Asked DH if he'd marry me again

[ChoccieEgg49]

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

Yabu to ask the question. Ask such a question and be prepared to be hurt.

It’s the same when parents admit if they could go back in time they wouldn’t have had any or as many children but they also love their children and wouldn’t actually change them for the world either. That they would have had them older or younger. But those same children then wouldn’t exist.

If I could go back in time I’d make many changes in my life but then actually that would change my whole life’s trajectory.

Your dh while not very thoughtful answered your silly question with a he just wished you had more in common. Maybe use that as a way to see if there are some of his hobbies you maybe interested in or if you could get him involved in any of yours. Sounds like he misses a shared adventure with you.

I’m not surprised you’re feeling hurt. However he was taking the question seriously and did give you a truthful answer. Not that he wouldn’t marry you, rather that he wishes you had more common interests.

Maybe it’s time for a conversation about what you could do to make this happen?

YABU for asking. Sorry you're upset though.

That sounds very upsetting.

But why not take it as a wake-up call - have a look at areas of your relationship.

YABU Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.

Would you rather DH lied to you?

You asked the question. He answered it.

Maybe it's about perspective here?

I think it's thoughtful that he actually thought about your question before answering. He expressed one area that he may want improvement in. He didn't flat out express he is overall unhappy with the marriage as a whole. Maybe the "travel, going out, laugh together " are things YOU enjoy. He seems to express a liking in physical activity. I know you said it isn't your thing but maybe try something he expresses interest in.

I am interested in what prompted your question in the first place. That may be something to ponder.

Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to.

YANBU to be hurt but it was a bloody silly thing to ask.

Some are saying IABU to ask this question. I just wondered why you think that? Of course, I was looking for a big cuddle and "of course I'd marry you all over again"! I didn't expect the pause and negativity so that hurt. My own fault for asking I guess.

You were clearly fishing and it back fired. Use this to open the conversation on how to improve things.

im a little surprised at your view thay you’re a good wife as you’re honest and trust worthy and cook. You are not a housekeeper. A romantic relationship takes much more.

They think that as you just wanted to hear yes, you were fishing. If you ask you need to be prepared for an honest answer.

Come on, OP, that’s a loaded question if I ever heard one! He respected you enough to give a thoughtful answer rather than some kind of generic ‘Of course!’

Dial down the melodrama (‘every second stung’! ‘Tears stung my eyes’!) and think about whether your relationship is working as well as it could. Are there things you could do together that you both enjoy?

Your husband has used your question as an opportunity to say he would to spend more time with you. That he would like you both to enjoy doing more stuff together.

That's a positive. You can work on that ( if you want to).

If your husband had said, ' No, I can't stand being in the same room as you', you would have a problem.

But you can actually use this to have a conversation, and make changes that could bring you both closer.

I said YWBU @ChoccieEgg49 because it's inadvisable to ask questions that you only want one answer to.

Yeah you shouldn't have asked.

He could have lied to make you feel better which is what you expected.
But you got an honest answer and from the sounds of it the answer is a maybe based on what he now knows.

Exactly, instead the op has went the drama llama route, tears stung my eyes! I just wanted a cuddle! And rushed to mumsnet to start a thread.

imstead of hearing what he said, and having a grown up conversation.

This could be quite positive though, can you have a talk about new things you can do together?

He's been very honest with you, he would like you to join in with more of his hobbies and activities.

Is there any reason that you can't go to the gym or walking with him or whatever? Is childcare an issue?

I think having an active partner with interests outside of the home is very important. Loyalty and similar traits are just the baseline expected in a marriage, it takes a bit more than that to keep things fresh and interesting.

Better he tells you now than in two years time when he's met someone else who does enjoy being active with him 🤷‍♀️

I really don’t understand why you asked. Nothing good is likely to come of a question like that.

If you were feeling insecure or something, asking ‘if you could go back in time, would you marry me knowing what you know now?’ is a really bad idea.

So you asked a question not wanting him to give an honest answer. You asked a question where you felt only one answer would be acceptable. Personally, I find that really manipulative. ‘I am goi g to ask a question but if you don’t give me the one answer I am looking for you will be at fault for hurting my feelings’

Openness is what makes a relationships you asked a question and he gave an honest answer. It’s really unfair to be unhappy and try and cast him as hurtful because he was honest.

it Could have been an opportunity to to discuss if there’s a compromise or things you would not enjoy to do it together. which would have been better for the relationship and is healthier for long term relationships.

I said yabu to ask because it’s such a loaded guessing any answer but of course my adoring amazing wife is going to hurt. You basically wanted him to lie to boost your ego, where as he used it to express that he would like certain thing to improve or change in an ideal world.

Well, you have a choice now. You know how he feels now.

You can either nurse your hurt because he has a different view on the state of your marriage, or you can be glad you have an honest answer so you work with him to build a marriage that satisfies both of you.

I know this is hard as it sounds like you were very satisfied with the state of the marriage. But he has told you now that he has some areas he would like to improve. Its good you know this rather than he lied to you.

Because asking people serious questions "on the hop" rarely ever goes well. You set him up to fail and you set yourself up for disappointment.

I think the reason PP's are saying YABU for asking is that you asked a question, you had a specific reply you wanted in your head, unfortunately you didn't get that answer, the answer you got was the true answer to the question.
I don't think your DH was wrong in what he said, he wasn't nasty and he wouldn't have told you this if you hadn't asked the question.
As PP's have said don't ask questions if you don't want truthful answers

Why in god's name would you ask this. The very fact you say you assumed he'd say 'of course I'd marry you all over again' means this hurts even more surely?

I have to say, if I asked my DM, if you had your time over again, would you have had me/children? I imagine she'd ponder it - not because she regrets having children, but because she's imagining an alternative life that didn't have children in it. She'd think about the good times with children, and the bad, and what the good and bad in her life would have been without them. It's a question that prompts deep thought.

But the conclusion DM would come to would be that she wouldn't change having children for the world, and I think that's what you're conflating your feelings with. Just because your DH thought briefly about what life would be like if you'd never got married, the good and the bad, that doesn't mean he regrets his choice to marry you.