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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

325 replies

pleasechange · 26/03/2008 15:45

Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasechange · 26/03/2008 16:39

gingerninja - sympathise with your experience! I agreed with you on the point that for your own mum, you can say what you think but for the MIL you can't say it yourself and my DH never likes to offend anybody and would let people do whatever they wanted rather than say something

OP posts:
mrschop · 26/03/2008 16:43

Sorry to hear that ginger - my IL's were a bit of a pain when DS first arrived, but MIL has since redeemed herself by being ever ready for babysitting duty! I think the first few weeks are fraught for everyone at times, but as time has gone on and everyone has settled down, things are much, much better. Also, after the first few months MIL realised that she was not going to be excluded, in any way, from involvement with her GC's, so calmed down a lot after that. I think a lot of the mad behaviour comes from MIL's forcing their way in to the new family rather than sitting back and waiting to see how things settle down.

HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 16:47

allnew, I think it's one of the things that a new dad CAN do,- often, they can't do much because the baby is feeding all the time and with mum, but they CAN be the protective dad and partner; tell him that he's the gatekeeper and he needs to be assertive with people when they visit.

IME people were really great about not staying too long when DH greeted them with "thanks for coming, she's very tired so can you make it a five minute visit?", they all took note!

Good luck btw hope all goes well!

VictorianSqualor · 26/03/2008 16:52

It might be just what the doctor ordered tbh MiL coming over, especially if you're dying for a bath or something, meet them at the door with a big grin and a 'Oh thank goodness you're here, I'm desperate to have a bath but didn't want to do it when it was just DH and I incase I needed his help and we had no-one to watch the baby'.

Seriously though, this is the one time you'll be able to say anything to your MiL and won't care, it could be a Good Thing for your relationship.

gingerninja · 26/03/2008 16:54

I'm not even the sort of person to bare a grudge but for some reason I can not see past this hence why I advise allnew to not do anything to potentially damage the relationship because it's much harder to rebuild.

I hadn't noticed that you had invited your mum down though and as much as it would pain me to have to do it, I think for fairness you do need to have PIL over during the first week but only for the odd hour or two. (Mine are the reverse and live over 500 miles away so when they stay, they stay!)

doublethetrouble · 26/03/2008 17:04

It is hard saying no to having visitors when a new baby is born. I found myself making soup for partners granny less than 24 hours after giving birth!.

My friend booked a week away in a lodge when she had her second child. It provided a great excuse to just concentrate on feeding newborn and nothing else. I would love to do this if I had another baby and finances allowed it.

To save hurt feeling is there any chance you could have your mum up without his mum knowing?

doublethetrouble · 26/03/2008 17:06

by the way if you did decide to go away you can arrange to get visits from local midwife in whatever area your in.

mellyonion · 26/03/2008 17:11

hi allnew.
i think the very best thing is to wait and see, like many pp have said.....you can so easily get your knickers in a twist about it now, where as, when the time comes, you have no idea about how you will feel......you may feel like a bag o shite or be on top of the world.....you may want to be alone, or you may feel like being adored by masses!

the great thing about hospitals is the usually strict visiting times...invite both grandmas to visit you there, soon as poss....and then just see how it goes......

my friends on the birth of their first baby ordered no visitors apart from immediate family for the first 10 days or so, then went visiting to peoples houses when they were ready....saves on waiting on people, having guests that won't leave, and also, if you get tired, you can just go home.....

sort of on a tangent....all of my mums friends have sons (i'm the only girl) and they all have dils......they are all so terrified of stepping on dils toes that they all have been misinterpreted at some point as being disinterested, or interfering, do too much, or not enough.......they feel they can't win.......

try to use this as a new starting point with your mil....ask her to help out...pick up some milk on the way over, or tell her you've been dying for a nice roast...could she get you a ready meal from the shop before she comes (hint hint) she may be thrilled to be doing something useful....and at your request!

good luck with your impending arrival.....

catzy · 26/03/2008 19:48

If this is your first. You may well look at your MIL differently. For the first time you will realise how much your MIL loves your DH. How ever much a pain she is, she is going to be Grandmother to your baby.

Hope it goes well.

alicet · 26/03/2008 20:01

Only read op and first few posts...

As they live only an hour away I think you are unreasonable to stipulate this when you are happy for your mum to visit.

I think you owuld be very sensible to limit it thought. Maybe say she and FIL can visit you in hospital once (sessions usually limited to an hour so you wouldn't have to worry about tact) but then not until you and dh invite them about a week after the birth. Tell all the other in laws no visitors until about a week after.

Just think it's very unfair to treat both sets of gps differently unless you have a very good reason to do so or your dh also agrees - this would make it different as they are his paretns

alicet · 26/03/2008 20:04

Can also understand why you would want to do this by the way but just think it is too much of a minefield and later on when you are looking for baby sitters a MIL on your side who lives only an hour away could be a godsend!!!

Good luck x

cupsoftea · 26/03/2008 20:04

Ask your dh to sort out his family. See how you feel after the birth - you might be up for visits or you may need to recover.

lalatele · 26/03/2008 20:19

just think if mil wants to attend the birth with you which is what mil did to me!!!

Spoo · 26/03/2008 20:21

I think it is very hard at first when the baby has just arrived and you are trying to forge bonds. My MIL and mum were both keen on seeing my DS1 straight away and came up whilst I was on hospital and they both left before I came home. I think that would be best for you - because they will get those first few photos to show their friends and you are not 'hosting'. I think if your MIL is a blunt sort of person it is probably okay to be more blunt with her.

