my attitude on this 1st date?

[ricollete]

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Most normal people don’t just drop everything and walk off when someone crosses a boundary though.

The OPs response was very odd indeed

It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You didn't like the question and you left. Well done on respecting your own boundaries.

Most normal people don’t just drop everything and walk off when someone crosses a boundary though.

💯 this.

It's quite nauseating reading all the cheerleader posts here for rude over-reactionary behaviour rather than using one's words if a boundary was crossed & dealing with it in a normal fashion (which can include finishing the date, naturally).

This x 100 ^

There’s also quite a lot of men who get off on and just enjoy making women feel uncomfortable. For me I would think his question was so far away from social norms that I would suspect he was enjoying making me feel uncomfortable.

I think some women are afraid to assert any boundaries at all when it comes to sex, for fear of being thought a prude. It’s very depressing.

There had been no sexual undertones to your previous messages?

sounds fun.

Given that dating and relationships usually involves sex it’s ok to be a bit cheeky when you’re on a date. He was hardly asking you about your favourite position or whether you like bdsm.

Very odd for you to just gather your things and walk out without a word. Very odd indeed.

I think it was probably a clumsy way of him finding out what your views were on sex, as in are you asexual…never going to have sex in a relationship etc.

Some just don't mind though. It doesn't mean their standards are low or that they're afraid.

There's a lot of cheerleading going on here which is fine, op totally should act in line with her own boundaries. But it doesn't make her some sort of hero or better/braver than anyone else.

I actually think she behaved quite rudely and in an extreme manner. Especially if the date was otherwise going well.

I agree. It's odd behaviour (and rude) to just walk off without a word.

Not unreasonable at all. Let's look at what you said - single for three years, no dates, no one night stands. So there are only two possible answers to the question 'what do you do for sex' and it's clear which one he was salaciously hoping for.🙄

This. Good luck with dating op! Crikey

I think talking positions and what you might like to do is better than asking about previous partners. I can’t see anything fun or “cheeky” about asking if you’ve been having ONS

Why not?

I've walked out of all sorts of first dates because I didn't like what a guy said.

One said he liked hunting with dogs, another said I was 'odd' because I was a veggie, another asked if my bedroom had plenty of "soft red rope", another said he didn't believe in "safe sex" - I could give a list but you get the idea.

At the time I was working a 40 hour week and wasn't prepared to waste time with someone who wasn't on the same page as I was.

I think it's fine OP. And I'm not 'cheerleading'.

What else is there to say, really? He made you feel uncomfortable.

Distasteful and ick inducing question but unbelievably dramatic to just walk out.

🤣🤣🤣

Op just trust that's how.you felt. It's not.for others to determine if everything we do is reasonable or not because different ppl will say different things! I personally agree with you. How rude. It was your first date, and that's an odd thing to think of as being relevant based on the topic. As if no one has ever been single before (and im sorry 3 years is hardly shocking) and as society we are so shocked because "what about sex" erm no... I'm sorry this isn't the first thing that should come to mind. I'm not saying you can't dicuss sex on a first date and so on but I just mean it's literally not the first thing a man should be worried about. Even if you over reacted , so what , that's how you felt and you must have felt uncomfortable, like another poster said good you have such strong boundaries.

I think people used to have the confidence to bat away questions like this, in a tone that's appropriate for the situation. Firm, humorous, whatever.

But now the default reaction is storming off.

Well done OP

He was inappropriate & made you feel uncomfortable so you left and crossed him off the list of possibles.

Perhaps he said it tounge in cheek, I did think when you grabbed your bag you were going to.pull a vibrator out and show him what you did. I think you have taken it a little too seriously, I'd have probably laught and told him not to be so nosy.

Your reaction was way over the top. Think he dodged a bullet tbh, you seem v uptight about this.

How dare a man mention the S word!

Maybe it was just a genuine question. I’d be thinking the same thing if someone told me they were 3 years single.

Also, he might have thought he had a lucky escape as I’d assume you had no interest in sex. Especially with your overreaction of walking out at the mention of the word!

Come on OP - he is allowed to ask you (knowing very well what you would say if you had answered). You have to react in a way that doesn't offend him and sit uncomfortably until the pointless date is over.
Did you think you were the man for a second and able to act on your boundaries?!

(Not serious, as I know someone may end up agreeing with me thinking it is, going by some replies).

@volie the good old days when you could have a laugh and a bit of banter, I'd have wiped the floor with him 😁