Hiding from uninvited guests

[CrazyCatMom]

My mom texted me today to let me know that her sister and brother-in-law (my aunt and uncle) are visiting today (they live approx. 3hrs away) as it is Mother’s Day tomorrow and they want to see my Grandmother.

I live round the corner from mom, and she said they are likely to want to “pop in” and say hello to me too.

Context: I am 39 weeks pregnant, husband is at work and I have a blissful day planned of playing videogames and eating my weight in custard creams.

So I have moved my car off the drive (to a nearby side road), closed the curtains and locked the doors and will be pretending to be “out” until I am sure they have left!

Btw - what really and seriously used to F me off big style was some of my siblings and their family would give us good warning they are coming poss staying the night - fine as we told them come of Friday pm or sat as we worked weedays - but guess what - we'd have food ready etc as they indicate arring noon-ish and arrive at 67pm - a cosuing sis of min came from Bradford - told us the day before they will be visiting x in London then us by 3pm - they arrived just after 7, we had the food ready etc had to be reheated - normally I ask them to stop the night but on that night we did not - we rarely visit the other now its just seeing the other at events

I second this.

It would cover things like

’happy with my own little family’
gets into pyjamas as soon as in from work daily
visitors require 48 hours’ notice to make house ‘visitor-ready’
obsession with cleaning
friends are ‘too much drama’
no middle ground between chronic, secretly resentful people-pleasing and exploding, followed by ‘going NC’
school run regarded with horror
School WhatsApp groups regarded with horror
play dates regarded with horror
social invitations regarded with horror
wedding invitations regarded as acts of war

etc.

There are family members I give a wide berth and/or can only take in small doses. I have a cousin who is nice but she is very religious and talks a lot about Jesus and the bible. I still remember her throwing a b’day party for her daughter and the party bags were filled with scriptures, a Jesus fish necklace and nothing else. I’ve never seen children so disappointed at a birthday party.

Conversations with her is politely listening as she talks at me about whatever comes to mind and inserts something about scripture. She does not have my home address.

I’ve done exactly the same as you before OP, I don’t like unexpected / uninvited visitors either. When I’m lounging around at home I don’t look fit to be seen in my mismatched slobby clothes. Plus the house is likely to be messy and I would do a good house clean beforehand if I had planned visitors.

I would do exactly the same and I'm definitely not pregnant, I just hate visitors. Have a lovely day.

@CrazyCatMom hey I used to do that all the time cos my mil used to "pop" round every evening after her work then go get her hubby from his work and come back to mine again!!! really pissed me off!!!!

Nothing wrong at all and enjoy your day relaxing and I would hate someone just popping in expecting to be entertained when I had my day already planned out. Spent years doing what others wanted now just do what I want and please myself.

Don't forget the selfish bastards who hate you enough to buy you a bunch of flowers (allergies excluded of course).

MN can break this down into at least 12 steps of unwelcome drudgery somewhat akin to forced labour whereas most of us would just say "what beautiful flowers, thank you" and put them in a vase.

Lord this post gave me the shivers. I was brought up with my mother doing this whenever she thought any of her sisters would come around. I stayed with my parents in October (they live in Australia and I have not stayed there since 2018) and the last 2 days of my visit because my aunt was in town staying with a friend we spent the entire 2 days hiding inside with curtains drawn, lights off and not answering the phone.

My mother is 75. I am 51. This sort of behaviour was normal when i was growing up.

I am asking you OP. Please do not spend the rest of your life concocting stupid scenarios and stupid situations where you hide like this. It's NOT normal. It's fucking mental. Assert your boundaries NOW.

'Sorry, I don't want a visit today I'm not feeling up to it'.

Trust me- the situation I described above wound me up a very great deal.

I'm not even going to go into all the elaborate bizarre excuses lies my mother spouts out over the years to avoid situations. It's always a complete shitshow.

I am so glad I don't have too many relatives. I completely understand you, OP. I can't stand when people feel like dropping round and yapping on about some nonsense when I just want to chill out (old people are especially bad for it) Ignore the people who say you are being mean, I bet they wouldn't want to talk to boring old relatives any more than you do. They just enjoy being sanctimonious.

This is why I love my house. Its a conversion and there's my neighbours flat on the ground floor then I'm on the floors above. Also no way to get to the back of the house. Plus with steps up to the front door and high ceilings, I'm quite high up.

So no one can ever see if I'm home or not. Unless I was to stand literally in front of one of the front windows, which I never do. Its the best hiding place ever 😂

I don't blame you OP, do you what you need to do!

This is actually insane.
Surely you could have given them a cup of tea and then said you had to be somewhere?

Just wondering if there is any crossover between the plethora of non-door openers here on MN and the astonishing amount of people on here who have no one to help them in an emergency, not a relative or friend..

I have never met either in my very long life . But I guess you reap what you sow.

My aunt used to do this if it wasn't a good time, as the only way my mother would get the hint was if all the curtains were closed / no car on the drive.
Well done you for putting yourself first.

Why did you not just tell her to let them know you’ll be out all day/be busy with something else and to not bother popping round?

Surely it’s easier for everyone
involved.

If you are close to them I would have said you will go and visit them at hers instead.

It depends, have you got relatives that wouldn't actually take no for an answer and would just 'pop in'? Because I would hate that, especially at 39 weeks, I'd feel like they were all on labour watch tbh.

Why should she? She obviously didn't feel like engaging at all. 'A cup of tea' might have dragged on. And for the people who say that she should just have said no don't realise that some people can't be said no to. The only thing I would have done differently is actually said that I would be out, and then hidden the care etc. to bear that out just in case they came around anyway.

I’ll be doing the same tomorrow, even moving my car now that you’ve given me the idea!

MIL has decided that she needs to see dc before they go on a school trip (not leaving until March 23rd). DH will be out being wined at dined at the rugby, both dc will be out (work and sport). I have asked DH to tell MIL to come another time. I find Mother’s Day very difficult so will absolutely not be answering the door to her.

Why when she doesn’t want to?

I read this as "hiding from uninvited ghosts"! 😆

Depends on the ghost. Thomas I'd make an exception for, if he stopped bloody moping.

Because life isn't all about what you want and being bloody rude and selfish with family.

Exactly this. I don’t like surprise guests but I would do my best to be hospitable.

I think this is a brilliant idea! I wish I would have thought of it sooner

I guess maybe I'm one of those MN extreme people. I decided at some point I would never have anyone in my house again.

There are many reasons for this considering, messes for me to clean up, theft, overstaying, verbal abuse, and criticism, but the main one is the most important.

My home is now a sanctuary for me, and I do not want it violated by other people's energy.

Why is it 'rude and selfish' to not want to spend the afternoon with relatives? Honestly, the sanctimony on here is mindboggling. Why is the OP the one who should give up what she wants, why are the aunt and uncle allowed to 'drop in' just because they feel like it. I am sorry for the OP that she can't just say no, but she clearly can't, so this is the next best thing.

I can't get my head around the fact that even tho you told them you'd be out...they still arrived.
Bordering on CF tactics ....