To have still gone out yesterday?

[KettleOFish]

I had a mother's day meal planned yesterday with my mum and my child.

DH was never going to come, but he didn't seen to mind, probably just happy to get some time to himself.

Until DSC ended up being with us yesterday. Their mum ended up doing some over time on Sunday so they came Sat night (didn't find out until Saturday) and stayed all day yesterday. Which is fine.

However, DH then expected me to want to spend the day with all the kids instead and was pissed off that I still went out with my mum and child and left them at home. I also went back to my mums after the meal for a while instead of going home (probably petty but it annoyed me that he expected me to change my plans).

He thinks I've been unreasonable not to do something that involved all DC on mothers day. I disagree as I already had plans and I just wanted to spend the day with my mum and my own child.

If I was single I would never accept a man into my life that didn’t fully accept my DD & treat them in exactly the same way as any other children in our home

I find it telling how the “what I would want for my own DC” analogy is always like the one above, as opposed to “I would want my ex to find a new partner who would love my child and make decisions about their care to the extent that my child loves her like she has a second mum.” Because the reality is, not many mothers would actually want that hence the age old issue that SMs face of treat them like your own…but only when the parents deem it convenient to them.

I think your first duty on Mother’s Day is to your mother. Which you did. There were other hours in the day when your child/ step child can pay homage to you.

@EmeraldA129 there are different types of step family though. In a home where the step children live full time with the step parent, and there's no other mum/dad in the scene, I'd agree that the step parent is more like an actual parent and should behave as such.

But this isn't the OPs set up - her dc have a mum and presumably grandparents. The OP and her mum are not these things to the children. Ultimately their own mum elected to be elsewhere on Mother's Day and it's not really fair to the OP for her to sacrifice her own plans because of it.

The kids were with their dad, not abandoned on the side of a road - there's absolutely no reason why he couldn't look after them and give them a nice day. Their main relationship is with him, not OP or her mum. If I was the child in this situation, I'd much rather do something nice with my dad than go to lunch with my step mum and her mum.

But the dad suggested everyone (including him) go for lunch & the op didn’t even call to check if they could increase their table size to accommodate everyone.

I guess I’m just an ‘everyone in’ kind of person, not everyone is, but i just find that sad.

I understand the op being annoyed at her DH’s ex if they are consistently unreliable, thats not fair on the DSC, but the op then chose not to even try to make a minor adjustment to her day & actually said she stayed out later than she planned to because she was annoyed at her husband for making the suggestion that everyone go.

I also don't think there 2 different types of step parent - some will have more responsibilities in terms of time than others, but they shouldn't be any less considerate or caring regardless of how much time the DSC spends with them.

I would absolutely want my ex to have a loving home that my child had two people caring for her in when she wasn’t with me.

your child cannot have too many people giving them love, time, care & attention.

I’ve been the step parent (it broke me into pieces that I wasn’t able to be part of DSD’s lives any more). I know their mother appreciated me & knew her children were well cared for & always included when they were with me. Why wouldn’t you want that as a mother?

Having the dh and step children join them for lunch does change the dynamic of the day for OP and her mum. It's okay not to centre the children at absolutely everything and to sometimes prioritise the adults in a family.
Theres no indication that OP isn't a caring step parent, but this is about a man not wanting to look after his own children and preferring instead to gate crash his wife's plans. Thats not something we should all roll over and accept from fathers, whether married to their dc's mother or to another woman.

I don’t think you were unreasonable no.
You can’t be expected to change your plans based on what his ex decides. He had no intention of spending Mother’s Day with you so shouldn’t expect you to
suddenly want to stay home and look after his DC because his plans have changed!
They’re not your children and don’t live with you full time so no, you keep your plans as arranged.

Exactly this.
he changed his plans, doesn’t mean OP should change hers!
Think he’s unreasonable to expect her to revolve around him and his DC! He could have said to his ex ‘sorry OP has plans Wednesday so we can’t have the DC on our weekend off! Or he could’ve just stepped up as a father and excepted he would be solo parenting them on Mothering Sunday…. Or heaven forbid he could’ve planned something for them all to do when OP and DC got home… he could’ve baked a cake with his DC for example as a Mother’s Day gift for OP… but alas I bet he did F all and then instead just gas lit her by saying her plans should’ve been cancelled and SHE should’ve done something with HIS DC…

He should’ve just requested that she come home after the meal as he was planning something nice for everyone to do together.. but instead his moods made OP dread going home so she stayed out longer… as would I rather than go home to a nag!

Sorry SUNDAY! (No idea why I put Wednesday!!)

Yanbu at all! You had a day planned. There wasn’t some emergency situation where you needed to change plans, so.. what’s the issue. Why did dh change his mind and now want to come to lunch just because his dc were there? If he had been due to come and then you didn’t want him to with kids, that would be different. But he wasn’t coming! Your day and plans had nothing to do with him. So this addition of sdc didn’t change anything! He should have used it to have a lovely day with them and stop being such an arse on Mother’s Day! If he can’t grasp why you didn’t want to change plans when you were looking forward to a day with your mum he’s being an idiot!

I have been a step-mum in a blended family.

Plenty of mothers (and fathers) feel threatened by their child loving a step parent and actively discourage it, while simultaneously expecting said step parent to take on responsibilities that suit the parents such as babysitting, financial expenditure etc.

I’m not saying situations where a non-resident step parent loves a step child as their own don’t or can’t exist. But (assuming it’s something the step parent would want) it’s entirely reliant on how the two parents involved conduct their co-parenting relationship. Looking at OP’s situation as an isolated event, as some posters are doing, is misguided because the wider family dynamic will have led to how she has handled this situation. Basically, OP is being asked by her DH to give up her planned Mother's Day of enjoying it with her own mother and child and turn it into a family outing. If her blended family dynamics are such that she’s been encouraged/allowed to genuinely treat her DSC as her own including discipline, going to parents evenings, decision making etc then maybe she’d view DSC as hers and therefore have been happy to change her plans and this thread wouldn’t have existed.

However if she’s not been encouraged (or not wanted to) be an equal parent to the DSC then she’s not going to feel inclined to sacrifice her own ideal Mother’s Day for children who, whilst she is kind to and cares about them, are not hers and will significantly change the dynamic of her day. They have a perfectly good parent available to take them out and gear a day’s activities around them and it’s simply not necessary that she drag them along to see her mum at some crap restaurant (and it will be crap if they can rustle up a table for 6 on Mother’s Day) just to tick the “not an evil step mother” box when they could be out having fun with their dad.

Are you OK? Their own mother went to work. And we aren't talking about mums, we are talking about step children. What kind of a person are you to feel so outraged by my comment about including kids.

Leave it to a sulky man to ruin a woman's special day.

The scenario you mention isn't what the op said. We are talking about an event you can take the step child to. Of course in your scenario you won't be at ease to accommodate.

We aren’t talking about an event they can take sdc to. They would have had to make another booking somewhere else to fit sdc in. How is that different from booking a different show instead to get enough tickets for sdc?

I don’t think the fact they’re step children is relevant. I have 3 children. If I had plans with only one of them because the other two weren’t with me, then suddenly the other two were with me, I wouldn’t cancel my plans with the other child to rearrange something as a family. I’d let my husband, their dad, spend time with them whilst I spent time with the child I originally had plans with.

It sounds like what he was really annoyed about was having to parent his own children…