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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked DH if he'd marry me again

258 replies

ChoccieEgg49 · 10/03/2024 12:28

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

OP posts:
PeryleneGreen · 10/03/2024 16:20

I think YWBU to ask that type of question. It often ends up with someone feeling hurt. But you aren't unreasonable to want reassurance that your husband loves you. I'd approach him again, tell him honestly the response you were hoping for and that the one he gave has left you feeling that he's settled for you, and you want to confirm that he's happy in your life together. Give him the opportunity to say something positive. Maybe you can consider finding a hobby to do together, as well, but perhaps choose something new you can try together that appeals to both of you, rather than you trying to like something just because he does.

haveacat · 10/03/2024 16:31

I am with you on this one OP! You are his wife. He should have said ‘yes’! To say anything else is just thoughtless, and a bit mean, regardless of whether he meant it or not. He must have known that his answer would mean a lot to you and it was a bit unkind.

Viviennemary · 10/03/2024 16:31

Of course it's hurtful. Seems like he is just jogging along but isn't blissfully happy. But is anybody.

upthehills1 · 10/03/2024 16:32

Ouch. You asked… What would your response be if he asked you?

there is only one thing you can do with this - work on your relationship. It sounds like he was honest and there is potentially just one thing that’s leaving him unfulfilled. As others have suggested, you should try taking up a hobby together. I totally feel him, I can’t imagine being in a relationship without similar hobbies.

upthehills1 · 10/03/2024 16:33

haveacat · 10/03/2024 16:31

I am with you on this one OP! You are his wife. He should have said ‘yes’! To say anything else is just thoughtless, and a bit mean, regardless of whether he meant it or not. He must have known that his answer would mean a lot to you and it was a bit unkind.

So when he leaves her in X years time and she asks ‘why didn’t you tell me you were unfulfilled?’

LovelyTheresa · 10/03/2024 16:36

HarpieDuJour · 10/03/2024 13:51

My husband asks this sort of question reasonably often. Because I don't want to lie, I fudge the answer (I usually ask if it matters after 30 years of marriage, or give a suitably vague answer. If I think he might otherwise lose his temper, I joke about having to marry him because I loved his dog.). As it happens, I wouldn't marry him again, or even give him the time of day, and him getting all needy and demanding validation from me is hugely irritating.

However, if he had never abused me, lied to me or controlled me, then I would probably say "yes, but I do wish we did more together". OP, your husband sounds like a decent man, so you should be able to talk to him about this. He might be having doubts, but he might just have been irritated by the question, and you can only find out by asking him.

Why do you stay married to him if you dislike him so much? Divorce him.

Octomingo · 10/03/2024 16:37

I think a lot of this depends on how long you've been married and what kind of day you're having.

20 years together and I wouldn't risk that question. Mind, you neither would dh. I wouldn't be able to give a quick answer. I might have done 2 or 3 years in.

Yeahno · 10/03/2024 16:37

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 10/03/2024 16:07

Yes she was fishing for compliments from her husband. What's wrong with that?

I personally find that kind of behaviour incredibly off-putting. Maybe her DH is the same.

Well he has potentially damaged his marriage because he could not give his wife a compliment. He could have refused to answer if he was offended by the question. He had a good think and came up with no. His response was hurtful and I don't think OP will be forgetting that for a long time.

LovelyTheresa · 10/03/2024 16:37

Viviennemary · 10/03/2024 16:31

Of course it's hurtful. Seems like he is just jogging along but isn't blissfully happy. But is anybody.

Some people are, yes. I don't like the narrative 'everyone's unhappy', it just isn't true. I am happy. All day every day? No. But every day? Yes.

Chaiilatte · 10/03/2024 16:41

YABU. He's literally said he wishes he spent more time with you, which means he loves you and wants to be more connected to you. He was just expressing how he feels.

Lampslights · 10/03/2024 16:42

I think people are being are not reading what he said, he didn’t say I want you to come to the gym or go hiking.

he said I wish we had more in common, like hobbies

he then gave examples of folks who do things together like gym or hiking. He could habe said paragliding or sheep shearing. They were examples. He wasn’t asking her to do those things.

he was saying I wish we had more in common, shared interests, and we could then do those together.

the message he was giving is they don’t have much in common. And it bothers him.

theduchessofspork · 10/03/2024 16:43

Well it’s not a question you should ask if you aren’t prepared to get a nuanced answer.

However your husband was very clear about what he feels is missing - the companionship of doing hobbies together. So I’d carry on with that conversation with him and see what you can jointly do about it, if anything.

He’s been honest which is to his credit. He clearly didn’t want to hurt you but I am sorry you are hurt.

Lampslights · 10/03/2024 16:45

Yeahno · 10/03/2024 16:37

Well he has potentially damaged his marriage because he could not give his wife a compliment. He could have refused to answer if he was offended by the question. He had a good think and came up with no. His response was hurtful and I don't think OP will be forgetting that for a long time.

Show quote history

So you think he should lie. That is more damaging. That’s how marriages end. A slow death by a thousand cuts. Lying and saying you’re happy when you’re not.

and then when he’s off, we hear, I’d no idea. I thought we were happy.

becsuse some folks like you think you should lie through your teeth till you walk out the door.

