They're better off dead... AIBU?

[CupcakeOdssey]

Not sure if I'm being funny here or what.

How you feel if this was said to you?

One of my close family members has cancer that has spread all over, they are on palliative care and taken it badly.
They had a heart attack and was resuscitated by hospital but now they've said they've signed a DNR as they're to weak to cope with that again.

I was telling one of my in laws about said family member and they said "why did they resuscitate them for? That was stupid they are better off dead!"

How would you take that? I'm quite shocked and a bit hurt by their comment.

I don’t find it shocking either. I don’t get why it’s insensitive? From experience I think there’s too much trying to be sensitive and not facing the cold hard reality of terminal illnesses and not enough realistic conversations of why a dnr might be best. If someone is palliative and terminal why would you bring them back by resuscitating them so they can just prolong suffering? Let them go if they’ve took a heart attack, just let them go.

Get off the internet and care for your family and friends.

Cancer is fucking grim once it's spread. I've read an account from someone whose breast cancer had spread to her bones, and her femur snapped from her trying to stand up.

I'm in remission, but if it comes back Stage 4, I'll be getting a DNR straight off.

I remember someone saying about their elderly family member, why doesn't she do the decent thing and just die. That was callous.

I’m sorry OP. Maybe they’re not good at reading people and when you mentioned the DNR they thought what they said aligned with what the patient wanted and so didn’t read it as sensitive.

Unless you have been in a similar situation you have no idea what it's like watching someone die, we had to decide whether or ot to switch the machines off.

It's not all cracked up to be.

The family member in question is my grandad, he's in his 80s and has lived in his home over 60 years. He just wants to die in his own home with his wife & family around him not in a hostipal or hospice.
It's all very complex. I understand it's easier to just slip away but I do feel like his wishes should be respected.
My in law was my mother in law who is quite brutal anyway, we aren't close at all so maybe that's why I've taken the comment so badly. But I've read through the comments and taken it on board maybe she's just speaking her thoughts out loud.

It's a tough one.

That is something you think not say out loud. That was terribly insensitive to say and in such a harsh manner true or not.

How sad for all of you. Sorry for your loss.

I cannot recommend too highly Hospice in the Home

Same goes for you, obviously.🙄

If family member wants to leave hospital then you can ask for support in that. My mum came home for 6 days before going into Rowans hospice and died there 6 days later.

Rowans were marvellous. And if family member can't get home (it can take some time to get the bed and oxygen if needed) I'd look at going straight to a hospice as an alternative.

Sorry if that sounds so practical and blunt but I'd start contacting people asap as it's really quite a painful process

It's incredibly insensitive. You're already pregrieving and I hope your grandad gets his wishes to be at home.

I was alone with my dad when the dr asked about resuscitation when he had sepsis and I wouldn't wish that question on anyone. I am surprised it hadn't previously been asked but it's still brutal.

@CupcakeOdssey

Im sorry to hear about your Grandad xx

its one to think something, it's another to master the understanding that you don't have to say out loud everything that crosses your mind!!

it was unnecessary, & unkind to say it to you.

My Mum had an operation last week. She lives overseas & I couldn't be there (short notice) & while chatting on the phone the day before she dropped into the conversation that she'd signed a DNR. I was taken by surprise, so I didn't know what to say.

of course on one hand I wanted to say NNNOOOOO, but on thinking about it, it's the best decision for her. I'll take the pain over her taking more pain, I guess is the best way to look at it.

its brutal on elderly people and can be almost impossible to recover from.

💔

My FiL is in a care home and is about to turn 100 very soon. Its costing 60.000 a year, money he was hoping to leave to his children, but now it's all been eaten up in care fees.
He's almost blind, deaf and is wheelchair bound.
He has often said he wishes he could go to sleep and never wake up.

Not everyone is blessed with tact
That doesn't make them a bad person.

My sister works in a nursing home and while she is caring and empathetic to the residents she would say that in every case, without exception, they would be better off dead.
It's a phrase we have used many times in conversations with our aged parents who have DNR's and Living Wills in place.
People are so scared of talking about death when it's about the only thing about life that's guaranteed.

@itsgettingweird

couldn't agree more. My uncle wanted to go home to die, He got home & even with my parents staying to help my Aunt, my Uncle was finding it very difficult & things like being helped (carried) to the toilet were both physically & mentally too much. His skin was very thin & it hurt being lifted etc.

he then moved to a hospices with better pain relief & toileting facilities. It was much better for him.

Resuscitation often doesn’t work and even when it does, the patient can end up in significantly worse condition than before

I often wish this was made more clear, especially in the very frail or terminally ill

For my taste there are far too many medical dramas where after a few compressions someone cries "stand back - shock" and lo, the patient's quickly sitting up in bed and chatting. No mention of cracked ribs or other trauma, just the suggestion tthey'll soon be up and dancing

Not good enough

It was insensitive
But they signed a DNR so agree presumably

Agree.

Bless you OP it's a horrible time. Ignore the insensitive comments and look after yourself x x

😔

Not nice and very badly worded, but I must admit, I can understand it. My late DW in the final few weeks of her life due to secondary cancer and during the height of covid, was just horrendous and harrowing for her and we had all those restrictions, it was almost cruel. I would not wish that period on my worst enemy.

Edit, pressed send too soon, but we had so many conversations leading up, knowing the inevitable and she didn't want the pain and to see our DC go through that trauma as much as it was. I think unless you've either been in that position, it's difficult to judge.

But it's so hard and you've have my utter sympathy and thoughts with you all going through this, it's so, so hard.