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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

325 replies

pleasechange · 26/03/2008 15:45

Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
bozza · 26/03/2008 16:13

I think YABU. By all means limit their visit to just an hour or so but to say your Mum can come and stay and see the baby daily but your MIL cannot come at all is not on IMO.

When DS was born I was very excited to show him off to all and sundry. From my hospital bed, that is. He was born at lunchtime, and both sets of new grandparents, both my sisters, my BIL, my SIL and BIL all visited at evening visiting. Obviously these were short visits.

DD was born at home, and conveniently it was a Saturday morning. All of the above visited on the first day - plus my Grandad who was 92 at the time and so touched to be able to cuddle his GGD when she was a few hours old. It was a bit bizarre having all these people in my bedroom, I must admit.

mrschop · 26/03/2008 16:13

But if MIL only calls in for an hour, that limits the foot in mouth opportunities, esp as they tend to just hang over the crib/cuddle and coo at baby. Is different if they are hanging around for ages and getting a chance to observe (and comment on) your new parenting skills in great detail.

Think also of your DH - he too may feel emotional and tired, and seeing his parents for half an hour and showing off his new baby will help him, even if it's an inconvenience for you.

mrschop · 26/03/2008 16:13

But if MIL only calls in for an hour, that limits the foot in mouth opportunities, esp as they tend to just hang over the crib/cuddle and coo at baby. Is different if they are hanging around for ages and getting a chance to observe (and comment on) your new parenting skills in great detail.

Think also of your DH - he too may feel emotional and tired, and seeing his parents for half an hour and showing off his new baby will help him, even if it's an inconvenience for you.

posieflump · 26/03/2008 16:13

'ILs do not come to help (unlike mothers) '

this is just the sort of thing that worries me as a mother of a boy. That he will marry someone with that kind of ridiculous viewpoint!!

theBOD · 26/03/2008 16:13

depends on what your h thinks really.if he wants them there and you refuse i think it would be unreasonable and set quite a bad precedent if you were to say it is ok for your parents to come and see the baby immiediately but his family have to wait.as others have said they are the grandparent too. but if your husband is cool with it then it sounds pretty sensible so as not to get overwhelmed.

HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 16:13

If this was me I would invite all the grandparents to visit as soon as they wished to. I do think it's unfair if only one grandmother is 'allowed' a visit; It's better dealt with by being assertive with all visitors and telling them when they come, how long they should stay for and whether there's anything they could do to help.

Perfect job for the new dad I would say.

sophiewd · 26/03/2008 16:16

Poaie my IL's came and sat and expected to be waite don hand and foot, this time we are taking baby to see them and staying with BIL. You sound like you are going to be a great MIL and I wish they were all like you.

HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 16:16

I agree with posie.

As the mother of a boy, it's truly miserable to think that one day if I have a grandchild, I will be seen as the 'second' gradmother

maisemor · 26/03/2008 16:17

You might as well get used to having to be assertive when it comes to your child in all kinds of situations not just your own parents and in laws .

posieflump · 26/03/2008 16:17

I know some MILs can be a pain but not all of them and we certainly won't be will we?!! wink]

pleasechange · 26/03/2008 16:17

posieflump - I can see what you mean, and if I have a boy would obviously want to be involved. BUT - I think this comes hand in hand with having established a good relationship with the DIL beforehand. In that way, hopefully she would want you around, as opposed to seeing you as a pain!

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 26/03/2008 16:19

Both sets of grandparents should be equal, agree with not staying at your house but its not fair to let your mum to see the baby straight away but expect your DH's mum not to see the baby for a week.

booge · 26/03/2008 16:20

YABU and a bit mean too. Tell your dh to let the grandparents visit but not the uncles and aunts just yet.

maisemor · 26/03/2008 16:20

So if your mother saw your husband as a pain, then she would not be allowed to see the baby for a week either?

bozza · 26/03/2008 16:21

Well my MIL has always helped more than my mother.

pleasechange · 26/03/2008 16:22

Luckily my mum and DH have a great relationship - but my mum is very thoughtful and kind, so it's a 2 way thing.