Noseybookworm · 10/03/2024 16:45

ChoccieEgg49 · 10/03/2024 12:39

Some are saying IABU to ask this question. I just wondered why you think that? Of course, I was looking for a big cuddle and "of course I'd marry you all over again"! I didn't expect the pause and negativity so that hurt. My own fault for asking I guess.

I guess I'm wondering why, in a secure and happy relationship, you'd be asking the question and looking for reassurance that of course he would marry you again? It would genuinely not occur to me in a million years to ask my DH that!

Patrickiscrazy · 10/03/2024 16:45

Well, I wouldn't marry my husband, if I could "rewind". Marriage with virtually no problems, but I would stay on my own. I am child free, also.
What did you expect, OP?

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 10/03/2024 16:48

haveacat · 10/03/2024 16:31

I am with you on this one OP! You are his wife. He should have said ‘yes’! To say anything else is just thoughtless, and a bit mean, regardless of whether he meant it or not. He must have known that his answer would mean a lot to you and it was a bit unkind.

So he should just say whatever OP wants to keep the peace?

Sounds like a pretty unhealthy way of communicating to me, and a recipe for disaster and resentment in a marriage.

babyproblems · 10/03/2024 16:50

I think you are lucky there is such honesty and realism in your marriage. Many don’t have that level of complete transparency, ever. It’s something you should be proud of that you’ve lived life together and have achieved that level of closeness and respect for one another. I think almost all people would say their marriage wasn’t what they hoped - because when you sign up young and in love, you have no real life experience and things happen throughout life that can make the journey an unexpectedly bumpy one. It sounds like you have survived together and still have a great bond so I don’t think it’s at all as bad as you make out!! Xxx

Megifer · 10/03/2024 16:50

Only got to page 2 of replies all falling over themselves to tell op that her husband musing over this question is ops fault for asking it 🙄

If you hate each other op then yea, his response was an OK way of telling you no, he wouldn't marry you.

Otherwise he could have said a very normal "of course silly gis a hug". Then not be a shitbag and address any issues another time without needing a lead in from you.

And fwiw any parent who answers "No, I wouldn't have kids again" to their children asking similar is a grade A cunt .

Elphamouche · 10/03/2024 16:53

Well clearly IABU as well because I read this, and then asked my DH the same question. Stupid at 38 weeks pregnant 😂 but we have been through a lot together before we got married, we know what each others hobbies etc are.

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable question!

EarthSight · 10/03/2024 16:53

Bloodyhell people are being harsh today. Give her a break. Lots of women ask questions like that. Yes she was fishing because she was looking for a show of affection, for reassurance. No it's not her 'fault' for asking, fss.

I'm sorry you got that answer OP. It sounds like you're the more invested or happier party in this marriage. I think this is maybe time for you to work more on shared activities or hobbies together. Seems like a lack of that is making him feel distant from you, and it's important for him.

tkwal · 10/03/2024 16:54

YANBU in asking the question and I know those seconds you waited for his reply must have felt like an eternity, but (bear with me on this please)I think its to his credit that he thought about it and still had the courage to give an honest, considered answer.
He didn't say he wouldn't marry you again so I think there is a bright side (I know it might be hard to see right now) in that there are things you both could work on. Now that he has opened the door to the subject I'm sure there are some things you would like him to adjust within your relationship.
Maybe I'm odd but I'd prefer his reply rather than a quick and patronising "of course I would"

Brawcolli · 10/03/2024 16:57

You’re not being unreasonable, what’s unreasonable is all the people piling on to tell you how silly you are for asking what you thought was just a fun question! Of course you aren’t ’fishing’ or asking him to lie, how ridiculous.

Topicmanger · 10/03/2024 16:57

I also think it’s perfectly normal in a long marriage to get to a stage where you think doing more hobbies together is a good thing. I have a male friend who said that to me. His kids were leaving home and he said that they had been what he and his wife had in common, and now he felt he and his wife needed to find shared hobbies ( he has his own independent hobbies). It’s a positive thing. When I got married, FIL in his speech talked of the importance of your own hobbies, and shared hobbies to a happy marriage.

I can see if OP was expecting g a gushing response she would be taken aback. But this question was in the context of talking about long term couples and I can quite see how her H was primed to take this as a genuine question requiring thought.

I still find it absolutely extraordinary that a plea for shared hobbies with a spouse is taken so negatively.

IncompleteSenten · 10/03/2024 16:58

So he didn't actually say yes? I read your op and you don't mention that he said yes at any point. Unless I missed it.

That would hurt me because there are times when avoiding saying yes is actually saying no.

If he'd said yes, but I wish we did more things together though... That's very different to the complete absence of a yes and just a list of things that he wishes were different.

Megifer · 10/03/2024 17:02

Brawcolli · 10/03/2024 16:57

You’re not being unreasonable, what’s unreasonable is all the people piling on to tell you how silly you are for asking what you thought was just a fun question! Of course you aren’t ’fishing’ or asking him to lie, how ridiculous.

And acting as if he's brilliant for being honest 🙄 some low standards on this thread.

If he feels like this why not mention it before? Oh maybe he was waiting for an opportunity like his wife giving him an easy 'in'. How brave of him.