To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

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Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

But grandparents are not equal. All the political correctness in the world will not over-ride the hormones a new mum goes through.

I have a child of each gender. If they ever decide to have children I hope I act with a lot more grace and tact than some of the people on here are showing.

I think a lot of people missed the point on this, tensmum. I didn't take it to mean that pushy mil was insisting on coming to stay for days and days butting in and causing trouble. The op basically asked whether it was unreasonable to get her dh to ask his mother to wait a week before any visit to see the baby. I think she said they live an hour away, so there would be no need to stay, and take up hours of their time.

No one who thinks it's perfectly reasonable to tell mils to keep away has put what I would say is a compelling argument. It's all been the usual moans regarding mils. Mine is no exception, she does things that I've asked her not to, passes comment when really there's no need to, she's the queen of forgetting birthdays and manages to make me feel like the worst mother or wife in the world on occasion. But she does love us, and we love her, you can't change the way someone is, and I don't think she means to do it. I know when my mum has been a pita, it still smarts a bit if dh makes a comment, so I can understand the unconditional love he has for his mum. Besides, I'm not perfect, I'm sure I've said or done silly things that could be misconstrued over the years. I'm not saying we should all lay down and take everything mils throw at us, but i can't help feeling that sometimes we're too quick to take offence.

The thought of my mil coming to stay for ages in the early days brings me out in a rash (particularly as I lived with her when ds was first born!) but to get dh to tell his own mum she's not welcome in the early days is unkind, and smacks of getting him to pass some kind of silly loyalty test.

Anyway it doesn't really matter because I can see allnew decided not to ban her mil from seeing new baby anyway, so apologies for wittering on about has she asked her dh etc. in earlier posts.

As the mother of a son, I don't expect to have a right to see any grandchildren I might have, but of course I would want to see them as soon as I could without imposing myself on any future dil.

Just to confirm a couple of points (as indeed as someone said, this thread does appear to have grown legs!):
Oliviasmum - you are assuming the MIL is excited. However experience in my pregnancy to date suggests otherwise (e.g. recently visited her house and heard about her recent holiday for the whole time, then on our way out the first and only reference to my pregnancy was to point out how huge I am)

Spicemonster - you are assuming that otherwise, the MILs would have been happy to babysit. As I mentioned, we have DSC and so I have direct experience of her willingness to babysit. Basically on the 2 occasions we have asked her to babysit, she has refused

yanbu, your baby, your home. if you dont want oodles of visitors bringing all their bugs around a newborn then that is your choice. Try not to worry too much, make it clear to your dp that he needs to 'police' the visitors. IF you just want your parents that is how it has to be. After all PIL will get to se the baby but perhaps not straight away.

Ds is now 3 months and we had people just turn up on doorstep and dp sent them on their way (nicely of course). I had painful episiotomony (off for repair today) and didnt want people around whilst i couldnt even sit comfy.

I disagree madmuggle-grandparents are equal! Why on earth should you be the main grandmother because you are the mother of a girl? My mother has me, and a son, she doesn't favour one lot of grandchildren above the other, my SIL doesn't favour her mother over my mother.
It is not a competition, of course the baby doesn't know or care! I don't think you measure it! THe mother would most probably like to have her mother with her rather than MIL, but to deny MIL a short visit in the first week is unkind.
I would have loved a DD, I am happy to have 3 lovely, healthy DSs, but will never know the mother/daughter relationship. I am the first woman in my line (since humans first began!!)not to have a daughter.So I think that it would be kind of a DIL to include me as close family or at least acknowledge that after her DP,DCs and own parents I would like to see the baby.

To a mother, the grandparents are rarely equal. I'm not saying it's right, it's just the way it is. Seeing the baby is fine, but it cannot be dictated by the grandparent. They have had their turn, they made their choices, They should allow their children to do the same, and if that means waiting a few days then so be it. It's not the end of the world is it?

Everyone seems to be taking the wishes of Allnew to be some slight against mothers-in-law everywhere. To me it reads that she'd quite like to just enjoy and get used to her baby in peace without a negative influence hovering about. In those first few days, a negative attitude, especially from somebody can cause more problems than being a potentially doting grandmother can ever compensate for.

I agree that it is fine if the parents want to be alone with the baby but it is very unfair if it is only the MIL that is excluded and not the mother. Either both or none, but not one and not the other. (One more than the other is fine).The one thing that gets me annoyed on MIL threads is the putting of the MIL as second class.

I haven't read all the posts but most of them. I have to say as much as I believe all grandparents are created equal a daughter will often have a bond with her mother that she will never have with anyone else and after giving birth will be much more accepting on having her mother around who has seen her at her very worse many times before and who she can say anything to rather than someone who she is related to by marriage no matter HOW nice a MIL she is (and I am one of the lucky ones who has a lovely MIL)

However I agree that to deny MIL a short visit in the first week would be unkind.

I'm sorry but there's no way I would want my MIL around for the first couple of weeks. I would definitely want my parents around.

