Asked DH if he'd marry me again

[ChoccieEgg49]

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

I’m so sorry OP, what an asshole he is.

I can't believe all the people saying you shouldn't have asked. You wanted a little reassurance, a nice warm fluffy feeling and got quite a shock by the response. Of course you'd feel hurt.

What I'd do now is take time to collect yourself and recenter. Then look at all the points he's made and see if you feel there's any room for change, growth or compromise. It may be a great opportunity for you to improve your connection. I imagine you sensed some disconnect to ask him re marrying you again.

Good for you asking him and now you can see if things might be developed. There might be no room to do so but you absolutely haven't done a bad or wrong thing at all!

I so agree. Yes of course you're hurt but maybe you could look at it this way: he respects you enough to think about his answer and then to tell the truth. So maybe it could become the start of something that brings you closer together? You could think about what the marriage means to you as well. And how you could both make things better?

I read some thing about the difference between male and females bonding and how females bonding from sex and cuddles after and oxytocin and all of that but men bond from overcoming something together like how fellas in a team get really close. He's probably looking at other couples and missing that bonding if you don't do challenging stuff together. Don't want to be living in each other's pockets but maybe find something you can both enjoy that you have to work at together. He's given you plural a huge opportunity to turn that around

This..

he’s actually sad you don’t do more together … that’s a compliment and I’d be asking him what he’d like you both to do together and find something you’d both like

I can't believe all the people saying you shouldn't have asked. You wanted a little reassurance, a nice warm fluffy feeling and got quite a shock by the response. Of course you'd feel hurt
It's not that OP shouldn't have asked. Asking the question is fine.

It's that it's a bit unreasonable to ask a question when only one answer is deemed acceptable so the spouse is then being tested to see whether they're a mind reader and give the correct answer, and if they answer the question they've been asked (Vs delivering the answer they're meant to have mind read to know what to say) then they're presented as mean.

I understand why the OP feels hurt though. It's because she wasn't actually prepared to have a conversation that followed from the question so it's come as a curve ball that her spouse has mentioned areas the relationship could be better.

If someone's feeling like they need more affirmation in a relationship, then they need to talk to their spouse about their feelings or explain how more verbal affirmation would help, not use trick questions to fish for the right answers.

Ohhhhh bless you sweetheart. But those are questions we shouldn't be asking in the first place if we have a feeling the answer would not be as expected. I agree with above comment about children.
I know I should not married my husband. But I would marry him thousand times again, because of my beautiful baby. So it's better if only the hobbies are the issue.

While it's not a nice thing to hear, people saying you shouldn't have asked, what's the point of sticking your head in the sand? She had an inkling I would have thought. She asked the question and instead of giving her some meaningless reassurance he hit her with the truth. This is not him being an asshole this is being open and honest and actually a brave thing to do. She knew in her heart there was something wrong now she knows what it is. Now she can try work with her husband or not but her eyes are fully open