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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked DH if he'd marry me again

258 replies

ChoccieEgg49 · 10/03/2024 12:28

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Pepsimaxedout · 10/03/2024 12:52

It's a Pandoras box question though isn't it?! I suppose now you know his answer its up to you what you do with that. Maybe it's time to make more effort or go separate ways.

LadyNijo · 10/03/2024 12:52

ChoccieEgg49 · 10/03/2024 12:39

Some are saying IABU to ask this question. I just wondered why you think that? Of course, I was looking for a big cuddle and "of course I'd marry you all over again"! I didn't expect the pause and negativity so that hurt. My own fault for asking I guess.

If you were looking for an ego boost, ask for one! Don’t ask a loaded question that, as actually happened, got you an honest answer that hurt your ego.

In your shoes, I would take that reply as a huge compliment. You’re married to someone who thinks honest communication is valuable, who took your question seriously, and whose reply says he’d like to spend more time with you.

To me, that’s a far better answer than some kind of generic ‘Of course I would’.

yellowsmileyface · 10/03/2024 12:52

ChoccieEgg49 · 10/03/2024 12:39

Some are saying IABU to ask this question. I just wondered why you think that? Of course, I was looking for a big cuddle and "of course I'd marry you all over again"! I didn't expect the pause and negativity so that hurt. My own fault for asking I guess.

I don't think it's ever a good idea to ask unnecessary hypothetical questions in a relationship where only one answer would be acceptable to you. It's a recipe for a completely unavoidable argument and upset.

As others have said, perhaps use this as an opportunity to address the areas for improvement in your relationship.

Mummame222 · 10/03/2024 12:53

ChoccieEgg49 · 10/03/2024 12:39

Some are saying IABU to ask this question. I just wondered why you think that? Of course, I was looking for a big cuddle and "of course I'd marry you all over again"! I didn't expect the pause and negativity so that hurt. My own fault for asking I guess.

Omg that’s so hurtful. I would be really hurt by this. To me, he would basically be saying ‘I don’t love you like I used to’.

DemelzaandRoss · 10/03/2024 12:54

Sorry that you’re hurt.
I notice DH seems to want you to engage in activities you don’t particularly want to.
There has to be compromise here, he will need to accompany you in things he might not be interested in.
Making it feel like it’s all your fault.

Topicmanger · 10/03/2024 12:54

LadyNijo · 10/03/2024 12:52

If you were looking for an ego boost, ask for one! Don’t ask a loaded question that, as actually happened, got you an honest answer that hurt your ego.

In your shoes, I would take that reply as a huge compliment. You’re married to someone who thinks honest communication is valuable, who took your question seriously, and whose reply says he’d like to spend more time with you.

To me, that’s a far better answer than some kind of generic ‘Of course I would’.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 10/03/2024 12:56

Of course you're not being unreasonable, his answer should have been 'yes' nothing else. All the waffling about hobbies and gyms, avoiding the actual question is a bit of a red flag. Very hurtful thing to do you.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/03/2024 12:57

I think you are very much overreacting.

I don't see anything that was rude, abusive or insulting in his response.

He probably just highlighted an area of your marraige that he would like to be different. I'm pretty sure if you answered honestly, there are a few adjustments you might like too.

My DP is a very plain eater and hates trying new restaurants and menus. I really wish he did but it doesn't mean, I don't still want to be with him.

VestibuleVirgin · 10/03/2024 12:59

ChoccieEgg49 · 10/03/2024 12:39

Some are saying IABU to ask this question. I just wondered why you think that? Of course, I was looking for a big cuddle and "of course I'd marry you all over again"! I didn't expect the pause and negativity so that hurt. My own fault for asking I guess.

You were playing a game and your DH didn't know the rules
He tried to engage in an honest conversation and you welled up because he didn't give the 'correct' answer.
Yabu

C1N1C · 10/03/2024 12:59

I wish I had the courage to answer that question truthfwhen my partner asks that...

Fleamaker · 10/03/2024 13:01

He's answered in a 'practical' way rather than a gushy romantic way.

If you'd asked him during a romantic moment where you were both in that mindset he probably would've given you that perfect answer.

I don't think his answer was particularly bad, he's just been very matter of a fact. He envisaged you doing more together that's all. A good opportunity to discuss further?

dudsville · 10/03/2024 13:05

I don't think you were being unreasonable for asking the question, but you were naïve not to think it through in advance, what it would mean to you if he answered the thoughtful way that he has, or worse. However, you can't go back in time. OP, this would hurt me to my core and I would be very surprised if I asked my DH this question and he answered the way yours has, so I can imagine the shock and hurt. It would give me pause to consider things. He's ok with having settled. Are you? It can be a fine life so long as the commitment is solid. If there's any chance either of you might take a shine to someone new though then you're dedicating a lot to something that might come to an end.

Lampy123678 · 10/03/2024 13:06

ChoccieEgg49 · 10/03/2024 12:28

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

I think he's given you a really insightful answer about your relationship, which is what he thought you were asking. It doesn't sound to me like you have to go to the gym or hiking together, it sounds like he is looking at couples who spend time together doing activities and wishes you spent more together. Do you spend any time together doing anything for fun or are you just at home together?