I can happily chat to my parents wearing a towel, fresh from the shower. I can slob around in a nightie in front of them. I can sit surrounded by mess/dust and not be judged. I can tell them to back off if I need to and know that they won't be offended.
Even DH (who loves his parents very much) finds my parents much easier to be around.

If my MIL were different it would change things somewhat, but in all honesty I still don't think I'd want her around for a week or so until I felt ready for visitors. For me, ILs are extended family. My parents are family.

Keep them away if that is what you want. You need to feel up to them visiting and it is your call. I stayed in hosp for 4 days after DS was born and was in the "patient hotel" which is above the mat unit and has maternity nurses there, the visiting times were more relaxed ie anytime! my in laws turned up everyday and stayed for hours even when I had other visitors and I never got a proper bath/shower - tbh was glad to get home - it really bothered me as like you, my mum knows me and is very tactful whereas MIL is as subtle as a brick!! You need to make your feelings known beforehand so that everyone knows where they stand!

X

Smiles

Message withdrawn

Well all I can say is that I hope all of you who see your own parents as family and the inlaws as extended family have boys only, and one day you might find out what it is like to be excluded!
Actually, in real life, I have only good role models and I can only think, off hand, of a couple of people, who have such a one sided arrangement. I think it will all work out OK, but I get annoyed with posters on here who do not see their DPs parents as equal; at best they seem tolerated and at worse a superfluous nuisance! You don't marry a man in isolation-he usually has a family!

i think as long as there not staying over then thats fine. if there like my inlaws and expect you to run around after them cleaning up and looking after them then i think its understandable to ask them to wait a while. my inlaws are coming to stay in a couple of weeks when dd3 is about a month old and to be honest thats far to soon!! there here for 3 nights and will expect me to run round after them like a blue arsed fly

But if a new mum (i.e. my future DIL fingers crossed!) who'd just given birth didn't want to see me for a few days or even a few week, I just wouldn't feel excluded! I'd completely understand it.

I'd order food for her and her DH to put in the freezer, send presents and let them know that whenever they needed me, I'd be there like a shot for them. Not for me, for them and what they needed.

I would completely understand it WinkyWonkola, as long as it is the same rule for all.

But I wouldn't mind even if DIL's mum had been there since the baby was born. Because you see, it's not about me as a GP. It's all about the new mum and the new dad and the new baby and what they need. If they don't want me about for a few days or whatever, then so be it.

Sorry to sound like a martyr but that's how I see it.

My ILs are extended family to me.
They're still family, just not family I want to see me in a dressing gown.

I think that it's based on my DHs relationship with them more than anything else. He wouldn't want them around because they drive him insane. He loves being around my family. He's the one who suggests we go up to my parents for a week when he can only cope with a day in his parents company.

I love the way that DILs always carry the blame when it's quite often the son who can't be bothered. I have posted before that I am the one who nags him to call his family, I'm the one who buys their presents and I'm the one who tries to get him to visit them.
His mother is a bitch to me, but I'm always civil to her, and I let her go on thinking that it's my fault because I'd never want to tell any mother that it's her child that doesn't want to spend time with her.

agree tenaciousd. I think that is what all of the posters have been imagining when considering the issue. My MIL is mentally ill and a vindictive bitch. Has always been nasy to DH (not the favourite child). MIL and FIL separated when DH was young and DH just does not ahve the same relationship with his parents as i do with mine. He also finds my parents much better company than his own. I distinctly remember the first time we were all together - afterwards my husband said 'you are all so bloody nice to each other'.

I have offered to go abroad without him to see MIL with DD. I have written to her to ask her to let us know next time she is in england so she can come and see the baby. DH will not have her to stay. That is why i say let your DH sort it out- i have previously learned the hard way that it is never worht getting involved in the politics of your extended family.

So, abbey, it is not the same rule for all. My mum is wonderful and we ahve a fantastic relationship. She has been looking after my increasingly disabled father for the last 2 years since he had a severe stroke and she deserved a rest and a little bit of happiness in her life. Dad went into respite and mum came down for 10days to stay with us. DD came on day 10, but prior to that mum slept 10 hours every night and sat on the couch the rest of the time whilst my husband cooked us lovely dinners. (not like her at all) So not the same rule for both grannies.

I guess the real answer is that it does depend on the granny. Some MsIL are better than DMs. And i totally agree with the seeing you in your dressing gown with your tits out thing. I had had 4 nights of no sleep by the time i got home from hospital. If MIL had been there, I would not have been able to entertain her (which she would have expected) and i would likely have said something to her that would have been held against me forever. (i am pretty forthright and often have to bite my lip) DH was very worried about me and also would have been vulnerable.

agree tenaciousd. I think that is what all of the posters have been imagining when considering the issue. My MIL is mentally ill and a vindictive bitch. Has always been nasy to DH (not the favourite child). MIL and FIL separated when DH was young and DH just does not ahve the same relationship with his parents as i do with mine. He also finds my parents much better company than his own. I distinctly remember the first time we were all together - afterwards my husband said 'you are all so bloody nice to each other'.

