Asked DH if he'd marry me again

[ChoccieEgg49]

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

I think it was one of those random 'wonderings' that weren't meant to be taken too seriously or thought about too deeply.

OP was hoping for a lighthearted "of course I would" - if he had just done this it would all have passed over in seconds.

If DH asked me that question I would genuinely answer as above and that is truly how I feel however had I paused and really delved into it might I say I wish he enjoyed the same type of music as me or going to musical theatre shows or might he wish he could discuss his sports interests with me? Yes, we could but I don't think the question warranted such analysis when, at heart, I love him very much despite the fact we have different interests.

It’s possible you just asked that question at the wrong time.

It sounds like the question of you not doing certain hobbies with him is a gripe of his. I’m sure you have similar ones about him.

But if you’d both just come back from doing something really fun together and had been having a lot of laughs and chat -his answer would probably been more in line what you hoped he’d say.

Perhaps reframe this and think of it as an opportunity for you to address this issue together. He may need to understand that couples not doing things together is perfectly normal for some couples. Or it may be that his current hobbies don’t interest you, but you both could find something that you like to do together.

Only you can know if his expectations are too high or yours aren’t high enough.

In some ways, it's not unreasonable to ask, as long as it's a genuine question and you acknowledge that you may hear an answer that you don't like.

If you ask a question where you've already decided that only a "yes" answer is acceptable or tolerable, then it isn't really a question - it's a test.

I think the way you take this depends on the context of the conversation before you asked.

You said you were chatting about couples in general-was this like "those two are so incompatible, they have nothing in common"?

Because then his answer makes sense.

Trouble here is you have asked a question you loaded with emotion; DH has given a logical answer.

What was it about the conversation you were having that made you need reassurance?

I would tell him-calmly-you feel upset by his answer-and why. He has probably no idea this has upset you.

Exactly this ^

Also, if you think you're a good wife because you're honest, have a laugh and you cook.....well 🤣🙄

It's a shame you don't want to improve your marriage with this new information

Stoicism!

For people who say "it's important to be honest" about everything, please learn nuance, and think about the outcomes of your words.

There are certain questions that aren't looking for a long winded "honest" answer. The spirit of the question was a light hearted affectionate triviality.

Compare questions like "I made curry for tonight is that ok"
"Would you rather be a dog or a cat"
"Would you love me if I were a worm"
"Do you think Kim Kardashian's prettier than me"
"Will you still need me/feed me when I'm 64"

They're throwaway questions requiring throwaway answers. Respond yes dear, fine, no love, of course, cockatoo/kangaroo/Malibu, as required.

Another example of a question like this is "if you won the lottery would you halve it with me/buy me a house in Hampstead".

Statistically, lottery winners' marriages tend to fail. The "honest" answer is probably "well chances are we'd blow most of it on divorce lawyers" or similar.

But you're never going to win the lottery so a better answer is "yes hun I'd fly us to the moon and build us a house there, now let's see what on telly".

Impossible questions deserve impossible answers

😂😭

This is like going through a partners phone… don’t do it unless you want to find something to be upset about.

I have definitely read this OP before. Quite a while ago I think....

I just asked my dh of 4 years (10 years altogether) if he'd marry me again and he didn't pause for a millisecond, he just grinned and said "yes!!!"

That's what married couples should say! That's what OP was expecting, so he has been hiding his true feelings from OP, and that is not fair!

I'm sorry for you OP. Maybe he needs to work on your marriage if he has a problem, instead of hiding.

Mumoftwo1312
None of those are comparable to a trick gotcha question asking your spouse what OP did.
Asking your spouse if they'd love you as a worm is funny.
Asking a spouse if they'd still marry you knowing what they know about you now is inviting them to reflect on the relationship and on the surface is a reflective question.

Though personally I don't think the Kim Kardashian question is funny/lighthearted either. Personally I think that's also fishing for compliments in a manipulative way and I'd be willing to be that the man in that situation wouldn't be able to win because only a very insecure woman would do that sort of thing. If he says "no you're the most beautiful woman that's ever existed and I never notice anyone's attractiveness" then she'll probably accuse him of lying. If he says that KK is attractive then she'll probably sulk and claim he's really hurt her feelings.

Unfortunately when insecure people ask fishing questions in the hope they get the response they want, there's a chance their partners aren't going to mind read and play the game "correctly".

I'd hate to feel like DH was testing me all the time. It would be exhausting.

After 30 years of marriage I’d say no, I’d not marry him again. But if you’d asked me 10+ years ago I’d have said yes. And if I’d not married him I wouldn’t have my kids.
The answer now is very different to 10/20/27years ago.

I asked DH - he didn't say anything romantic either, just 'I told you when I proposed, you're stuck with me for good. Thick and thin and all that.' He did smile. 🙄

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Real life isn't the staged, pre planned Tik Toks of married couples relentlessly fawning over each other like teenagers.

Me too.
Dh and I have little in common.
He’s sporty and a foodie. I’m not.
When I asked him he said ‘Of course I would.’
FWIW we’ve been married 40 years.

That’s not how communication works.

Thats how communication works when you think everyone thinks like you.

Some of us, hate being asked questions that aren’t questions. Some of us don’t like hints for compliments. Because we either don’t pick up on or might compliment the wrong thing.

Why is it up to one group of people to just know what to say when we are asked questions that aren’t questions. Why do they need to play along? Why isn’t it up to the other person to not ask an open question if there is only one exact answer that will be accepted?

I genuinely couldn’t be arsed with having conversations like ‘would you love me if I was worm/kangeroo etc?’. That’s something a child would say.

This was a test. Except he didn’t know.

But now everyone wants to give it recover an answer that is simply one that said ‘because that’s what married couples should say’.

I just don't think it's that deep honestly. Calling these questions manipulation, even the Kardashian one, is way overthinking it.

I've recently asked dh idly, when I was looking in the mirror getting ready "do you think I'm still young-looking or have I really aged since having the kids" and he replied without looking up "young definitely, not a day over 21"

A separate time I was looking at photos on my phone and there was one from before we had kids and I showed him and laughingly asked if he recognised us and he laughed and said we'd aged 10 years in 5. (I agreed.)

That's what spouses do. I know he was joking both times. I don't even need a literal answer, I'm just making idle chit chat.

If he'd gone all serious and gave "honest" analytical answers about how lack of sleep depletes collagen etc, it wouldn't have matched the spirit of my question at all.

How hurtful OP, it's opened up a can of worms hasn't it.

It's the sort of thing I ask DH now and then just because I enjoy the answer so much.

I think you need to ask him again how much store you should set by it, though. He might have been coming at it all kinds of angles, e.g. ... he loves you and couldn't possibly imagine life without you, even though you might not be the obvious choice based on hobbies and interests.

He might be appalled to know you think he's "settled."

Or he might hope you will share more interests with him.

Or, worst case scenario, you don't quite have the intimacy you thought you had.

Knowing the truth, whatever it is, is only going to help you create a brighter future, so try not to be afraid and ask him.

Spectacularly stupid question to ask.

Never ask a question that you don't want an honest answer to.

Well I guess my dh is a different type than you - that's why I married him. I know he knows I just need a throwaway answer.

Op's dh just can't "read the room".

The worm thing isn't something I made up, it's an old meme

If my DH asked that question he knows what answer he'd get!

No wonder you were hurt. Take it on the chin.

Buy your selves some hiking boots.
Also start doing something that you have thought you'd like to do together. Be it sauna and swim, ballroom dancing, or water colours.

Why is it, do you think, that DH has never suggested, hiking?

I don't think yabu. I'm sure most of us would think he'd say "of course I would".