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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

325 replies

pleasechange · 26/03/2008 15:45

Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
jellybeans · 30/03/2008 11:50

Totally agree with Lucicle, chances are if the MIL is nice to DIL and accepts her (whether they like her or not) without trying to take over, they will be fine. Some women (like my MIL) though seem unable to let go of their sons or the control they have. Sorry to go on about my MIL again but she did not let DS see his paternal G-parents or his own Dad but let her own parents pretty much bring him up. Yet she expects to be 'closely involved' (her words) with my kids while being awful to me and acting like (at the time) I was a kid with no idea how to look after a baby! I have a friend with a great relationship with her MIL and the MIL acts like she cares for DIL and not just like she wants DP and the kids and she is an extra to be despised, that's how I hope to be for my future DIL. I would want to see a baby quite soon but would see it as a privaledge not a right.

bohemianbint · 30/03/2008 19:24

All depends on the people involved, doesn't it.

I had a HB and the house was invaded for 6 hours straight for the next 2 days. We were not given a choice in the matter, no one cared that we hadn't eaten or slept and we were too dazed to deal with it. It affected both of us deeply, to the point it almost tipped me into PND.

No way is this happening next time. I'm staying in bed for a week. People can come for 20 mins and then bugger off, unless they're planning to cook or mop the floor for us.

Some people know how to act around new parents, others don't. Those that don't need to be told. It's a learning curve, last time was hideous, this time will be different.

madmuggle · 31/03/2008 13:01

Some mothers in law are vile. Some are lovely. Human nature makes us shout about the former and just expect people to know about the latter. Just because the poster who started this thread has issues with her mother in law doesn't mean she is an evil bitch to be vilified.

As much as we might not like it, a new mum will more often than not feel a greater bond with her own mum than any other woman. It's natural, and any mother in law should be able to accept that with grace. Being asked to wait a short time isn't much when you look at the bigger picture. If all a new grandparent can think about is them self then they're a pretty pants grandparent.

Personally, I didn't want to see anybody at all after I had my child. Visitors came to hospital so we could tell everyone to stay away once we got home. Perfect.

I hope the original poster and her partner have the ability to make their own decision about what is best for their situation.

Nannypep · 31/03/2008 20:22

GET A GRIP, ALL OF YOU!!! THIS WOMAN HASN'T EVEN GIVEN BIRTH YET, BUT WANTS TO EXCLUDE THE "WRONG" GRANDPARENTS. THE CHILD WON'T KNOW WHO HE/SHE IS MEANT TO LOVE MOST (AS IF THAT WERE DESIRABLE).

THEY SHOULD AT LEAST BE TREATED THE SAME. EITHER EXCLUDE BOTH SETS OF PARENTS OR ALLOW BOTH SETS.

THIS WHOLE THREAD IS RIDICULOUS, BECAUSE IT'S HYPOTHETICAL. SHE WON'T KNOW HOW SHE FEELS TILL IT HAPPENS. I THINK SHE JUST WANTS TO EXCLUDE THE IN-LAWS.

scottishmummy · 31/03/2008 20:30

dont SHOUT!why you are so EXASPERATED and confrontational.if thread is so ridiculous dont read it

madmuggle · 31/03/2008 20:47

Nannypep, the only person who is in need of getting a grip is yourself. A lot of people on here are being reasonable and balanced. Unfortunately you seem to be one of the ever increasing number that are not.

Chequers · 31/03/2008 20:55

Message withdrawn

quarkee · 31/03/2008 21:01

My MIL was waiting behind the door of the delivery suite and came in about 15 mins after DS had been born - I had 2nd degree tear and they wanted to stich me up and DH had to almost throw her out after that first cuddle! At the time I wanted just DH and me but MIL is by herself now and DH is her pride and joy and she was desparate to se DS so just couldnt deny her the experience - my Mum always used to say 'offer it up to the Holy Souls' - I believe the modern idiom is 'suck it up' - not quite as poetic but you get my drift.

That said - she now talks to DS about how Mummy was too tired to hold him and so she was there to look after him I hope the Holy Souls are happy...

ItsGrimUpNorth · 31/03/2008 21:05

When the OP has her baby, she may be delighted to have all the rellies about. She may not. She may feel like she only wants her mum. She's allowed to have it that way if she wants.

Some take longer to recover than others and have different needs. It doesn't make them selfish or weaker in any way.

It's not necessarily about excluding one group over the other. It's more about giving the mum what she needs after her birth experience.

Personally, if after having given birth I just wanted my mum around and only my mum, I couldn't give a stuff how anyone else would feel about it.

scottishmummy · 31/03/2008 21:11

fundamentally everyone should respect allnew wishes.the relationship with granny wont suffer for few days rest for new mum. and allnew may value and appreciate that her wishes were respected and no one squabbled over who saw baby first

halogen · 31/03/2008 21:22

Frankly, I think it is absolutely mental to talk about the child not knowing "WHO HE/SHE IS MEANT TO LOVE MOST". We are talking about a newborn baby here. It won't make a scrap of difference to him or her who is there or not for the first weeks or even months as long as his/her mother/primary carer is there. It took my daughter several months to be able to properly remember her grandparents from one weekly visit to the next. All that matters is that the parents should feel comfortable and happy with whatever they decide should happen. If that means that one or both sets of grandparents have to wait a little while to see their new grandchild then tough. It's allnew's baby and she's allowed to do whatever she likes within reason. And not seeing someone who may upset you is perfectly within reason.

spicemonster · 31/03/2008 21:26

I just think it's a bit sad to ban GPs from seeing the baby. And I hope there isn't a 'my in laws don't want to babysit much' thread in a few months' time.