This baby is going to very loved and you might put aside your views once you see how much your MIL loves your baby. I suspect that you are also worried about her interferring once the baby is older. I found it hard to accept this but I am now enjoying seeing my DSs enjoying a unique relationship with their MIL completely independent of me. She does her own thing and some things I do not agree with but she has produced my DH so she can't have done such a bad job.

latchmeregirl · 26/03/2008 21:00

I think you are being slightly unreasonable, though I definitely would stick to your guns if you don't want them to stay - very different from them popping in for a visit for an hour or so. I imagine my MIL would have been hurt beyond my imagination if she felt she'd been barred from coming to see her grandchildren, though she is in fact moderately helpful in these situations.

I do remember being unbelievably put out when my in laws showed up in hospital the day after dd was born - I was in bed recovering from a c-section, feeling knackered and grumpy, wrestling with breastfeeding, and in they walked with my sister in law (unannounced) and, worse, their 28 year old nephew who "happened to be in London and was keen to see the baby". . That, in my opinion, was unacceptable.

KKx · 26/03/2008 21:16

In laws will be desperate to visit. Just give them a date and tell them just for an hour cause your still v.tired. They should understand that and if not tough for them

ninja · 26/03/2008 21:29

Make sure that when they visit they're under strict instructions to bring any food they wish to consume (is she a good cook?) and to bring you a pressy.

You may well feel up to a short visit - I had a friend to stay 4 days after dd was born and dh went out to a competition for a day, for me that was fine but everyone's different.

Hospital visit is a good idea though as that's definitely restricted timewise

scottishmummy · 26/03/2008 21:33

congratulations on your pg.do whatever suits you and dh.post birth is demanding,politely negotiate times that suit you

accept any kind offers gratefully too

ernest · 26/03/2008 21:35

why can't mil come round more than say 1 visit int he week? You don't have to personally supervise evry moment. you could feed the baby then mil & dh could take lo out for walk and give you a bit of rest and quiet. It won't do any harm to comae across as being gernerous. I f you tell her she can't come, or even tell her she can come say just 1 time at home I thin it would be a bit mean. She should be cionsidered on the same grand parental level as your own mum.

vixnpips · 26/03/2008 21:45

My XILs were a real pain.. and I ended up entertaining them and making coffee and lunch for them, whilst XFIL stared at me breast feeding when Ds wouldn't latch on, the day after I gave birth!

Get DH to suggest they stay near and "pop" in, as you'd love to show baby off.. but might be very tired etc.
Then just see how you feel and how it goes, if all is well then you can suggest they stay longer... if not your not stuck with "guest" in your new baby time

Elkat · 27/03/2008 00:21

I understand that MIls are the child's grandparents just the same, but this does not mean that they act the same... and therefore, should be treated the same!

If both parents come round and help, then fine treat them the same, but I thought the OP implied that the mum was coming round to help, whereas the Mil was coming round to look at the baby.

When I had DD1, my mother came round and cooked and cleaned and barely spent 5 mins with the baby - she was a real tower of strength. Whereas, my MIL offered to look after the baby so I could get on with the cleaning! As I said in my first post - after DD2s birth, my mother cleaned my house from top to bottom, and really helped... my MIL had me making her cups of tea less than 1 hour after I came out of hospital and less than 3 hours after I came off the morphine.

If one mum is coming round to help, then that is a totally different situation from the mum who expects you to wait on her! And in such a scenario, I don't think the MIL can expect to be treated equally, if she does not act equally.

ara · 27/03/2008 00:51

we had this debate when dd was born - we agreed beforehand that we would probably want it to be just the three of us till she was about a week old.

when the time came, though, i desperately wanted to see everyone the next day so they could share it with us and with dd- i just felt it was very important for her relationship with her family iyswim.

i think it's important to wait and see how you and your dh feel, and that your family and in-laws respond appropriately to that.

mumofk · 27/03/2008 08:45

Good luck with whatever you decide.
My ILs were fine with new baby- my parents came briefly the day DD was born,ILs visited the next afternoon so all met DD when new and in hospital, then the following week my parents brought tea over the day I came out of hospital (and took the washing up away too!) which wasn't too bad- my mum was very excited and a bit hard work. ILs great, later in the week, but brought food, FIL sorting out drinks for everyone. They all behaved quite differently to before baby, and I couldn't have predicted how it would pan out.
If I was in your shoes I'd probably agree to you mum staying near, but saying to all family you don't quite now how the first few weeks will be but when you're ready/up to visitors at home you will let them know straight away. then you can set ground rules when you know what they will be. You can cite this list for how everyone feels differently in the first weeks!!
Hope you don't get too stressed by this.

Theochris · 27/03/2008 09:10

YABU

Don't lay the law down now, see how you feel. It would be nice to have short visits, they don't have to stay over, just pop in. Try to be kind, it is their grandchild too and you can't do over if you exclude them at the beginning. A week is a long time to wait to see a grandchild.

As others have said you may find you have much more common ground when you have a child, give them a chance. They are damned if they do but if they were giving you plenty of space you might be complaining that they are not interested.

My inlaws are nice, but they didn't lift a finger when they came over the day after our lo was born. In fact we cooked them a meal. The difference is me and my DP laugh about it. They are still good people who love our child, often people aren't sure how to behave. Let your DH take the lead with them.

ipanemagirl · 27/03/2008 09:29

No YANBU, I felt very much like hunkering down in private for the first few days particularly as I wanted to establish breastfeeding and found it incredibly difficult at first when people kept coming to the hospital! I was really annoyed with dh for letting people come.
Also on the day ds was born my inlaws drove 100 miles that day without asking or warning and tipped up at the hospital! It was the first grandchild and I adore them both, but, I still felt unconsulted!
I think 5 - 7 days would have been right for me. Everyone is different and from what I gather, the first is different to subsequent babies.
I'm expecting now and am going to try to be fierce about who comes when but it's easier said then done, people are so easily offended.
I love the people who stay away and ask you to tell them when you want visitors.