To have still gone out yesterday?

[KettleOFish]

I had a mother's day meal planned yesterday with my mum and my child.

DH was never going to come, but he didn't seen to mind, probably just happy to get some time to himself.

Until DSC ended up being with us yesterday. Their mum ended up doing some over time on Sunday so they came Sat night (didn't find out until Saturday) and stayed all day yesterday. Which is fine.

However, DH then expected me to want to spend the day with all the kids instead and was pissed off that I still went out with my mum and child and left them at home. I also went back to my mums after the meal for a while instead of going home (probably petty but it annoyed me that he expected me to change my plans).

He thinks I've been unreasonable not to do something that involved all DC on mothers day. I disagree as I already had plans and I just wanted to spend the day with my mum and my own child.

Well 1 parent wanted to work and the other didn't want to be left in charge of his own child, yet the OP is the "selfish" one? Why is it that SM's are always held to a higher standard than the child's own fucking parents in some people's eye's. Step parent's aren't there to manage the ACTUAL parents failings.

You are underestimating teenagers. I think the majority of teenagers would have the emotional maturity to understand the situation. If I was a teen even a preteen and had the option of having lunch with my stepmum and her mum then hanging out at step grandma's house or say going for a pizza and the cinema, I know what I would chose. Would actually have made the same choice if it was my actual mum and gran.

Nowhere does OP suggest the SC were even upset. It says DH was annoyed presumably because he has to actually parent his own kids. Also nowhere does it say that the kids are even teens. Ironic that you are complaining about 'invented holidays' when you are inventing issues and details about OP's post.

At short notice, and on mother's day. No not unreasonable.

Parents need to be accountable for their kids.

The mum decided to do overtime.

The dad wanted to have the kids but not entertain them himself.

So where’s your accountability for the actual parents instead of making the step-mum the villain?

It’s crazy that people want the actual two MUMS (OP and her mum) to be inconvenienced on Mother’s Day to make things easier for DH and his dc.

Pmsl at "cold disdain" @Notpossibly you should consider a career in fiction writing!

I don't see why OP and her mum have to rearrange their lives when it's seemingly okay for the step dc's actual mum to do something other than be with her own kids on Mother's Day!

And they were with their dad, not sent out to sweep chimneys! It's not OO's fault that he cba to look after his own children!

@sleepyscientist

youre right. I mean there’s always McDonald’s isn’t there?

If it’s only an invented holiday then what’s wrong with DSC doing an activity with just their dad? It’s not like DH is going with OP and leaving DSC with a babysitter and excluding them from a family meal out.

I get on well with my son's step-mother, and NO WAY would I have ever expected her to take him to a meal with her mother and his step brother when his dad was at home!!! WTAF!!!

To be fair to my ex-H, there's no way he'd have been trying to fob his child off when he could spend time with him.

Some crazy expectations of step-mothers here - as well as the usual low bar for the father.

And people wonder why women are still bottom of the heap, the OP should change her plans at the last minute to avoid upsetting a man who agreed to have his own child after her own plans were made.

Absolutely not, the OPs wants, needs and feelings are just as valid as anyone else's, why should women bend over backwards all the time to accommodate men?

The DH wasn't going to the lunch, (he only wanted to go rather than parent his own child alone) he's available to spend quality time with his own child, what's the problem? Why is any of it the OPs problem. The step child won't care in the slightest, that's just another argument for putting the OP in her place, in deference to a man.

I'm very pro the stepkids usually but why should you change your plans? He could do something fun with his kids he doesn't need u to facilitate that. And it's your Mother's Day! Surely you should do whatever you want to do. I'd be pretty annoyed about this

It reads like she would have been fine with it if she didn't already have plans?

I'm sure their dad did something fun with them.

So when it was just your joint kids, he was fine with you going off to spend Mother’s Day without him (was this your preference or did he not really want to come initially?), but when your DSC were there, he thought you should cancel a booked restaurant at the last minute which may have been hard for them to fill, and mess your mum around so he and his kids could have no effort instant entertainment too?

