Asked DH if he'd marry me again

[ChoccieEgg49]

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

I don’t think that’s true at all. I love my bloke to bits but my answer would be very similar. I wish I was married to someone who loves travel, art and theatre as much as I do. It would be lovely but I indulge those interests with friends or alone. That doesn’t make me love him any less or wish I hadn’t married him.

The question was ' would you marry me again?'

So yes, it does put the focus on the person to think about oneself in the answer. You'd expect that.

He’s given you an honest answer. And why not consider it seriously? It sounds like he’d like to do more activities together. If you want to have a good marriage into old age I’d keep talking to him about this; and what you could do together

Wow I'm surprised by these responses, I think yanbu, it was a light hearted question and he way overthought it.

Either he wants to remain married to you or he doesn't.

If he does, a "yes of course love. What shall we do for lunch?" would have been totally sufficient.

If he isn't happy with the marriage, he needs to stop being a whiny coward, shake off the inertia and make changes to it or leave.

If he wants to do more hobbies with you, he can initiate that day-to-day, maybe start a new conversation about that, but this conversation starter was not a suitable time to bring that up. Far too loaded.

Staying married to you, but grinding down your self esteem, isn't good at all.

I do see what you’re saying. I suppose my head just hears something different with that response. Also, that’s not really what OP was asking in my view.

Any question that contains an impossibility should always be treated light heartedly.

One can't turn back time. It's impossible. So answer in the spirit of the question, which was basically just an affectionate triviality.

It's like that viral "would you still love me if I were a worm"

Staying married to you, but grinding down your self esteem, isn't good at all

Grinding her down by saying he'd like to spend more time with her doing things that they both enjoy together?

Gosh, her bloke really needs to work on his emotionally abusive bastard schtick doesn't he? Because he sucks at it.

This is an essentially a post saying, 'My H says he wants to spend more time with me, doing stuff we both like. I'm so hurt.'

I mean really!

I'm the first to call out a twatty H, but this man is not it.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I don't think it's necessarily that. I think he probably has an analytical mind. He was looking at your question objectively when what you were looking for was an instant emotional answer.

My husband asks this sort of question reasonably often. Because I don't want to lie, I fudge the answer (I usually ask if it matters after 30 years of marriage, or give a suitably vague answer. If I think he might otherwise lose his temper, I joke about having to marry him because I loved his dog.). As it happens, I wouldn't marry him again, or even give him the time of day, and him getting all needy and demanding validation from me is hugely irritating.

However, if he had never abused me, lied to me or controlled me, then I would probably say "yes, but I do wish we did more together". OP, your husband sounds like a decent man, so you should be able to talk to him about this. He might be having doubts, but he might just have been irritated by the question, and you can only find out by asking him.

But that was not the time to bring up how he wants to do more hobbies with her. He turned a small thingy (joint hobbies) into a big existential problem about the marriage.

What was he hoping for - hoping op would start doing more hobbies, or hoping op's self esteem would be crushed?

Because if he was hoping for option A, there are far far better ways of going about it.

If he was hoping for option B (crushing op's self esteem), he did it great, spot on

There are worse regrets that he could have expressed than not spending enough spare time with you. My husband loves hiking and would love me to go with him. If he was asked this I bet he would say something similar. But that doesn't mean he would rather be married to someone else just so that he could go hiking with them. We have a whole life together that he really values, and a whole world of shared jokes and interests. Just not... hiking.

So his the bad guy for answering…as his trying to destroy her self esteem.

Maybe if op wanted an ego boost she should have asked what does he love about her.

Nothing more tiring than those would you still love me if… would you still be with me if… if you could change one thing about us/me what would it be…

They are all questions designed to get your partner to just tell you how great you are, or feed you ammo to make them the problem or issue when they tell the truth but don’t like it.

Get the right answer doesn’t mean the partner means it. Get the wrong answer run off to friends / family about how horrible partner is because …. Or just be mopey and sulky and make partner feel bad for being honest and now they feel they must tiptoe around.

Can people honestly not see the difference?

Imagine op's dh one day started a new conversation "I was thinking, op, I wish we spent more time together on the weekends. Don't you think you might like playing golf if you tried?" - Nice, affectionate, hopefully effective.

Rather than as a response to "Honeybun, I'd marry you again, wouldn't you?" "Ahem, well, stwictly speaking if I'd known you'd never play croquet then I'd probably not bothered"

Ffs two completely different actions with entirely different outcomes.

Any joint croquet they play going forward would be tinged by sadness and guilty obligation.

Op, your husband is at worst cruel, at best an idiot

Wow I'm surprised by these responses, I think yanbu, it was a light hearted question and he way overthought it.

IMO it's the complete opposite. I think it's a pretty loaded question and it's actually quite manipulative to ask it.

Ouch. But yes, don’t ask a question if you are likely to be utterly crushed if you get anything but the one particular answer you want. You were fishing for something, you weren’t genuinely asking.

It doesn’t sound like he was being cruel. He was answering in good faith.

If you’d wanted to have a positive conversation on this kind of topic, it would be much better to go into it by telling your DH that you had been thinking and if you were to go back in time, you’d definitely marry him.

The thing about posing it as a question is that it feels like opening up a ‘we shouldn’t have married each other’ conversation. Anyone would pause and think in response to this kind of question.

Imagine op's dh one day started a new conversation "I was thinking, op, I wish we spent more time together on the weekends. Don't you think you might like playing golf if you tried?" - Nice, affectionate, hopefully effective.

But given that the OP says she's not the gym bunny type, her answer could just as easily been 'no I know I wouldn't like it'. Would that be any more helpful than her DH's reaction here? Would she look at that answer from DH's pov?

Even that though is inviting a response of some sort. It's just a stupid conversation to have really. Unless you're planning on a divorce! No good can come of it really.

I think it’s a testament to your marriage that he felt he could give an honest answer.

Of course it’s upsetting but I would see it as a kick up the arse. He’s communicating what he’d like for a happier marriage and it’s up to you if you want to fulfil that.

Sorry, I find it really hard to see the logic in this somewhat paranoid interpretation.

She asked a question that called on him to reflect on his feelings about the marriage. And he did. He answered in a positive way which expressed a desire to spend more time together.

I disagree.

He literally JUST said that he wished they did more together.

-If he answered with a lie, he's being deceptive.
-If he answers with the truth, he's cruel or an idiot.

For all we know, he might have been suggesting rambles, cinema, archery... or whatever took his fancy, every day for the whole marriage. Maybe he goes out running daily, and OP has never asked whether she could join him.

I don't see how this is any different than any other 'affirmation' question...

"OP dear, I actually think you'd look better in the red dress"
vs
"DH, does my bum look big in this black dress?"...
... "Yes it does"

Because OP was asking with an expectation of positivity. She got the truth. I'm not sure how he could have answered it more tactfully either.

Hi OP, YANBU to be feeling hurt, but as others have said I think you can turn this into a positive thing.

Have you heard of the love languages? His response makes me think that quality time together is his love language. Maybe you're more about words or actions?

You don't need to become a gym bunny but maybe use this as an opportunity to think about ways you can spend time together that will be enjoyable for both of you.

My God, I find this bitter interpretation absolute bonkers. Not to mention dishonest as the H never actually said what you are claiming.

OP, if you want to wreck you marriage, believe this poster's interpretation.

Why is that not the time?

She asked a question. He answered it honestly. She set the time by asking.

It was a loaded question that only one response would have been acceptable. If you don’t want to hear what people say, don’t ask them a question about it.

Your silly question? Wow.