Asked DH if he'd marry me again

[ChoccieEgg49]

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

It can be a problem for some people if they don’t do things together especially after children have grown up.

We enjoy hiking, games and crosswords and quizzes. Maybe for some it’s not an issue but it would always have been an issue for me. Because that’s how I want to spend my spare time.

Yes I know it’s an old meme taking the piss out of insecure women. And the point of the meme was that the boyfriend wasn’t doing anything wrong by answering honestly.

Of course your dh might communicate differently to me. We are all individuals. I would imagine I have nothing in common with your dh, so no reason to think I would communicate the same way. That was my point. Not everyone communicates the same way.

and if you only communicate in a way that suits you and not the person you are communicating with, these things will happen. Which is what happened here. Op was looking for something she felt she needed at that moment. He answered the actual question she asked.

Tell DH you’ve been thinking about what he said and are wondering if there was a new interest/hobby that you could both take up. Or maybe you have a hobby he might like to try.
Provided you’re both fit you could take up walking and birdwatching or history and visiting historic places. Genealogy includes several areas of interest and we all have DNA and a family.
Use this as a way to improve your relationship — better than him one day saying we no longer have anything in common.

If he'd gone all serious and gave "honest" analytical answers about how lack of sleep depletes collagen etc, it wouldn't have matched the spirit of my question at all

I would suggest that your interpretation is not matching the spirit of his answer. He answer was saying he would like them to spend more time together doing joint stuff, and your interpretation is, 'HE'S CRUEL! HE WANTS TO DESTROY YOUR ESTEEM, OP.'

Its you who is not reading the room here, not him.

Really? I felt the point of the meme was how they both hilariously took the question too seriously

I think the outcome speaks for itself.

Tears came to her eyes. Every millisecond hurt.

He's misjudged his response for sure

All these posters who think it's just crazy and unreasonable to expect one's husband will just say, "of course!"

Sad.

YANBU but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt in that he thought you were actually looking for an in-depth assessment of your relationship. That he's basically come up with wanting to spend more time with you doing things he thinks are fun is no bad thing, really, but I'd gently bring up with him later today that you were actually looking for a bit of affection and reassurance, and could you have some now, please inexchange for coming on his bloody outdoorsy trips ?!

People are going to be unreasonably unpleasant on AIBU so don't mind some replies 😊

1. It's a common sort of 'playful' question many partners ask, expecting a 'in a heartbeat' or some other romantic reply.

1. Your husband answered honestly, but that was a shocking/unexpected truth and I'd have exactly the same emotional response as you.

I wonder if this bold face honesty can be used to improve things?

The outcome is still in OPs hands. She can use it to have a conversation that will lead to improvements in the marriage for them both. She can ignore it and let an underlying issue fester not knowing where that will lead. Or she can believe you and conclude her H is cruel and wants to destroy her with the resulting ending of her marriage that will lead to. That would be an extraordinary mis-step though.

A spouse is not wrong for raising an issue in a marriage, even if it causes discomfort to the person hearing it. The outcome lies in how they both choose to respond once that issue is in the open.

I agree with this.

Even good relationships can be better, and he’s positively said what he thinks can be improved. If you’re interested, you can look at working on that together.

OP, I can't vote because I need to vote both ways.

YABU in asking such a silly question. I'm assuming your mother/teacher/responsible adult didn't warn you against such behaviour? You can't be blamed for not knowing instinctively. My mother taught me 'Never ask a man why he loves you. He might think about it and decide he doesn't!' Dark, but handy advice. Don't ask questions which might lead to problems if you don't like the answer. You're just shooting yourself in the foot. Now you're hurt.

YANBU because he could have been more tactful and kind. You could have carried on, perhaps for the rest of your lives, never knowing he was dissatisfied. But now the truth is out.

So where to go from here?

Tell him, gently, that you're really sad because you want him to be very happy with you. Ask him what activities you can both start, together. Both as beginners. And do that. Try a hobby together, see if it helps.

He hasn't said he'd remarry you if he could go back. Recently I was asked what I would change if I could go back in time - I said I'd go to the night I was conceived and offer my dad a condom. Life's hard! I wouldn't even be a mother if I could go back - I love my dd totally but her life has been hard, too. We don't need this shit! 'Knowing what you know now' makes the past look very different and our choices might be different too.

