Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my attitude on this 1st date?

362 replies

ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:03

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP posts:
MaryasBible · 09/03/2024 08:05

Ick. Well done for having strong boundaries OP. YANBU.

BobbyBiscuits · 09/03/2024 08:09

It's kind of cheeky, but surely he was half joking/ flirting. He didn't expect an actual answer, like 'Oh I've got several 16 inch dildos so I'm sorted.' Or, 'Oh, I'm really into visiting male escorts'. I suppose he was trying to get you to say you were gagging for sex as you've been single for 3 years. So yeah, I guess he got his answer. A firm NO. Hopefully he will realise this approach isn't ideal.

LittleGreenDragons · 09/03/2024 08:09

Wow, he was pushing the boundaries a bit. Perhaps that was his intention as it reminds me of the shark cage theory. I can't find the link right now but I think your friend might benefit from reading it.

Mumdiva99 · 09/03/2024 08:10

Seems like a reasonable question to me.
Although you could have said that was too personal to answer and changed the subject.
As long as he was happy with that- what's the issue?

Mummadeze · 09/03/2024 08:12

I think I would have explained to him that his queen add me uncomfortable as opposed to just walking out. But over the top from point of view.

Changingplace · 09/03/2024 08:13

Good for you, he made you uncomfortable why sit around wasting any more time on him.

Hillrunning · 09/03/2024 08:14

I think given that you mentioned one night stands, which are a form of sex not a form of dating, his question does seem all that out of line.

Chipandcheese · 09/03/2024 08:15

You did the right thing, OP. I'm no prude but he crossed a line with that question. It was rude and disrespectful. It's the kind of thing your mate would ask and you'd both have banter but this man was a complete stranger, it was the first time you'd met him.

Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:16

Mumdiva99 · 09/03/2024 08:10

Seems like a reasonable question to me.
Although you could have said that was too personal to answer and changed the subject.
As long as he was happy with that- what's the issue?

I think it is a reasonable question but depending on who he asks and his motives?
I’m not his bro in the locker room

Even if it was pure out of curiosity, it shows me he has no emotional intelligence to ask this to a woman 1 hour into the first date, especially since there were no sexual undertones to our exchanges ever.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 09/03/2024 08:18

On the one hand a majorly cheeky question. You felt it crossed your boundaries which is fair.

On the other hand I have a high sex drive so I prefer discussing sex early.

If we're not on the same page with sex there's not much point in dating.

ZenNudist · 09/03/2024 08:19

You were on a date. I don't think that's an unreasonable question. Maybe a bit tactless but I wouldn't have walked out at that.

It may be that you were incompatible. He is most likely on the date thinking of you as a potential sexual partner and you were not remotely thinking of sex.

You will get a lot of well done for having boundaries comments but how do you expect to find anyone if you don't give them a chance?

I admit dating looks like a nightmare and you've got to have standards but I'd sooner walk straight out due to finding them unattractive than this made up reason than daring to ask about sex life on a date with a potential sexual partner.

Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:20

Hillrunning · 09/03/2024 08:14

I think given that you mentioned one night stands, which are a form of sex not a form of dating, his question does seem all that out of line.

I did not mention ONS to him
I said I was single 3 years
Than he wanted to clarify what I meant by single 3 years…relationship / commitment? FWB? ONS? just dates?
and I said ‘nothing’

OP posts:
Herdinggoats · 09/03/2024 08:20

He made you uncomfortable which is reason enough to go.

Haydenn · 09/03/2024 08:23

ZenNudist · 09/03/2024 08:19

You were on a date. I don't think that's an unreasonable question. Maybe a bit tactless but I wouldn't have walked out at that.

It may be that you were incompatible. He is most likely on the date thinking of you as a potential sexual partner and you were not remotely thinking of sex.

You will get a lot of well done for having boundaries comments but how do you expect to find anyone if you don't give them a chance?

I admit dating looks like a nightmare and you've got to have standards but I'd sooner walk straight out due to finding them unattractive than this made up reason than daring to ask about sex life on a date with a potential sexual partner.

Lots of men on dating apps are just looking for FWB and ONS. If someone asked me “what I do about sex?” Within a few hours of meeting on a first date I would assume that they were trying to suss out the likelihood that they could shift me into that camp.

Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:25

Josette77 · 09/03/2024 08:18

On the one hand a majorly cheeky question. You felt it crossed your boundaries which is fair.

On the other hand I have a high sex drive so I prefer discussing sex early.

If we're not on the same page with sex there's not much point in dating.

Then I guess he should have discussed sex over text prior to first date to gauge compatibility before wasting both our times

Oh and my profile pics a pretty vanilla and I dress very modestly too and I know this has nothing to do with sex drive but if he needs to know sexual compatibility within 1 hour of meeting - wow - can he not feel a vibe or does he not know how to build this up?

So many other ways he could have assessed compatibility

OP posts:
ALLthecheeses · 09/03/2024 08:25

Herdinggoats · 09/03/2024 08:20

He made you uncomfortable which is reason enough to go.

This. Why would you continue a date with a man who makes you feel uncomfortable?

Pheasantsmate · 09/03/2024 08:25

@ZenNudist god forbid a woman on a dating app should want to be charmed a bit and romanced! Just because you’re on a dating app doesn’t mean you need to explain your sexual history to a stranger within a few hours of meeting for the first time.

RaininSummer · 09/03/2024 08:26

It was a crass question presented bluntly like that but walking out seems way over the top to me.

skippy2024 · 09/03/2024 08:27

If you felt the ick then good on you for leaving.

Picklestop · 09/03/2024 08:28

RaininSummer · 09/03/2024 08:26

It was a crass question presented bluntly like that but walking out seems way over the top to me.

I think this. It would certainly have made me stop to think do I want to see this person again and I might have even wrapped the date up sooner, but I don’t think I would have walked out there and then.

Seagrassbasket · 09/03/2024 08:29

I mean I don’t think I’d have walked out. It seems like quite a strong reaction. He may have been wondering if you are asexual or something, or thinking eeek maybe she’s not really bothered about sex then? And thinking whether he’s still interested in you if you’re not on the same page about sex. It was probably a clumsy way of trying to open up a bit of a discussion about it. Particularly if none of the conversation had been flirty at that point. If he was a sex pest (and that’s really off putting) I think you’d have seen a glimpse of it before then.

Ultimately though it made you uncomfortable and you removed yourself from the situation, so good for you.

duckcalledbill · 09/03/2024 08:30

What was his reaction when you walked out?

Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:30

RaininSummer · 09/03/2024 08:26

It was a crass question presented bluntly like that but walking out seems way over the top to me.

That is the point though

If he is crass and blunt like that why would I want anything to do with him?

OP posts:
Toblerbone · 09/03/2024 08:31

You thought his question was unacceptable so you were right to leave. Your friend would have been okay with it. That's fine - we all want different things in a partner. There's no right or wrong here but only what is right for you.

WoodBurningStov · 09/03/2024 08:33

If it gave you the ick and you didn't like it then you did the right thing to leave. Doesn't matter if it was that question or asking you about the weather, if had the same effect, then good for you.

I do find it a tad dramatic to just walk out, I'd have probably said something like it's not working for me and then leave. The bloke was probably sat there scratching his head thinking 'wft' and that he'd had a lucky escape.