They're better off dead... AIBU?

[CupcakeOdssey]

Not sure if I'm being funny here or what.

How you feel if this was said to you?

One of my close family members has cancer that has spread all over, they are on palliative care and taken it badly.
They had a heart attack and was resuscitated by hospital but now they've said they've signed a DNR as they're to weak to cope with that again.

I was telling one of my in laws about said family member and they said "why did they resuscitate them for? That was stupid they are better off dead!"

How would you take that? I'm quite shocked and a bit hurt by their comment.

It's a comment I'd think but never articulate

Well it's a blunt way to put it but it's also the point of a DNR so it seems that's how your family member feels..?

A bit blunt but true - in my opinion.

It is an extremely insensitive and harsh thing to say to someone and very badly worded. However, resuscitation is not what I would wish for my loved one in that situation.

I think it was not said in the best manner at all but I assume they were meaning that their life is coming to an end and maybe it would have been kinder to allow them to slip away with no more potentially painful intervention.

It's an insensitive comment... Albeit probably correct.
Horrible for someone to go through, I hope they get a peaceful end.

Sounds like it was said in a bit of a tactless way. But it's exactly what I would think (wouldn't say).

It was an insensitive and tactless thing to say, a foot in mouth moment. That said, I can see why they'd be thinking it and your relative clearly does too, it seems cruel to prolong a person's suffering.

I think they probably worded it very insensitively and it's not something I would ever say. But would probably think. CPR is absolutely brutal and not something I'd be want to put myself/a loved one through if their prognosis wasn't good anyway

Family member wants as much time as they can get before passing away, so maybe I'm feeling a bit sensitive.
Doesn't help that this in law has form for being quite insensitive.

That's a horrible thing to say. Even if you thought it, you wouldn't ever say it aloud unless you were very bolshy and insensitive.

I suppose someone might say it to their sibling if it was their parent with cancer. Then I could maybe understand the lack of filter.

Insensitive .

But having watched my mum die of cancer it is cruel to prolong the inevitable agony.

Sending you love because it's an awful time.

It's not for anyone but the patient and their medical team to decide, fortunately.
It does seem they are now in agreement with the in-law.

A others have said - it was bluntly and insensitively worded but ultimately true. Sorry to hear about your family member. It must be awful for them to be going through and very difficult for you to witness.

The only time it happened to a family member of mine they did have a DNR order in place chosen by the family member themselves.

Can't speak for your family member but I know I'd never want to live my last weeks/months/ living like this.

Family member wants as much time as they can get before passing away.

Do they understand that what they have asked for when signing a DNR is exactly what your in-law suggested would have been kinder?

I’m surprised that resuscitation was attempted under the circumstances you describe.

Thank you, all family member wants to do is get home and pass away in their home. Hostipal forced the DNR saying if they did they would end up in a coma and wouldn't wake up, family member wasn't expecting it and has taken it badly.

I guess just typical lack of thought comment then. They had nothing else to say not even a "sorry to hear that" so I guess it got to me!

Thanks for the love, it's a hard time I think I'm just a bit overwhelmed and sensitive right now very close to my family member.

Presumably your family member no longer thinks that though if they've signed a DNR.

Sorry you're going through this

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time already and now an insensitive in law has made things worse for you with this comment.

Try to look after yourself, and let your loved family member know how much you love them and value them.

They expressed their views insensitively and unkindly. It sounds extremely flippant and dismissive. Whatever the ‘good’ rationale for a DNR, your in law had no right talking so tactlessly to you. Could your husband raise it with them?

Well if said family member has now signed a DNR they presumably feel the same.

Not a nice way of putting it but it depends very much on quality of life. If I was riddled with cancer with no hope of recovery and in pain and feeling awful I would rather die too I think rather than put my loved ones through a prolonged death gradually getting weaker and weaker.

I don't think I would voice that to a close relative though. It has to be down to the person who is ill to decide.

If the member who made the comment has been through palliative care / end of life with a loved one before, I understand their comment.

However, they should have been more careful as to who heard.

It definitely comes across insensitive.

It does sound like the relative saying it is simply angry and hurt inside at the situation and the unfairness of it all. Also the fact that people are so often suffering absolutely horrifically and forced to stay alive and suffer til the bitter end without any choice in our society. The comment they made is the sort of thing I would myself think in this situation.

I hope to god the relative didn't hear that