Asked DH if he'd marry me again

[ChoccieEgg49]

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

This is one of those questions you should only ask during sex. At the point where they start making the funny sex face.

Are you sure?

*He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.*

He didn't say that he simply wanted to spend more time together. That is your interpretation. If all he wanted to do is spend more time together he could start joining in with OP's hobbies. Instead he makes her feel insecure about her marriage by saying that he might not marry her if they went back in time and suggests that people he knows that are happy do hiking and gym (no doubt his hobbies) together. That's clearly to make her feel that she needs to take up his hobbies in order for him to be happy in the marriage. I think that is manipulative.

I can't imagine hesitating over this. It would break my heart. After 40 years, my very unromantic but utterly loveable husband just took a photo of my hair spread out on the pillow behind my back 'because it just looked so beautiful'. Every day we count our blessings that we have each other. Sure, he'd tweak a few things, and I would. Doesn't mean we'd do it differently. Not for one second. Would not enter our heads. And we've had more challenges and sadness than most.

You're not being unreasonable. We all need reassurance and affirmation.

Oh dear. You married a bloke. In your mind, what you were really asking was: please, DH, say something lovely and romantic to me. In his mind, you were literally asking for helpful information on shared activities. I once asked my husband what he thought was the best thing about me, hoping for a romantic response. Unfortunately he is a bloke. So he replied, after quite a bit of thought and very seriously: ‘You’ve a reputation as a really good corporate lawyer.’ I was hurt but then realised that he is tactless and inept sometimes, but despite that, he really does love me. He’s stuck by me through all sorts and is loyal as could be. We now laugh about this episode - and a few others. Could it be this?

'I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought."
You didn't ask him if he was happy?

Firstly how awful for you.

I'd genuinely see this as a helpful warning sign and decide whether you want to put action in to have a happier marriage with longevity.

I've regularly had chats with dh around whether he's happy, how could he be happier. It's identified stuff we need to work on.

Years later we are both happier and more fulfilled. It's led to lots of positive choices.

I now have an art studio outside which doubles as his hobby room.

We go swimming together as its the only sport where I can keep up with him.

We go for cycle rides together.

It's prompted us to find common ground where we had none.

I hope you and dh can do that.

I recommend a book called "The affair-proof marriage ". I was determined to make it work when I inadvertently found myself with a crush on a work colleague. I did not want to lose my marriage over a passing attraction.

People here are often so nasty and miss the point whether deliberately or inadvertently.
You clearly thought everything was fine and happy but your husband has instead shocked you with his nit picky grudging response.
I would be upset too in your shoes. Men are strange creatures.

I think that is actually an amazing response! It may not have been quite what you had in mind if you wanted something romantic, so I get your disappointment, but it acknowledges your talent in your field.

You're not being unreasonable. We all need reassurance and affirmation.

Different people express themselves in different ways, though. It's the whole "love languages" thing. OP clearly values nice words, but it sounds like her DH is more of a "time together" type person.

I personally can't stand adults asking questions that are clearly designed to make you give them a compliment or to shower them with praise.

But I don't think this sort of question, within a loving marriage, is needy.

It's more like comparing notes on a fabulous holiday you took together, "Didn't we have fun" sort of thing. It's not that you're insecure and fishing for compliments or reassurance, it's more that it's nice comparing notes on something happy.

OP's DH's evasiveness is just weird and unexpected, like if you said "Didn't we have fun on that holiday!" and he commented on the lousy weather and then changed the subject.

Well my DH said no to marrying me again and also he didn't like me. In discussions about how to move forward but not together. 💔

Man, tough crowd in here.
I actually texted DH the same question out of curiousity after reading the OP.

If you were truly happy and in a loving marriage, why would you need to ask a question like that?

I really disagree that it's the equivalent of comparing notes on a fun holiday. If that was genuinely the case, why didn't OP start by saying something nice about their marriage, or about how lucky she was to be married to him?

If you want someone to give you affirmation and reassurance, then you don't start that conversation with a weird hypothetical question that forces them into an awkward position.

I am sorry. You need to talk to him about what can improve going forward to take your marriage from good to great.

How long have you been married? How many kids are in the mix?

My husband and I don't really share any interests but we are happy after 9 yrs of marriage and 3 kids.

I just asked him the other day what he'd rate our marriage out of 10. We both agreed a 9, it would be a 10 if we had more time together, but that's because of the kids.

But he didn't say no. He may not have scooped you up and kissed you saying 'yes yes yes, always' because that's a romcom response, and unrealistic. However, he gave your question serious thought and answered you honestly, but he also did not say No.

So now ask him if there's an activity you could do together, it never hurts to work on your relationship

Thats very tough- hope you find happiness in the future. You deserve better than your current DH

I would be upset to OP. I'm surprised at some pp responses.
And why is it that some pp have said YOU that have to change to find more in common with him- why not other way round? I think its a 2 way thing - maybe there's an activity or hobby that you can do together that you'd both enjoy? I wouldn't force DH to a book club and he wouldn't force me to enter a triathlon we have some different interests but still a lot in common.
I guess you were feeling insecure and wanted reassurance but didn't get it. It sounds like you do have a lot of other things in common though.

These kinds of questions often end in tears.

Totally get why you felt hurt but I think it’s the classic men are from mars, women are from Venus. I would want the response you say about, but get the male response of considering the question in black & white like a business contract. I don’t think he meant it like you think he did. He just wants to spend more quality time together.

Good grief you sound like a "motivational" training course from work

@Jovacknockowitch

Haha I see how it came across like that. I was completing a mental health assessment and one of the questions was to rate your marriage out of 10.

I asked dh to marry me on 29th Feb. He said no. I think he was joking but I’m not sure. I wouldn’t even want to get into the conversation!

Texting gives the other person time to think away from you, even if it's one minute.

Different to being put on the spot with eyes on you.

OP, take it as a positive that he was open with you.
Better than him pretending whilst having an affair.
His reply suggests he wants to improve the marriage, so focus on that.

Ha ha ha. Muppet. You were looking for validation, reassurance and a compliment. You made him think and mull. You were on different intellectual pages. He thought it was a question about how you could two could be closer together. You just wanted the cheerleading team to go "Ra, Ra, Ra, You're awesome". Now you've been given homework. Don't ignore it. He can see better in your relationship together. So what better do you want?