my attitude on this 1st date?

[ricollete]

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

A bit ott in my opinion.

Because he might have backtracked and apologised? Tone is everything here and as PP said it might have been a semi-serious question that he didn't really expect you to answer. If it made YOU uncomfortable you were right to end the date.
I'd personally have laughed it off and taken it in jest. And I've been a victim of sexual assault. If he carried on digging despite you indicating your discomfort I'd say walking out is completely justified. But not this.

It’s perfectly reasonable to have boundaries and enforce them. It’s perfectly reasonable to find sex talk inappropriate that early on. But I find this seemingly new ethos of blocking/walking out/ghosting really weird and self-interested.

Did you not give any thought to how crushing it is for a human being to be so roundly, wordlessly and publicly rejected like that, the humiliation that must have caused him? He shouldn’t have caused you discomfort like that, but your offense to him was disproportionate.

You were well within your rights to flag to him how rude he was, how uncomfortable he was making you. But that kind of dramatic rejection and humiliation is something that is likely to have cut him very deeply, and very personally, in a way his remarks to you didn’t.

Everyone is so dramatic these days and, quite frankly, self-interested. “If you slight me in any small way I will block you and reject you with no conversation about it at all, and with no regard to how that feels for you, or the longer term effects of this on you.”

I think it’s awful.

Backtracking and apologising would make zero difference - for me it was more about mismatch personalities and mindset.

If anything, now thinking about it, I did him a favour, saved him from hearing a lecture, being embarassed, made to feel wrong, apologising for who he is.

To be clear, I didn’t create a scene, didn’t storm off, my face and demenour was so neutral and quite cool - not even rushed

You know when you are watching something very uninteresting and then you just switch the TV off? That is how it felt like when he came up with that question

I didn’t feel angry, offended, outrageous, none of that
It was literally a feeling of ‘why bother’?

Well, maybe I should have said ‘bye’ at least

Why bother? You turned him off like you turn off a TV? What a way to talk.

He’s a human being OP. With feelings and flaws. The more you write the less I’m on your side.

Sometimes not saying a word is the best form of communication. In this case, there was nothing left to be said - OP behaved very practically.

Women need to stop just saying something because that's "polite" - rude, crass men need not to be graced with politeness.

If me and him had some kind of relationship I would agree with you but since we were virtually strangers than no.

If he is so sensitive like you say then maybe it is time for him to seek some professional help.

It is not my job to go out of my way to flag to him what he did wrong by me, leaving quietly expressed everything

Why is blocking self absorbing? It really isn’t. We dont have automatic rights to access people, especially from an app we earn it or we lose it

Exactly.

@ricollete Giving you the benefit of the doubt here - maybe you've had sexual trauma or other issues that have caused this reaction.

There are some things that are obviously rude and crass. An obviously racist remark for example ("XX race is stupid"). But IMO this could have been misconstrued.

You're didn't have to lecture /embarrass him just say that the comment is uncomfortable and you no longer wish to continue with the date. That's all.

Anyway, I see no further point in posting here, you're very convinced that you're right. And if you don't get it what others are trying to say, well... you don't.

FYI I'm no shrinking violet - I'm quite blunt and take swift action. I don't flounce, however. And I don't have a black and white view of the world - actions aren't either GOOD or BAD like in a fairy-tale - there are many shades of grey.

And did he see me as a human being or as a woman who he could take from even if it was my intimate private time information?

I would think he was flirting on a date. I'd have laughed and said "well it's amazing what you can get on the Internet". But if he gave you the ick then no problem that you left. Be the way, I don't think there is any way a date is supposed to go - DH met, had a drink, went to his and had sex. Still together 30 years later.

Absolutely no sexual trauma and very happy and fulfilling relationships in the past

It is people with trauma who struggle with deflecting, people pleasing, fear of being perceived as rude etcetcetc

You say that, but you've gone very strongly the other way -cutting out anything immediately. Saying something isn't deflecting, people pleasing, etc.
Maybe the drudgery of online dating is getting to you? 😄

Op I really don't understand why you're still posting. You are absolutely convinced that you behaved reasonably and aren't willing to take on any other views so what's the point in continuing to explain/argue?

I think he was flirting. Maybe badly, but he didn't say anything overtly awful that justified your reaction IMO.

I'm with pp that it was just a bit cruel. Imagine if you made a flirty comment at an attractive man you really liked. He didn't even respond, or give you the chance to apologise, just impassively got up and left as you did.

You'd feel awful.

He might be a complete creep and you've had a lucky escape. He might be the nicest guy you've ever met and you've missed out on a lifelong romance because of a clumsy comment. You don't know because you didn't give him a chance.

Goodness me op, you’re even going ott on this thread, it’s gone into batshit land, did he see you as a human, simply by asking what you did for sex?

you sound really prudish and uptight to me, I’d have laughed and said none of your business. I mean I read your op, thought ok bit ott but fair enough, then I read the rest of your comments and thought good lord.

Well you’ll never know now will you, since you just “switched him off” like “an app”, not like a human, and you’ll never find out what he thought of you, or what he felt, or if he was sorry, or if he even understood why you stalked off.

He doesn’t sound likely to have been deserving of much more of your time, for sure, but he was certainly deserving of at least a very basic level of respect.

Nope
OLD is fun and I have met a lot of interesting men and have had some very good dates so far

Then you did the right thing. I loathed an online date on the spot because when he sat down he ‘manspreaded’ and sat back in a way I found arrogant. I didn’t get up and walk out as it was a short lunchtime meet but I might well have if he’d started talking about sex.

So why were you on a new one? If they were very good?

@TheAlchemistElixa i totally agree with you - OP you sound like hard work, he offended you but is still a human being and didn't deserve such an extreme reaction from you.

The more you post, you the more you sound like hard work OP. And very cold.

Op. Can you not see it he asked a question, either a valid one or a flirty one, but it made you feel according to you hollow and empty inside , to behave incredibly rudely, and now questioning if he sees you as human.

is there no part of that you feel is ott?

Yeah. maybe the previous happy relationships were all happy in the OP's head. I find her insistence that everything is/was going swimmingly, except for this date a bit hard to believe. But I'm sure she thinks it's because we're all doormats and people pleasers 😎

I think he had a lucky escape. You massively overreacted.

Ha, I was just about to ask that. I only dipped my toe into old a few years ago for a few short weeks (wasn’t my thing) but I never understand when people say they’ve had some great dates yet they didn’t go anywhere. All my great dates in real life led to relationships (which is the point of a great date isn’t it?).