To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

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Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

YANBU at all. The 1st morning I was home from hospital, after just having got DS asleep after he was up most of the night, and lying down myself for some much needed shut-eye, I heard a car pull up in the drive. 10 seconds later, into my bedroom storms MIL and her sister. They marched right past me lying in bed and up to the moses basket and start jabbering away, waking DS up in the process. When I sat up in bed and had a go at them for this I was told 'Oh he was awake anyway' and was promptly ignored by them. This was 3 years ago now and it still makes my blood boil to write about it! DH had to go back to work immediately after the birth so he wasn't around to gatekeep. And I was never able to establish bfing as I was constantly on edge about MIL walking in unannounced (I was in too much of a mental fog to remember to lock the doors), as she completely ignored my instructions to knock and wait for a reply. I wish I had been firmer myself and thought of setting specific visiting times.

I agree with everyone who suggests letting her come round for a specified time. Banning her completely would be OTT, but I can definitely understand where you are coming from!

Congratulations and best of luck!

As a mum of two boys this is another mumsnet thread that Ive found incredibly depressing to read

Even though clearly in some cases the MIL is being a pain - generally there seems to be much much more acceptance for mothers than MIL's

I agree kizzie (though I dont have any boys). I try very hard to include my inlaws as much as they would like. Our child/children will be their only grandchildren and I want them to feel properly part of our family.

To some extent esp for those who have sons but daughters too it's important to model good behaviour for your kids to see (unless there is some really good reason for a falling out). I want my kids to think it's important to be nice to their grandparents. Both sets, as the ILs did bring up their dad.

Like lots of other people have said you might feel closer to them when your baby is born and you will have more to talk about. I don't have too much to chat to my ILs about, but we can always talk about their grandchild. If they are nice grandparents you will probably like them more when you see how much they love your child.

Also like lots of people said if they overstep the mark your DH should be dealing with it. But if you don't give them a chance for a quick visit it seems a shame.

As the mother of 3 boys I find all MIL threads totally depressing. WHY is the maternal grandmother superior to the paternal one? When the time comes (if it does)I will be desperate to see the new baby-they will already have changed in a week. Either have both lots or none. It is totally unfair to let one lot visit and not the other.

I've always allowed equal access and whoever and whenever to visit us after both kids. Sorry but I find it a bit depressing to have all these rules around a new born baby.

I find it depressing too-you can bond and have visitors.

Hurrah!! Thank goodness for Hercules1 and TheoChris

Haven't read all, but think yabu really, although I can see how you may be tempted to do it. Is there any way you could get as many of the inlaw visits out of the way with whilst you are in hospital so that they cn't outstay their welcome, and you don't have to look after them? I had to stay in for 3 days first time so this helped, but you may not be able to. Get your OH to be responsible for making sure that they don't overstay their welcomes, planning in advance what sort of time they should leave, you can give them polite excuses, tell them other people are coming or something.

We dont have any close family living nearby, except my husbands aunt, she lives 30 minutes away. When my oldest was born she took one week off from work. She visited daily, came in the morning, she cooked did laundry, ironed, just generally mucked in.

After 3 weeks my sister and her dd came to visit, and stayed 2 weeks. 2 weeks thereafter my MIL came, a few days before my sister and dd left. It was fine.

It was a totally different scenario when my youngest was born.

Beat this if you can:
We had:

1. 1 female colleague of my dh from India staying 3 months around the time of the birth (she roomed in with my oldest)
2. My sister and her dd came 3 days before I was due. (They took the guest bedroom)
3. My MIL came when the baby was 1 week old (she slept on a blow up materess on the living room floor)
4. My dh working from home and bringing his collegues home to work from the garden office EVERY DAY (and they came into the house to use the toilet, and make lunch.... )

4 extra people in the house, plus my dh and his work collegues. It was totally MAD!

I agree that you should set some guidelines about what you want to happen (at the time, when you know what that is) but, just think how you'd be feeling if none of the in-laws gave a damn about your impending arrival? At least they care! And somehow, a child really is the blending of two families. That may be an uncomfortable thought if you're at all about your ILs, but they are your DH's family, after all, and every bit as valid as yours.

hi allnew

i agree that limiting visits in first week is no bad thing - you will be tired, a bit tearful maybe and want to spend the time with the lo. but....your mum is dh's mil so it works both ways.

best thing is to give everyone who comes a job - don't offer to make them tea say "oh i'd love a cup of tea if you want to put the kettle on" as someone said dh can be the protective dad.

i think your il's would be devastated if they knew your mum came first week and they were excluded.

TBH this idea of keeping people at arm's length is not something I have experienced in real life. Last week we went to see our close friends' baby - they live over an hour away. The little girl was a day short of two weeks old, but my friend had had a hard pregnancy and CS at 37 weeks and then baby in special care for a few days. But they welcomed us in, and while I was quite prepared to only stay an hour, we ended up all going together to their local for a carvery meal.

