make sure they don't stay too long. Everyone else (on both sides of the family for fairness) should wait until they are invited.

Agree with perpetualworrier. I wish I'd had this problem. My in-laws, on finding out my due date, hot-footed it down to the nearest travel agent and booked an extra holiday for the week their only gs was due to be born .

Four years on, and living just round the corner, they have walked past him in the street and in shops because they don't recognise him.

My MIL died before I got to meet her - DH was only 13. We miss her terribly, even though I never met her - there is a huge gap in my family where she should be.

However, my DH's auntie has taken on the MIL role and is a total nightmare - she turned up at the hospital less than 24 hours after my emcs, as I was on my way for a much needed shower - when she was told by the nurses that I was going for a shower, she told them to tell me to wait!!
I told her to stuff off, and DH was by my bed, with the baby, and to feel free to have a look - I had a very very long shower!
She then gatecrashed at home, when I'd only been home for 2 days, we'd got other visitors who we'd planned and wanted to see - she marched in, asked disapprovingly if my goddaughter aged 6 should be cuddling the baby, and demanded a coffee.

I'm due ds in July and this time things will be very very different!!! She can come to visit at the hospital, then will be told by DH that we're having at least a week home alone, to settle as a family.

My mum and sister will be with us at home from day 1, as they are supremely helpful and will fetch us meals, wash up and entertain dd, who will be 20 months.

Good Luck, and do whatever is best for you - but remember that you could be unlucky enough to not have MIL around at all.

when DS1 was born we tried to give people time frames as to when it was ok to visit, this is because both mine and DH parents have seperated and have either re-married or have partners. Everyone got pretty over excited about the whole event and at one point we had 13 people visiting me at the community hosptial where i gave birth. DH was rushing round making everyone tea and i was so overwhelmed by it all and feel the after effects of giving birth the day before that i had to disappear and lay down, it didn't even cross anyones minds that it might all be a bit too much for us.

Anyway when DS2 was born in December at home we didn't allow any visitors for a couple of days as we just wanted it to be the 4 of us in our one little world and then over the following weeks everyone came along to meet the little chap - only one lot of visitors per day though and that worked out much better. We felt in control and i wasn't nearly as exhausted.

I think it is NBU to say no to people staying over but I think it is BU to stop IL's from seeing a grandchild, who is, after all, their own son's baby. I have two ds's and would be distraught if I was not allowed to see a new member of my family, part of my own flesh and blood. Apart from anything else, a new-born baby changes so much in a week, as they unfurl and de-wrinkle and adjust to their new environment. As it is, my oldest ds lives in America so I'm unlikely ever to see any of his NB babies (should they ever appear - he's been married 6+yrs!) due to circumstances and I find that thought hard enough to cope with.

Obviously, some people are undoubtedly a PITA, but I don't understand it when people say their IL's visit and demand cups of tea and so on - why doesn't your dh/p either supply the cup of tea or point out that the kettle is in the kitchen and the cups in the cupboard??

Actually shortshafe you have a point (as far as my situation goes). My dh's mum died when he was 16 and I never knew her - my in-laws are his dad and step-mother. I think things would be different for us if his mum was still here. I've heard a lot about her (my mum and dad knew her) and she was a lovely person by all accounts.

That's very sensible, Nanoon, to give folks set visiting times and to have one rule for all so everyone is treated fairly. Am shocked at 13 visitors being allowed in the hospital, they should be acting as gatekeeper for you.

Thanks again for all the responses - overwhelmed by the number of replies! Peoples' opinions vary widely i think according to their experiences and relationships with respective parents/IL's. Also by how 'fair' is interpreted. To me, being fair to everyone doesn't necessarily mean treating everyone the same (and treating someone fairly can often mean what is fair in relation to how that person treats you/your family).
Will bear this all in mind!

I can see that you might not want streams of visitors, but to be honest, you would have to be in a very bad state not to be able to see your MIL and PIL for an hour during the first week. Your DH can even manage expectations by suggesting they take the baby out for a walk with your DH after the first half hour (as mentioned up thread). BIL and SIL do not have to visit at all. You do not have to provide so much as a custard cream. It is up to your DH to manage visitors. The thing to remember is that they have come to see the baby, not you. Nothing wrong with you handing the baby over to your DH when they arrive and going upstairs to sleep/eat chocolate/read magazines. I think you are very lucky that they live an hour away so that they can make a short visit.

You do have to include your IL's in your life much more when you have children, and you might as well get used to it now.

"Obviously, some people are undoubtedly a PITA, but I don't understand it when people say their IL's visit and demand cups of tea and so on - why doesn't your dh/p either supply the cup of tea or point out that the kettle is in the kitchen and the cups in the cupboard??"

Exactly suedonim - if your partner can't do this, the problem is having a wimp of a partner, not overbearing IL's.

This advice was given to me when I was pregnant for the first time and I pass it on whenever I am asked for an opinion.
In the first 10 days, if someone appears at your door (family or friend) they can only come in if they are either
a) returning with the washing that they took from your laundry basket when they last visited, all now clean and ironed...
b) bringing in a Shepherds Pie or 2 to put in your freezer
c) have 3 shopping bags full of milk, fruit, cakes and other essentials
d) have a plate of sandwiches for lunch.

And if someone knows you well enough to come visiting that soon then they should know where you keep the teabags or not be afraid to ask.

Good luck with it all. Enjoy those first few days whatever happens.

mckenzie - lol, like it!

I keep the same visiting hours as hospital - 2-7pm. That means no rushing about feeding kids and getting dressed, lunch when you're ready etc, maybe even time to tidy. Also means you can politely kick them out and have a nap, long relaxed feeding session in front of the primetime telly or put the other kids to bed. My inlaws seem to think it's rude or something to leave someone's house so on the whole they're quite grateful to be told when to leave.
Do remember to buy lots of bogroll, teabags, coffee and milk (for the freezer) before the baby comes.