Lampslights · 10/03/2024 13:07

Cosmosforbreakfast · 10/03/2024 12:56

Of course you're not being unreasonable, his answer should have been 'yes' nothing else. All the waffling about hobbies and gyms, avoiding the actual question is a bit of a red flag. Very hurtful thing to do you.

Why should it have been yes if it’s not true? What an odd answer.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 10/03/2024 13:09

I don’t actually agree with the majority here. I probably feel a similar way about my dh as your dh does about you op. I love physical activity and being outdoors. I run, walk, ride my bike and workout regularly. Dh will come under sufferance occasionally but it’s not his thing. I would prefer it if we did more together and had more shared interests but I would marry him again tomorrow. 20+ years on and he is my biggest supporter and still makes me laugh more than anyone else. I can do my hobbies with anyone but I couldn’t find another him.

LolaSmiles · 10/03/2024 13:10

So you asked a question not wanting him to give an honest answer. You asked a question where you felt only one answer would be acceptable. Personally, I find that really manipulative. ‘I am goi g to ask a question but if you don’t give me the one answer I am looking for you will be at fault for hurting my feelings’
I'd be inclined to agree here. It feels manipulative.

Asking very loaded questions for the ego boost and only wanting a certain answer is a risky strategy and not very good communication.

It sounds like he's used the trap question to share something that he genuinely feels would help the relationship.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/03/2024 13:14

You ended up having an actual real understanding of what your husband thinks.

that's not what you were expecting but only you can decide what to do now.

You can ignore.

Or can decide to work on your relationship

NameChangeAgain0224 · 10/03/2024 13:16

Ignorance is never bliss when it comes to potential bumps in the road.

I understand why you are so upset OP.

Me and DH joke around all the time about how much better off his life would be without me and what his life would be like if we’d never married…..but it’s all done in jest and mutual silliness because we know it’s not the case.

If he ever said anything to me that suggested that he genuinely wouldn’t have married me (if he knew how our life would turn out) then I would be absolutely devastated. So I do get it.

My DH is massively into sport and football and stereotypically our two sons have followed his footsteps and turned out the same, and there have been points where I felt I was growing apart from the three of them. It felt like they had their unit with their mutual interests whilst I was on the sidelines and it was really hard.

As a result, about 6 months ago I embraced the situation, got myself a season ticket for the football team my family support and now every weekend I go with them to matches and scream for the team. At first it was a little bit forced but now that I see how much closer I feel to them all I’m just as genuinely invested in the matches as they are. It’s so lovely having a mutual hobby/interest that we can all connect on.

Although you are feeling upset try and take from the conversation that he has raised a wish for you to have more in common and to do more things together so perhaps you both should work on that. Sit down with him and brainstorm what new skills and hobbies you might be interested in and use that as a starting point to embark on something new together.

Don’t let your upset fester.

Tell him how you feel but also acknowledge what he said and tell him that it’s something you are willing to address as you also think it would be lovely to have a joint interest which would also allow you to have more time together as a couple.

betterangels · 10/03/2024 13:17

So you asked a question not wanting him to give an honest answer. You asked a question where you felt only one answer would be acceptable. Personally, I find that really manipulative. ‘I am going to ask a question but if you don’t give me the one answer I am looking for you will be at fault for hurting my feelings’

Agree with this. He was honest. Perhaps listen. It wasn't even that negative IMO.

SallyWD · 10/03/2024 13:22

I kind of find me can be a little too honest sometimes! You wanted a resounding yes, but actually your question made him think and respond honestly. I don't think he sounds unhappy - just acknowledging the differences and how you can't be in the honeymoon phase forever.
I would avoid asking these types of questions really. For example, I wouldn't ask DH if I was his dream woman or something because he'd probably have a serious think about it and then tell me it would be great if I looked more like Angelina Jolie or something.

WaltzingWaters · 10/03/2024 13:22

I can see why you’re hurt about this. But try to see this as a positive - use this to find a hobby that you can enjoy together. Try new things together. Have fun with it!

mydogisthebest · 10/03/2024 13:24

I don't think you were wrong to ask the question. Obviously you thought he felt the same way as you do but sadly he doesn't.

Oblomov24 · 10/03/2024 13:29

I'm surprised by so many posters thinking it's a loaded question. If I was asked it I'd say, god yes, best thing I ever did. Because my Dh is a diamond. (Gets on my nerves sometimes, but anyone would Wink).

Nicebloomers · 10/03/2024 13:32

DemelzaandRoss · 10/03/2024 12:54

Sorry that you’re hurt.
I notice DH seems to want you to engage in activities you don’t particularly want to.
There has to be compromise here, he will need to accompany you in things he might not be interested in.
Making it feel like it’s all your fault.

I thought this too. He’s putting the onus on you liking the things he likes. It’s definitely a 2-way street. Also there’s nothing wrong with spending time apart as long as when you are together you have a lovely relationship. So in essence whilst you asked a rather loaded question that you really shouldn’t have, he has thought only about himself.

DanielGault · 10/03/2024 13:33

How does he treat you day to day? Do you feel loved and respected? Are you a team? That should be your focus really. The question was a bit odd and put him on the spot. If you're not happy, that's a reason for deeper introspection, but really in and of itself it's a waste of mental energy to get upset over this.