Why didn’t he just take his kids out to do something special 1:1? Why the instance on crashing your meal? Does he ever take them out 1:1?

Not tricky at all. Surely his DC would welcome a whole day 1:1 with their father, especially if he planned to do something that wouldn't work so well with the blended family

Wait, unless he is a bit pants as a father and relies on their DSM to make life enjoyable for them. Sigh.

I’m going to say YABU because you’ve avoided all of the questions about the DSC age(s), whether they wanted to go or how they felt about not going. So I think something in all that makes you unreasonable for not even trying to include the whole family in lunch. I think at the very least you had no empathy for how they might have felt about the situation. Your own DC might have wanted their sibling(s) to join them for lunch. I think you sent a very clear signal that you do not consider the stepchild(ren) part of your family.

So it's not that really you went out, it's that he wanted to join you and bring his kids but you said no?

You said he doesn't normally make you parent his kids so that doesn't seem to be what was going on here so I can see why he would be annoyed or upset if he asked could he/they join you for the meal and you said no 😅

Did the kids want to go or were they not aware that the dad had asked?

The dad wanted to go too, he wasn't just asking her to take the kids.

They couldn’t join because it was a booked table for Mother’s Day and most restaurants can’t magically fit in an extra three diners without notice on likely their biggest lunch service of the year.

He wanted her to cancel (which is a shit thing to do to a restaurant at the last minute) the special meal she’d booked for her mum, herself and kids and find a different restaurant - likely a poor one given, as previously stated, it’s Mother’s Day, there would be at least 6 of them and there was no notice - instead.

I read her posts and didn't see that he wanted her to cancel and it seemed like she just assumed that she'd have to go to another restaurant (unless I missed one).

It's possible that she could have phoned and they would have said yes we'll squeeze you in. Or else they could have said no but by the sounds of it she didn't ask.

I've actually managed to get tables at restaurants twice on mothers day without booking even though they were apparently booked out. Once I got put under a table that they seemed to have just found somewhere and put under the stairs but I still got in all the same😂

Maybe you’re right and she did just assume. But if it’s a case of someone should have checked - why would phoning up and checking be her job? He could have done the leg work just as easily, even if he’d had to pass the phone over to her to actually change the booking.

So he didn’t want to come for the meal when he thought he was getting the day to himself ?
But when he realised he had to entertain his DC he decided he’d like to come ?
YANBU

Because by the sounds of it she didn't want him to go and he obviously became aware of that.

If she seemed open to the idea then perhaps he would have phoned, but when she wasn't open to the idea then of course he wasn't going to pick up the phone and try to add himself and the kids to the table.

Well no, she didn't want him to completely change the character of her outing. One he'd been absolutely fine with when it was just his children who were also her children going along. I think she's been pretty clear on that.

So if you're aware she didn't want them there at all, why does it make a difference whether she'd have to cancel or not? OP's argument is that she didn't want to change her Mother's Day around when her DH was quite capable of picking up the slack he'd agree'd to take on at the last minute for his ex. The restaurant isn't really the point, though in OP's opinion they would have had to cancel (and, frankly, if I'd had to be squashed in under the stairs because other people wanted to crash the meal at the last minute, I wouldn't be happy with that, either.)

The issue is - why didn't the DH do something else with the DSC since OP HAD PLANS already.

Because perhaps he was hurt or offended that she didn't seem to want him to go for the meal?

I agree that the restaurant isn't the point.

But it could just come down to him feeling hurt.

If it were me and I was going out with my kids and then on the day my partner seemed to want to come too with his child then I could see why he might feel hurt or offended if I didn't want him to.

If he had no idea you were going out, sure, I can see that point of view. But if you've planned something with other people, he's known about it and been fine with it, but then, on the day he suddenly changes his mind and becomes "hurt" - that sounds like manipulative and controlling behaviour.