To have still gone out yesterday?

[KettleOFish]

I had a mother's day meal planned yesterday with my mum and my child.

DH was never going to come, but he didn't seen to mind, probably just happy to get some time to himself.

Until DSC ended up being with us yesterday. Their mum ended up doing some over time on Sunday so they came Sat night (didn't find out until Saturday) and stayed all day yesterday. Which is fine.

However, DH then expected me to want to spend the day with all the kids instead and was pissed off that I still went out with my mum and child and left them at home. I also went back to my mums after the meal for a while instead of going home (probably petty but it annoyed me that he expected me to change my plans).

He thinks I've been unreasonable not to do something that involved all DC on mothers day. I disagree as I already had plans and I just wanted to spend the day with my mum and my own child.

@Notpossibly

but the child’s father could have made them feel loved and welcomed surely? Why was it all on Op? On Mother’s Day especially which is ONE day of the year when what she wants should take precedence.

@CwmYoy

what?

she got the opportunity to do some overtime, so she asked her child's other parent if they were able to have their child.

(he could have said 'sorry no' he had plans, he didn't. If he had she could have asked someone else or not done the overtime.

What's wrong with asking their other parent first?

she didn't leave her kids on his doirstep cold & hungry.

Ywnu to go out with your mum and child to something prearranged. Ywu to not go home and spend time with your sc and child afterwards. You could have bought your mum back to yours and spent the afternoon together. It was childish and not in the best interests of either child.

Woman bins off Mother’s Day with her kids.
Man refuses to spend Mother’s Day with his wife and kid.
Man changes plans to have DSC and can’t be arsed to actually spend time with them.

And it’s the step mum, who had existing plans with her own mum and child, who people think is to blame.

You couldn’t fucking make it up.

“Won’t someone just think of the chiiiildren (except their own parents…)”

I think you are trying too hard to justify selfishness.
It is not acceptable to treat a step daughter with cold disdain just because her father will treat her with love.
Certain responsibilities are non-delegable.

It was downright mean not to ring the restaurant to see if they could accommodate 2 more. I imagine they wouldn't have been able to, but at least the effort would have been made. And father and daughter could have been left to enjoy their day together knowing they were not unwanted.

The idea that the forthright OP only gets her own way one day a year is a bit of a stretch.

I imagine you would have received hate mn mail if you had overstepped and taken someone else's dc to celebrate mother's day with...

@Notpossibly

the child’s father is being selfish, rather than op.

@KettleOFish

YWNBU. DH was.

He was asked if he could have his children yesterday while their Mum did some overtime. It was up to him whether to say yes or no. He said yes, he knew you had plans (that he was happy not to be a part of).

as another poster said all he had to do was say to his children that YOU had plans to spend Mothers Day with your Mum, so what did they fancy doing for the day. No need to mention your child unless they asked. Then IF ASKED he could have said your child went to spend the day with their gran.

Jesus, how do you get old enough to have 2 sets of children & not learn to be tactful?

He chose not to be a part of the day with your Mum, you didn't need to rush home after lunch!!!

That being said, it would depend on my relationship with his children how inclined I felt to change plans!

@dothehokeycokey

RTFT.

That is what he wanted to do. OP wouldn’t allow them to join.

This is just utterly bizarre.

Firstly you're fabricating.

There's no mention of the gender of the child, nor is there any suggestion it was just one step child. The OP uses they and their. You're making up that it's a daughter.

Also "cold disdain"?!

Because she chose to go ahead with her plan with her Mum. Why should her Mum suffer?

Why are you so keen to stick the knife into OP when her husband could have done something lovely with his own kids?

Were you a bitter step daughter who felt the whole world had to revolve around you or something?

Does selfishness only work one way?

Crazy post.

I see, so you think if the DH is selfish that allows the OP to be selfish with impunity.

As a wise person once said it is easy to justify being selfish.

For what's its worth. I don't think DH was being selfish.

You had plans already made for the day and should not be expected to change them because a third party has changed her arrangements. Surely your husband can entertain his own child for one day?

