my attitude on this 1st date?

[ricollete]

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

''@EarringsandLipstick

I think just saying "I don't really feel comfortable and am going to leave" is better.

Exactly.''

No!

Women have to stop thinking they must always be apologetic and avoid hurting men's feelings at all cost.

It really is toxic thinking.

Well not all communication is done verbally so what I did communicated to him exactly what you said

If I was rude or not or if he was rude is up to individual perceptions I guess

I’m with you, OP.

Sex can be discussed of course, but within 1 hour of meeting? Nope! I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with that either and while I probably wouldn’t have walked out I most likely would have made an excuse to leave early and never look back.

Why? I'd expect a man to apologise to me if he felt he had to leave, why wouldn't a woman do the same?

Why should it be OK for women to treat men badly but complain when men do it to them?

Women have to stop thinking they must always be apologetic and avoid hurting men's feelings at all cost.

Nonsense. Where in the words I quoted is there any apology? There's none. There's a statement of thought & action.

It really is toxic thinking

Using one's words & behaving appropriately to other humans is not toxic.

not all communication is done verbally so what I did communicated to him exactly what you said

Indeed it did.

Had you paid for drinks at this point?

It was rude, there's no question. It's fine not to care about that. However, from that one question you don't know if he's a dick or just making a clumsy comment - and you've walked off & left him there.

If you found yourself in the same position, you'd be feeling embarrassed and possibly confused. It was unnecessary.

Totally agree with you. Not sure why some people are giving you a hard time on here. He would have given me the ick. Far too personal to ask on a first date.

You have boundaries and acted in a way that felt right to you.

I don't think I would have reacted the same. It wouldn't bother me that much as a stand alone comment but that's me.

Yanbu, neither is your friend who said it's an OTT reaction. We are all different.

Well done op keep those standards high.

For me it's the insinuation that he couldn't imagine living a life without sex for any amount of time. Implying he has subscribed to the myth of blue balls and men need sex to function. The entitlement.

I like my partners more intelligent self aware and self disciplined. You are absolutely free to walk out and not waste your time. It's time women stopped tip toeing around mens fragile ego's.

@Onelifeonly

Fully agree.

Having boundaries does not have to equate to treating people badly.

You were on a date though. Not at a networking event

Yes I paid for the second round of drinks
But mine was unfinished so he got more of his money’s worth if this is all some ppl can think about lol.

So 'giving you the ick' requires walking off without a word, leaving him sitting there?

The OP is fully entitled to end the date. 10 seconds to say why, and goodbye isn't compromising herself really.

If men start asking about sex on a first date unprompted you’re within your rights to end it but Tbh I wouldn’t have given him all that information on a first date. When you start revealing all sorts of intimacies like how long you’ve been single they will start getting cheeky. Giving him info about one stands has led to the sex question. I wouldn’t have been drawn on that whatsoever. My response to questions about how long I’d been single was ‘a little while’ and change the subject. They’re just trying to gauge if you’re crazy or desperate.

Yeah good point
He had been talking about his failed marriage and divorce (it was a while ago) so in a hindsight it was TMI already

Absolutely justified, if only because it's clear you're not a match with each other. I think it would have given me the ick too.

You have it in one. He was looking to see how likely a shag was

Saying that alone wouldn't have me walking off but we all have different limits, after an hour it was time to leave anyway, but was of closed the date down, I need to get home for cat/dog/child reason. I've had countless first dates where I haven't wanted to see them again, they don't get any reaction from me, I just brush it off because we haven't had the same views, compatibility or attraction. It's good to have boundaries but not let them get to you.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it crossed your boundary.

I haven’t dated for a very long time (married) but yes to me it would be inappropriate for a first date and an instant ick. Yanbu not to waste any more time after he’s put you off with something like that.

I voted wrong by accident. YANBU. Not even slightly appropriate, even if there was jokey banter beforehand. It revealed his priorities in life though, so at least you didn't waste too much time on someone who wouldn't suit you.

I admire your boundaries and encourage you to keep them strong!

Agreed! Imaging storming out every time your date breaks some arbitrary rule you've invented.

Would it be OK to confirm you were on a similar page regarding sex after 2 hours? 3? Maybe 6 months in? At what point is it OK?

Agreed

It’s totally fine that you ended the date. However, he crossed a boundary he didn’t know you had, I actually think it would be worse if he knew you well and then asked you something he knew would make you uncomfortable. I also would be shocked and wanting to know more if someone had not had sex for three years as I also couldn’t imagine that. He made a faux pas that showed you clearly aren’t compatible, but you were deliberately rude in my opinion.

By all means, leave the date, but have the decency to let him know where he went wrong. Some people struggle with social norms etc and everyone has different boundaries (I have married friends who slept together within hours of meeting and remain extremely happy to this day) so I don’t think he did anything wrong he just did something you didn’t like. Whereas I think anyone walking out on a date without explaining is rude, and actually calling someone out on inappropriate behaviour is one of the only ways to challenge that behaviour. You didn’t owe him an apology or anymore of your time, but I think you could have simply said that him communicating in that way to you made you uncomfortable and you clearly aren’t right for each other.

She DID give him a chance, hence why they were on a date.

You don’t need to be guilt tripped into explaining your sex life to a literal stranger OP, perfectly reasonable to be put off by the question.