OP posts:
mrschop · 26/03/2008 16:24

I think you'll always have a preference for your own mum (in most family circs, anyway) and I've found the closeness with your MIL comes after having children, rather than before: you share an interest in the children, and have someone who is as enthusiastic about their little ways as you are.

Before children, you and DH are a couple, quite self contained, therefore not so much scope for building a close relationship with your MIL. Slightly off the point of the thread, but do bear in mind that while you love and treasure your DH and will do your new baby, your MIL feels just the same towards DH and the baby but has to stifle it!

You could try to use your baby's arrival to form a new relationship with her. You may well be pleased to have her support in years to come, if she's geographically closer to you then your own mum.

maisemor · 26/03/2008 16:25

I can see that you don't get on with her, but whether you want to or not the baby is both your mother's and your husband's mother's grandchild.
I did not like my step mil either but I never paid much attention to her when she came to see the baby. I as her was wrapped up in looking at my gorgeous daughter.

bergentulip · 26/03/2008 16:26

I think it depends on the relationship you have with all the grandparents to be / various siblings etc.... It's a bit mean not to let anyone see a new addition into the family in the first week, I mean how often does one get to coo over a newborn baby, especially a granchild/niece/nephew?

If they are the type of people to roll up and expect to be treated as guests, then they should get themselves booked into a hotel and come around for coffee on a couple of days- at times you agree to on that same day, depending on how you are feeling etc....

If they are like my own parents, and parents-in-law, and will take over all the washing up, cooking, ironing, not be a nuisance and in fact be very helpful, then what's the problem? All you will have to do is sit back, be brought cups of tea, and be able to stare adoringly at your new baby- and hope the little cherub sleeps as much as possible!!!

Don't encourage visits by people who will just add to your stress and tiredness. For example, my sister came to stay 2 weeks after the birth of DS2. She did NOTHING to help, left cups, plates, stuff, all over the house, slept in til sometimes 11 in the morning, and drove my DH up the wall because of it. He just could not understand why someone would not be able to get up and offer to do something, when I/we were clearly exhausted and emotional.
Bizarre thing was, she got back to the UK, and when she saw my Dad she said "oh, poor her, she has got so much on her plate, however does she manage?" (!!!!!) So, she noticed,.... but still did not chip in?? Odd.

Sidge · 26/03/2008 16:28

I think you need to put your feelings for your MIL aside slightly and let her coo over the new baby when it arrives rather than rationing her access.

I'm not saying you should have them to stay (and if they only live an hour away there is no need for them to) but it's her grandchild too not just your mum's.

I imagine your DH will be itching to show off his baby too!

pleasechange · 26/03/2008 16:29

Thanks all - ok, have rethought and maybe this would be better - MIL can visit in hospital during visiting hours (depending on how long we're there obviously) and then one short visit in the first week (pre-arranged)

OP posts:
cornsilk · 26/03/2008 16:31

YABU - it is unfair to deny inlaws a chance to see your baby if your mother will be there as you go into labour! What's wrong with them popping in for a cup of tea for an hour? You may well be glad of your MIL in years to come to help you out if she lives nearer than your mum. It's not just about you - your dh has a right to share this experience with his parents also.

HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 16:32

also, see how you feel at the time rather than trying to bolt down all the arrangements now.

I was really delighted to see all my visitors after I had ds, regardless of any on-going relationship 'niggles' we may have had; everyone was enchanted to see ds, and very protective and loving to me, which was just lovely and magical

gingerninja · 26/03/2008 16:36

For me MrsChops it's the other way around, my relationship with MIL has suffered terribly because of the very first visit when all she wanted to do was hold my DD and expect us to look after her. She didn't lift a finger, left dirty dishes on the table and made remarks about not being allowed to feed my baby (I was bf'ing) she would pick DD up when she start crying (wanting a feed) and would walk away with her. I am still finding it very very hard to forgive her for that even now because she would not hand her back without a struggle. It's not all MIL's it's the individual relationship. I'd be happy to tell my mum her time was up but could never do that to MIL and DH would avoid any confrontation with his parents so wouldn't either hence their outstaying their welcome.

jesuswhatnext · 26/03/2008 16:36

wait and see if you feel like you've had a red poker up your fanjo and can't walk - you may find your mil has been there and done that and is VERY sympathetic and everybit as helpful as yuor mum!