I have offered to go abroad without him to see MIL with DD. I have written to her to ask her to let us know next time she is in england so she can come and see the baby. DH will not have her to stay. That is why i say let your DH sort it out- i have previously learned the hard way that it is never worht getting involved in the politics of your extended family.

So, abbey, it is not the same rule for all. My mum is wonderful and we ahve a fantastic relationship. She has been looking after my increasingly disabled father for the last 2 years since he had a severe stroke and she deserved a rest and a little bit of happiness in her life. Dad went into respite and mum came down for 10days to stay with us. DD came on day 10, but prior to that mum slept 10 hours every night and sat on the couch the rest of the time whilst my husband cooked us lovely dinners. (not like her at all) So not the same rule for both grannies.

I guess the real answer is that it does depend on the granny. Some MsIL are better than DMs. And i totally agree with the seeing you in your dressing gown with your tits out thing. I had had 4 nights of no sleep by the time i got home from hospital. If MIL had been there, I would not have been able to entertain her (which she would have expected) and i would likely have said something to her that would have been held against me forever. (i am pretty forthright and often have to bite my lip) DH was very worried about me and also would have been vulnerable.

I am completely puzzled by MILs who show up expecting to be entertained and waited on as "guests" by DIL who has just had a baby! Although granted, I can completely see my own mother doing this, as she has done so to me. Thankfully, I live too far away from her now for her to do this.

When my DIL had her baby in 2006, I was 39 weeks pregnant myself, so was absolutely sympathetic. DH & I told her (and DS) that if they needed anything, please let us know and we'd help out, but that we would wait a bit and let them settle in before we bothered them. We made sure they understood that we were thrilled and very excited to see the grandchild, but as she had a difficult labour/delivery, we wanted her to get plenty of rest without us being in her way. And when we did go to visit, we brought food and made tea/coffee and served so she could relax.

I do not understand this whole "race to see the baby" thing. A week or two wait to visit is hardly going to make a big difference, IMO. The baby is still going to be little - you'll still get the chance to fuss over it. But mum, dad, and baby will then have had a chance to bond, and mum has had the chance to build up a little confidence in her parenting skills, not to mention recuperating from childbirth. I'm really not bothered whether or not the other grandparents see the baby first or not. It's not a competition.

Nope, I had to ban my parents from visiting us on Sunday (dd2 born 26th March by c-section) as I phoned her on the Saturday and said I feel ok but can you give me another week to get organized. She rang back later and said she had booked the B and B for Sunday for a week. I just said no, sorry, I don't want any visitors at all until next week.

That probably seems unreasonable but last time with dd1 she constantly told me she was hungry and needed a bottle of formula when I was desperately trying to master breast feeding

Do what you need to

That's because you're a sane normal human being triggles. I had to put up with my mad grandmother visiting the second that I was out of hospital, waking me up so that I could greet her, and then trying to stop her from waking up DD who was asleep for what turned out to be the only 6 hour stretch for 4 months.
To make it worse, I had been kicked out of hospital before I was ready because there was a shortage of beds and I was in a great deal of pain due to a traumatic labour and having trouble breastfeeding.
But she had to come because she was the great-grandmother and she wanted to brag to everyone that she had had the first (non-GP) cuddle. She was complaining royally that she wasn't invited over daily when she found out that my Mum visited most days. She said "I suppose that I don't count because I'm only the great-grandmother". Yes, nothing to do with the fact that my Mum is supportive for me to breastfeed, brings me an M and S lunch every day and falls over herself to not be a burden whereas she took a very unhealthy interest in my breasts and nearly dropped DD (luckily I didn't trust her and was near enough to catch DD, otherwise she would have dropped her).
Sorry, this is quite a rant. But most families do seem to have this stupid competition, even though you would think that the needs of the new Mum and new baby would come first.

"Giving birth to someone doesn't give you all the rights, you also have to behave well to them."

Longterm, I absolutely agree. In the week after birth though - when you've been through a pretty hardcore physical endurance test at best, serious operation at worse, and you've suddenly had your world turned upside down, and are probably more vulnerable than ever before? I think trying to put your sanity first while you recover is reasonable. In my case, I very much don't want my father there - he's an arse. I'd rather see my MIL. But really, I'd rather see nobody but my Mum and DH during that time. I just don't see why people have to be competitive about it all, because the baby's far too small to care either way, let alone form close bonds.

Qally - totally agree with you about the short term too. What I meant when I said that "Giving birth to someone doesn't give you all the rights, you also have to behave well to them" applied to mothers/in laws.

Being a new grandmother/grandmother in law in name doesn't give you the right to invade someone's house and overide their wishes. If you treat expectant parents well they will probably value you and want you there. If you behave like an arse every other day of the year and then expect visiting rights because after all, you are the grandparent - it's all crap.

My mother was absolutely appalling and abandoned me and my brother when we were very young. She will not be getting the same treatment as my father who actually brought us up. Horses for courses, innit.