To have still gone out yesterday?

[KettleOFish]

I had a mother's day meal planned yesterday with my mum and my child.

DH was never going to come, but he didn't seen to mind, probably just happy to get some time to himself.

Until DSC ended up being with us yesterday. Their mum ended up doing some over time on Sunday so they came Sat night (didn't find out until Saturday) and stayed all day yesterday. Which is fine.

However, DH then expected me to want to spend the day with all the kids instead and was pissed off that I still went out with my mum and child and left them at home. I also went back to my mums after the meal for a while instead of going home (probably petty but it annoyed me that he expected me to change my plans).

He thinks I've been unreasonable not to do something that involved all DC on mothers day. I disagree as I already had plans and I just wanted to spend the day with my mum and my own child.

These were my thoughts.

It's a hard one with blended families.

No. It means dh has to change his plans. Not you. If your dh thinks you do too, that's on him.

Yeah I thought that. Why didn't he enjoy the quality time with his own child?

I dunno I would always put a kids feelings over a meal out, I can always rebook the meal to another day. You don't know if the kid will dwell on it and ruin your relationship with them.

The OP hasn’t blamed the mum for working but this is in actual effect the mum’s issue. It’s her time with dc, and she chose to work. We don’t know why she chose to work overtime on Mother’s Day, maybe money is tight, maybe she has a demanding employer, maybe she did a colleague a favour but this was her time with dc and whilst it’s great that OP’s DH accommodated the change in plans and had his dc last minute, him trying to co-opt OP into caring for his dc is unacceptable.

So you would have OP disappoint her own child and mother? That’s pretty mean.

This does seem to be the case doesn't it!

There was nothing said about DSC’s feelings but their father could have said yes to having his child for the day but for the child and their mum to understand OP and her child wouldn’t be there. OP is entitled to carry on with an arrangement previously made and arranging the lunch for another day is missing the whole point of mother’s day. She is also entitled to go back to her mum’s house afterwards too.

1. It's MOTHER's Day, not Children or Step Children's Day.
2. OP had plans with HER mother and child/mother's grandchild that her DH unfairly expected her to cancel at short notice. It's nearly impossible to get a table for Mother's Day at the last minute. I tried and failed yesterday, in 4 different towns in a 15 mile radius.
3. If anyone is responsible for the child's hurt feelings it's their OWN mother. She's the one who prioritsed overtime over her child on Mother's Day and imposed on OP when she already had plans.
4. "D"H couldn't be arsed to do anything nice for Mother's Day until his other child gor dumped on them. He had no intention of going out for a meal with his wife, other child and m-i-l. Then all of a sudden he wanted existing plans cancelled and new plans made to make it special for his first child. Does his second child not matter enough to make an effort for? Is it only stepkids whose emotions we need to protect?
5. He would have been doing bugger all had his kid not been dumped on them. It was up to him to do something nice to make up for his ex dumping the child on Mother's Day. It's not up to OP to make up for two shitty parents.
6. Stepmothers have feelings too believe it or not. They shouldn't be expected to be martyrs who prioritise their stepkids over other family members no matter what unrealistic posters on MN are determined to say.
7. Hope you had a nice time with your Mum OP - you and she deserved it. Don't feel one bit guilty.

@sleepyscientist You would call your mum and tell her that because your partners ex-partner is working overtime, you're no longer treating her out to a meal on Mothers day and you'll have to rearrange to another day?

Your poor mum!!

The only issue I see is that your child was going along, so then in a blended family taking his kids on and all that. But his kids (depending on how old they are) should quite easily have understood that you already had plans and it was their plans that changed last minute.

Absolutely no way should your plans have changed, but I think that would be much easier to say if it was just you and your Mum without your DC.

As others have pointed out, so why couldn't the child's actual father whisk them "off for a lovely lunch" or any other activity of their choosing for some quality time together, which they would have almost definitely have preferred rather than tagging along to see their Stepmother's mum.

So what about her DC spending time with their mother? It was a special treat arranged for the 3 of them so why should they stay home?

When else in the year do we celebrate "Mothering Sunday"?

If the kid "dwells" on their step mother taking her mum out for Mother's Day to the point it would "ruin their relationship" then that is pretty unreasonable and bratty and may be a sign that they need some help to get a psychologically healthy perspective - otherwise life is going to be quite a horrible experience for them!

Maybe the OPs Mum getting her Mother's Day plans ditched and imposed upon in favour of a step child would "ruin their relationship"?

Where did I say their DC should stay home?

But his kids should quite easily have understood that you already had plans and it was their plans that changed last minute.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong, I would have done exactly the same. You had plans to have a lovely afternoon with your DM and DC which your DH was fine about (ofcourse why wouldn't he be). The DSC having to come because their DM decided to work on Mother's Day rather than spend it with her own DC does not mean you should change your plans.
It's likely they would have rather spent the day with their DM. The who dynamic of the meal would change from mothers and daughters if you start inviting DH and DSC. I can't believe your DH was so selfish to try and make you feel guilty on what is really your day.
Also I don't think you needed to go straight home after the meal, how lovely you could spend longer with your DM on Mother's day. Surely your DH is capable of looking after his DC alone for any amount of time. If not then that's the problem here.
I hope you, your DM and DC had a wonderful Mother's Day 💐

It's ridiculous that so many people would have upset their own mums because some man cannot mind his own kids for a day!
And the level of entitlement from some men!

Yanbu, I wouldn't have cancelled or invited them along in that situation either. You already had plans with your own mum and had booked a table, DH could have taken their child out for the day and done something fun but I'm assuming they didn't do that?
Sounds like he just wanted to make his own life easier and tag along with you so he didn't have to spend a day parenting by himself.

This is ridiculous. Why didn’t their own mum care enough to spend Mother’s Day with them?

I get where you're coming from, but actually I wouldn't always do this. Children need to learn at some point that they can't be invited to everything going, and conversely that it's ok not always to invite everyone to everything they do as they get older. They need to know that mummy and daddy will want some time just to themselves, for example.

Not every event has to involve the entire family, and I would guess they are old enough to understand that plans can't always change to accommodate them, especially at short notice.

It depends how it's handled. If it's framed as "mean old OP doesn't want you to go" then yeah, that's bad. But if OP explains that she wanted some time with her mother just them and it's important to spend time one on one with your parents (hint hint DH), then that's another thing entirely.

I don’t understand his point or that of those criticising you.

The point of contact time is to spend time with their dad - they got time with just him rather than with their little sibling hanging around. Sounds like it should have been a good thing!

If he can’t be bothered to look after his children that’s his problem.

Also presumably their Mum’s over time wasn’t mandatory?

Yanbu, it was mothers day and you went and spent time with your mum who you made plans with.

Exactly!

Why should I spend mothers day without my child?

"Why should I spend mother's day without my child?"

Exactly! Women are seemingly not allowed to have anything for themselves - not you, not your mum, not even Mother's Day without some cheeky fucker trying to co opt it