I believe that a baby is a gift for the whole family and that everyone that wants to be included should all be allowed to rejoice and share the joy. Clearly I am a mad hippy

Theochris · 31/03/2008 21:35

I don't think that the baby would care either way. I cared though when my baby was born. I cared that the family of my baby felt included, thus making my relationship with people nicer and fair. It's up to the OP though, but she did post on AIBU though so she was always going to get some robust answers.

I really do think though that the dad in these situations has to have some balls and remove visitors who outstay their welcome. So many people post about disinterested families on these boards that it seems a shame not to encourage an interested one. Any way I will back away from this now because IL threads often make me sad.

quarkee · 31/03/2008 21:35

spicemonster - i'm with you...

scottishmummy · 31/03/2008 21:36

this thead has grown legs and started running about op didnt mention banning she is considering waiting "about a week".

no biggie
not disruptive to formative relationship with granny
might allow allnew a wee rest

ernest · 31/03/2008 21:42

what gets me is if the boot was on the other foot, how would people react? Suppose the dh says he finds his mil a bit hard work and doesn't want his mil to visit, and will only allow his mum? Is that fair?

I just don't understand causing hurt or offense to anybody - like a few people have said, there's nothing to say the new mum has to be there anyway, she could just take the opportunity to go up for a rest if there are any visitors not esp wanted.

Am dreading June when I'll have my dc. My mum kindly offered to come to help look after the others while I'm in hospital. She now announces she's coming with her husband so now faced with offending her and having no one to look afer dcs, or having her husband around who I don't feel at all comfortable around. But I don't think I could tell her he couldn't come, but just try to get them to go sharpish after I get out of hospital.

It is important I feel to take other people's feelings into account as well. There should be a way to keep everyone happy

scottishmummy · 31/03/2008 21:50

birth and NewBaby is mentally and physically demanding people should comply with allnew requests - its not a competition first to see baby is da best granny

WinkyWinkola · 31/03/2008 21:58

Ernest, put yourself and what you want or need first. Indulge yourself just this once!

OLIVIASMAMA · 31/03/2008 22:12

They've been waiting for this for ages - let them come for a cup of tea and a cuddle. They're EXCITED!!!!....and it's a couple of hour's when all said and done, they'll leave delighted and you'll have "done your bit". Go on - be kind.

AbbeyA · 31/03/2008 22:48

'I believe that a baby is a gift for the whole family and that everyone that wants to be included should all be allowed to rejoice and share the joy. Clearly I am a mad hippy '

I think there are a lot of us about! I am glad I am not the only one. I agree with Oliviasmama-they are excited-it wouldn't hurt to be kind! I can appreciate women wanting their own Mum's with them but it doesn't mean that they have to exclude MIL.

madmuggle · 01/04/2008 00:27

When all is said and done, a grandparent is just a member of extended family. They're not, in the grand scheme of things, in any way important to a newborn baby unless they are going to be the primary carer. Like any other members of extended family they should await an invitation to visit. It's just good manners.

Qally · 01/04/2008 04:01

"what gets me is if the boot was on the other foot, how would people react? Suppose the dh says he finds his mil a bit hard work and doesn't want his mil to visit, and will only allow his mum? Is that fair?"

If he'd just given birth, I'd say so, yeah.

I want my IL to have close and loving relationships with my baby. But I also know that I am at risk of PND, and after the birth my Mum is coming to stay to offer support. My MIL (who my DH finds infuriating, never mind me) will be welcome to visit as often as she likes - but also after a week, so I can recover from birth and becoming a Mum.

It's perfectly natural that women turn to their mothers for support after having a baby; in fact I recall some research showing that was a key factor in avoiding PND. Naturally I'll want to include my MIL in our baby's life, because that's best for my baby, but I don't love her, and I have an extremely close and loving relationship with my single-parent Mum, who I adore. My MIL drains myself and DH, Mum helps. That's the bottom line, in the immediate aftermath of birth.

bohemianbint · 01/04/2008 09:20

IT ALL DEPENDS ON THE MOTHER/MIL!

Giving birth to someone doesn't give you all the rights, you also have to behave well to them.

suey2 · 01/04/2008 09:33

why are families so blimmin competitive? (sorry only read OP). I would have nothing to do with it- let DH coordinate his family. My DD is 3 months old- mum saw her the day she was born, FIL at 8 weeks, MIL still to see (she lives abroad) I have totally delegated this responsibiliy so that i cannot be held to account for stepping on anyone's toes.

BTW when they do visit, i would use it as an excuse to have a lie down or bath so that you don't say something you do mean but shouldn't say. They will still love your DH whatever, but sometimes ILs are not forgiven IYKWIM

tensmum · 01/04/2008 09:45

suey2, the op is saying her mother can visit during the first week but her in laws can't. As a mother of a boy, in the very, very rare chance he has a child I would be devastated to find out I was the least important grandparent, I would think that we should all be equal!