It might be that your one question will change your lives, for better or for worse. No-one knows. Give it your best shot, see how it goes.

Some are saying IABU to ask this question. I just wondered why you think that?

Because you were not looking for an honest answer so it was not an honest question.

I can understand what he means about sharing hobbies and common interests and doing things together. Hell would freeze over before you got me into a gym with a partner but I can image going for nice hikes together. Is there a reason you don't want to do that?

How much does he involve himself in YOUR hobbies, or, if you have kids, give you enough alone time to pursue your hobbies? It swings both ways.

I hardly think wanting to spend more time with you is a negative answer.

Some of you are going to put your backs out reaching so far.

He loves you, he enjoys your company, he wants to spend MORE time with you. That’s a good thing no? Time to talk to each other about exploring a hobby you both like the sound of.

Least he was honest.

I'm sure many couples feel like this but wouldn’t be as honest with each other as this.

This with bells on. I asked my exhusband if he loved me. I was expecting a " Yes of course I do". He said that he esteemed me highly ( wtf) but no he didn't love me and hadn't for years. We had 2 very young children at that point. Our marriage limped on for another 6 months before he left with a 17 year old colleague. I asked. He was honest. There was no coming back from that.

I don’t get PP responses. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to - OP did want the answer. She wanted and thought her DH would say he loved her and of course he would marry her again, their life together means something to him. Ditto - you were fishing, this is what you get. When I’m fishing my DH knows what to say (and vice versa), because we care about each other and like making each other happy.

The only thing you can take from this OP is that you could use this as an opportunity to develop some shared interests but maybe think about how he can help free up some time for you to do these activities together and/or share some of your interests with him so that he can join you in them. Saying that I’d still tell him there was a nice way to share that information and that probably wasn’t it!

I ask stuff like this all the time, but I'm not sensitive to the answer and feel it's likewise. We happily plod along though, but of course there's sometimes a wonder if there's a better match out there.

I don’t get PP responses. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to - OP did want the answer. She wanted and thought her DH would say he loved her and of course he would marry her again, their life together means something to him.

Exactly - in other words, there was only one answer she'd have been happy with.

Questions like this, to many people, aren't lighthearted. They're actually quite loaded and manipulative, because they're not designed to get you to be honest - they're either designed to fish for compliments or to start an argument.

Easiest "of course I would..." Unless there are problems in the marriage already, most emotionally intelligent adults would give that response.
People suggesting that the OP picks up one of his hobbies, why? I am guessing he knew they had different interests when they decided to marry. Why use that as a reason he wouldn't marry her again. Yes she was fishing for compliments from her husband. What's wrong with that?

Why did you ask? Seriously?

If ‘every millisecond stung your heart’, then it suggests you definitely shouldn’t ask things like that.

He thought she was asking a serious question; she was just looking for reassurance.

I think you need to flag pleas for reassurance to get the response you need.

It’s no bad thing to learn how much he’d like OP to take part in certain activities with him. Many couples have very different interests and are fine with that, but some would like to share certain things with their spouses and that’s ok.

Yes she was fishing for compliments from her husband. What's wrong with that?

I personally find that kind of behaviour incredibly off-putting. Maybe her DH is the same.

Because you are not prepared to act on the honest answer

Mumoftwo1312
I do think a lot of those testing questions range from manipulation to run of the mill fishing for compliments though.

Same on your question to your DH about whether you've aged. You're expecting a certain outcome and for him to mind read to know that you're expecting either a humorous reply or a compliment. You're not actually open to an answer that doesn't fit the script you want. You said yourself that if he hadn't answered the way you wanted he'd have been the one in the wrong. You and DH are obviously enough on the same page that he knows what the correct response is and it's a way of communicating that works for you though.

Personally I can't see why I'd want to ask my spouse their opinion on something if I didn't actually want their answer and I don't see why I'd want to do the pick me dance between me and Kim Kardashian.

It reminds me of when some women point out an attractive woman or comment that a partner's friend/colleague is pretty and the only acceptable answer is for him to pretend he's never noticed or he doesn't think the woman is attractive (because acknowledging it means he fancies her or wants to sleep with her etc),but then he also gets accused of being a liar if he pretends he's never noticed because obviously she is pretty and he must be hiding his crush by saying he never noticed. It's stupid game playing in my opinion.