And all of my immediate family have visited both my children on the day they were born. And we have visited all four of our nephews on the day after they were born - I reproduce earlier in the day than them!

mckenzie, you rule. I think all mothers should be given that advice as a laminated sheet to be pinned to the front door on the birth of their baby.

On a serious note, I don't understand why people are aghast that a mum to be is contemplating restricting visitors after her baby is born. When all is said and done, it will be her that has to bear the brunt of the inane small talk, crap advice and requests for tea. It's of no consequence who she's deciding to keep away for a while, as long as she is happy in herself it's the only thing that matters. How often do we hear that a happy mother is essential for a happy child?

Personally I preferred people to visit before I left hospital as the nurses were damn fine about policing visiting hours and the number of people permitted at a bed. Bless their overworked cotton socks. It also meant that I could then quite happily ignore the door whenever I wanted to after returning home.

Agnes

I am really shocked at this thread, and how the majority agree that it is ok to block the in laws from visiting in the first week. My relationship with my MIL is pretty crap, to the point where I have barely spoken to her in months, but I would never restrict her wanting to enjoy her new grandchild.

I agree that I would not want them staying in the house, but if they were only an hour away, and were popping in, what is the problem?
Lay around in your pjs and make it obvious you are not there to wait on them hand and foot. I enjoyed having people to visit even whilst I was still in hospital after both my caesareans.

My DH would've been quite upset if he had not been allowed to share his new arrival with his parents.

The mother being happy isn't the only thing that counts! It is mean and selfish to keep away immediate members of the family. I am not talking about coming to stay for hours and expecting to be looked after but sharing in the joy of a new baby for a brief visit!They change so much in a short time at that age. I will never forget the woman in the next bed to me when I had my last DC. She was going out after 6 hours and as her DH collected her he mentioned that his mother was popping around that evening to see them (and he did mean popping), she went mad saying how 'inconsiderate' it was and went on and on about it to the poor man. It was her 2nd DS so I felt like saying to her that I hoped eventually that she had similar treatment from a DIL, it was such a horrible attitude.

Why is it so very shocking? The baby isn't going anywhere. The new mum could be feeling terrible and simply doesn't want visitors.

Bit OTT to say the new mum is preventing the GPs from enjoying their grandchild. She just needs her time. Nobody should resent that.

She'll have just been through the most physically strenuous exertion in her life and it's up to her who she sees for the next few days.

Plus you just don't know what the relatives are like. Lots do put upon the new parents and don't think to bring a casserole or mop the floor or even make tea for the parents. It's better to respect the wishes of the new mum.

Make her feel like she's in control even though her life is completely changed and that she probably has no control over it for a while.

I find it shocking because as others have pointed out, I hope my ds' future partner doesn't treat me like a second class grandparent, and I just think there's something sad about wanting to tell such close family members to stay away.

Yes we all need time to ourselves after having a baby, but you can still have that time to yourselves, and allow other people to visit your baby for short periods of time. Just make it clear you want only brief visits.

And I speak as someone who has entertained very dark thoughts regarding my MIL over the years.

I agree icklelou, I have always been very fair to my inlaws and I would hope to get on well with any future DIL. I think that it is very unkind to keep grandparents away and it is totally unreasonable to let maternal ones visit but keep paternal ones away.

But why are you second class if you show respect to the preferences of someone who has just had a baby? HOw are you second class if you put the new mum's feelings above yours? I think that makes you a first class grandparent.

I don't think anyone is saying a new mum must have visitors, what people are objecting to is having one rule for some and another for others.

But if it's what the new mum feels most comfortable with, then so be it.

wow..i didnt realise MIL were so bad!!!

My oldest DS was in intensive care on the SCBU ward for 3 weeks so had no visitors except me and ex, then aftre that it was on a strict rotation system enforced bythe scariest nurse in history ( she even stopped me from holding him on several occasions). They had a real shock when my FIL walked in, 6" biker in leathers and tattoos!!!

By the time ds2 was born ( 20 months later) both MIL and FIL had passed away. My mum still talks about holding ds2 for the first time in the hospital and expecting MIL to arrive.

I can see the point about wanting to have some space, but everyone just wants to welcome the newest family member. I lost a nephew at two weeks old, his gran hadnt even held him as everyone else visited first and she looked after the older ones.

What ever you do allnew, it will be a life long memory for you, husband, mil, fil, mother...all of them.

The new mum might never want her IL's to see the baby - is that also ok? Doesn't the father get a say as well? He might be desperate to show his new baby to his parents.

Ummm - I don't know. I think you should go for equality of treatment actually.

I have a boy and agirl. I already feel vulnerable about my boy (my adult relationship with him with be largely influenced by my future daughter in law)

Perhaps the new mum ought to think how she will feel when she gets to that stage and she isn't allowed to visit her new grandchild as a new born, but has to wait until her DIL feels generous enough to let her visit! It is fair enough if she has no visitors at all but not if she has two rules and some people are allowed to visit and some not. The grandparents should be allowed first visits and that means both sets. After all the baby wouldn't exist without them!!