It’s a no win situation but ultimately pre arranged wins you couldn’t let your mum down

Although we'd have had to go somewhere else as we'd booked a table at the restaurant we went to.

There wasn't an option to join.

She would have had to cancel and find somewhere else at last minute and risk the chance of having to let her Mum down altogether. That's a big and IMO unreasonable ask when DH could have just entertained his own kids.

I was in that exact situation yesterday after losing our original booking due to the car getting stuck in a ditch and needing roadside assistance. I couldn't get in anywhere in 4 separate towns in a 15 mile radius. We ended up in McDonalds in the end which was pretty shit for our Mums who we'd wanted to spoil.

I have answered all of your questions in my previous post apart from two and here is my answer to them. Adults need to be accountable for their own actions rather than blame others. The OP needs to look at her motivation rather than deflect onto her husband. I don't think that is sticking the knife in.

I am not a step child, but my mother was and sadly for her she had the wicked step mother of the fairy tales. It is important that type of step mother remains a creature of fiction and not a Mother's Day reality in 2024 Britain.

You haven't answered my questions at all.

You've made a whole lot of stuff up.

OP hasn't said it was one daughter. In fact a subsequent post suggests theres more than one DSC (she refers to his kids not kid). She says she wouldn't have been able to go to the original place, you've made up that she didn't bother to ring,
you don't actually know that.

You seem to be massively projecting about your own mother when you don't actually know what kind of step mother OP
is at all. Your imagination is running wild.

I agree adults should be accountable for their actions but OP did the right thing going ahead with taking her Mum out as planned.

The ex wife and husband need to be more accountable.

The OP shouldn't be expected to be a martyr and let her own Mum down when the child/ren have two parents who could and should have done better.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 @AnneLovesGilbert

Absolutely this. Nuts.

Exactly.
The dh didn't care about the meal until he ended up with his own dc to care for.

Seriously women marrying men with kids already should have a prenup that's says

I am not an unpaid, last minute nanny to your existing dc.
I will spend time with my dc and family that doesn't include dsc.
Your dc are all equal in your eyes but not mine.

@Notpossibly

why couldn’t OP’s husband I.e the child’s father have a nice day today spending quality time together whilst op went for her lunch as planned? You haven’t answered that

@All2Well it's only a invented holiday your making it out like it's a significant birthday for her mam not a meal out. Literally I would have quickly rang round the chain restaurants for a table for all of us and if not ordered a take away or cooked a meal plus drink at ours. That's before you consider the walk in and wait places like the best Italian local to us.

Yes I would put the kids before my mums restaurant choice and she would understand as she an adult. A teenage DSC left by their own mam isn't going to understand that.

People differ in opinion to you @sleepyscientist

You could say birthdays are a made up invention too.

Some of us prefer to make more of an effort for our mothers. As I've said upthread...

There wasn't an option to join.

She would have had to cancel and find somewhere else at last minute and risk the chance of having to let her Mum down altogether. That's a big and IMO unreasonable ask when DH could have just entertained his own kids.

I was in that exact situation yesterday after losing our original booking due to the car getting stuck in a ditch and needing roadside assistance. I couldn't get in anywhere in 4 separate towns in a 15 mile radius. We ended up in McDonalds in the end which was pretty shit for our Mums who we'd wanted to spoil.

It might surprise you but we don't all have a walk in Italian locally. I couldn't even get a walk in in a dump of a Hungry Horse.

It's not up to you to dictate how other people spend their special occassions. Some people will prioritise making their own parent feel special on a day dedicated to them over stepchildren whose biological parents could easily have done something else with them. Shocker.

It's YOUR day, and your mother's day. You get to choose.

When Father's Day comes around, he can choose what he wants to do.

@Picklestop

why should she?

he didn't want to go before he had his children for the day!!

op was looking forward to a lunch out with her mum & dc, just the three of them. DH just wanted to join them when he agreed with his EX to have the children for the day, but convenient that isn't it.

There is no way I would have altered my plans last minute, you did the right thing OP

The lucky kids got to spend the whole day with their dad, though! I'm sure he pulled the stops out to give them a good time.