Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

325 replies

pleasechange · 26/03/2008 15:45

Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:13

Absolutely AbbeYA (anyone else reflecting on their MIL currently and making a pledge to be more accomodating?)

icklelou · 27/03/2008 22:14

Why would a new mum be so anti having her in laws visit? I just don't see what is so bad about visitors in the early days, as long as you make it clear that visits are brief, and you are certainly not going to run around after anyone. If they have a issue with you not being the greatest hostess in the world that's their problem.

And having different rules for different grandparents is unfair.

And what does her dh think about this potential arrangement?

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:18

I think the food for though allnew is, put yourself in your MIL's shoes for a moment...and then make a decision

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 22:19

Well, as a potential future DIL, I wouldn't mind if I were the last to meet the new GC. I just don't think it matters that much because I'd meet them anyway. I just would want to give the new parents space to invite me when they were ready. It's just not a big deal to be right there, among the first. What matters is supporting the parents.

Nobody's said anything about the OP never ever letting the in laws see the baby, have they?

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:19

food for 'thought' ooops!

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 22:19

As a future MIL, I meant!

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:20

Winky - you are waaaay more mellow than most. Are you a buddhist?

TheOriginalXENA · 27/03/2008 22:20

My brothers wife is like this with my parents (they try v hard not to do anything to upset/ offend). I reminded my Dad (who tried to so hard to fight back tears, when being told he couldn't see new baby for x amt of time) that it didn't matter in the long run.. We saw far less of my paternal grandparents, but the love and respect I had for them was vastly more than the maternal grandparents who lived in the same town!

FWIW my mil was difficult in the early days (our DS1 was her first grandchild) but 10 years on we have a great relationship. It took work though.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:21
Sad
AbbeyA · 27/03/2008 22:21

I think it is a big deal. I don't think that the OH comes into it much as it seems to be the DIL's who make the decisions.

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 22:22

Nope, not a Buddhist.

I just know how it feels when everyone else makes sure their own preferences are met first, trampling over yours when you're hormonal, emotional, fragile and just want to be left alone. For a little while - a few days.

suedonim · 27/03/2008 22:22

Wrt to IL's, I think you have to separate your relationship with them from the relationship your children have with their grandparents. I went through a bad patch with my IL's but would never, ever have dreamed of stopping them seeing or having a relationship with their grandchildren. I'm also a MIL, twice over, so see the other side, too.

MirandaG · 27/03/2008 22:22

I have two girls so won't have the MIL situation, but if my girls needed some time/space before I see their new arrivals I would respect that, knowing what it is like to be a postpartum mum. Maybe the fairest thing is to have a 'babymoon' where no-one vists, even your own mum, until you are ready - and you won't know when this is until after the baby is born. The other thing to bear in mind is that, no matter how well your dh and mum get on now, there is a danger of him getting pushed out unintentionally if your mum is there. It's a difficult time for dads - new mums are very absorbed in their baby and if you have another woman involved, your husband could end up with no role, or a more limited role. Hopefully he is taking some paternity leave - maybe wait til he goes back to work before your mum comes to stay, because that is probably when you will need her most.

ernest · 27/03/2008 22:22

but she doesn't even have to see the visitors. They may well like to see her, but let's face it, the main reason for the visit is to see the baby. The mum could just say a polite 'hello' and disappear off to bed. If the mum wants to show off her new baby, possibly after a week or 2 rest, why's it so difficult to accept the dad might also want to show off his new baby, and without the week or 2 rest, after all, he hasn't had the physical exertion, plus probably needs to return to work.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:25

I have a strategy - when my son is a young adolescent and still full of love and affection for me , yet malleable and easily influenced, I will begin a speech:

When you are older dear heart, you will meet a woman (well, hopefully!) and fall in love. Tis all good. You will pledge your heart and soul to this woman and that is how it should be...but don't forget maman or you will be disinherited. Amen

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 22:26

But we're talking about waiting a few days..not about the entire GP-GC relationship!

It might work wonders for DIL-PIL relations if they hold off visiting. The new mum might start to think they're v. kind and respectful of her. I'm sorry but it is the new mum who is the vulnerable one here.

AbbeyA · 27/03/2008 22:26

However fragile the mum feels she could be generous enough to let the grandparents see the baby-not to stay- but to pop in for half an hour is not asking much. All new Mums are hormonal and fragile-they can still consider other people's feelings.

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 22:28

Why should they? People should be caring for them. They've been through labour and birth!

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:31

And PIL's should be given that opportunity to be nurturing too....shouldn't they?

AbbeyA · 27/03/2008 22:31

I went through labour and birth and wouldn't have shut myself away with the baby and refused to let people see him. I wanted to show him off to everyone-it is a joyful time.I can't remember anyone outstaying their welcome.

handlemecarefully · 27/03/2008 22:32

I was happy to have visitors too - as long as they made themselves useful

agnesnitt · 27/03/2008 22:36

No Abbey, the mother has been through major trauma, she needs to adjust. If to do that she needs and welcomes support, excellent and all to the good. If not, leave her alone to get the hang of it. A grandparent will not miss out for the sake of seven days, but those seven days can be invaluable to a new mum and her baby.

Contrary to popular belief, babies need their parents, not their grandparents. Bonding at that age just doesn't happen with anyone other than very close family (parents, possibly siblings) unless the grandparent is a carer for a significant chunk of time.

Sheesh.

Agnes

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 22:36

PILs and GPs have plenty of time to do their nuturing. New mums only have the one opportunity to recover and brace themselves for the visitors.

Ah well, perhaps we've all had different experiences of visitors. I personally was descended upon by lots of folk who didn't seem to get the message and, how shall we say, overstayed their welcome.

I'm fiercely protective of new mums and what they might want because it's they who have done all the work. And it's their turn to be taken care of because we all know that doesn't last! Their birth choices should include what visitors they have in the first week IMO.

Nobody will melt if they don't see the baby for seven days.

Ineedacleaner · 27/03/2008 22:36

It is no secret to anybody that I don't care much for either of my IL's don't hate them but no-where near my fave people.

When I had dd (my first) I would have loved to not have MIL visit but I wouldn't have done that and I wouldn't have considered putting DH in that position.

My parens lived further away at the time and we had called my mum and MIL in the small hours when I was in labour and my parents decided to skip work and come up the road. MIL arrived before visiting time but dh headed her off for a while as I wasn't ready to see poeple but she did arrive at visiting.

DH was just as desperately proud of his new baby as I was and obviously wanted to share it with his family and I wouldn't have done other wise. DH is not great at getting through to his mother when she is being a PITA but see when I had kids I got good at it fast and I had no qualms about telling her I needed to go lie down/feed whatever.

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2008 22:37

And if they do melt, then they need to grow up a bit and learn to put other people before themselves just for once.

Swipe left for the next trending thread