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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my attitude on this 1st date?

362 replies

ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:03

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP posts:
paintingvenice · 09/03/2024 08:34

RaininSummer · 09/03/2024 08:26

It was a crass question presented bluntly like that but walking out seems way over the top to me.

Why should she stay? She doesn’t owe this man anything? She doesn’t have to provide him with an evening’s entertainment. Sit there, smile prettily for him and laugh at his jokes. Why waste her time just to make a man who made her uncomfortable feels better about himself?

Why do we set women up to appease and defer to men? Hopefully next time this bloke won’t be such a creep.

Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:34

Seagrassbasket · 09/03/2024 08:29

I mean I don’t think I’d have walked out. It seems like quite a strong reaction. He may have been wondering if you are asexual or something, or thinking eeek maybe she’s not really bothered about sex then? And thinking whether he’s still interested in you if you’re not on the same page about sex. It was probably a clumsy way of trying to open up a bit of a discussion about it. Particularly if none of the conversation had been flirty at that point. If he was a sex pest (and that’s really off putting) I think you’d have seen a glimpse of it before then.

Ultimately though it made you uncomfortable and you removed yourself from the situation, so good for you.

If he has no time to lose and waste and MUST find out within 1 hour of meeting me then I have no time to lose and waste either with someone so selfish

Anyway I’m happy with my decision

OP posts:
GreenWheat · 09/03/2024 08:34

You can end a date for whatever reason you want, but I think you were way OTT. If you're planning on dating, then you are likely to be asked plenty of questions you may not want to answer at that time. Handling them and moving the conversation on is a better tactic than walking out.

Onelifeonly · 09/03/2024 08:34

If you felt uncomfortable, then there's nothing wrong with terminating the date but maybe you jumped the gun. I think I'd have just laughed and been coy about it. Maybe only because I wouldn't have wanted to be rude or to confirm my thoughts about him. Staying for another drink wouldn't have meant you were committed to anything.

Copasetic · 09/03/2024 08:35

I think he's had a lucky escape.

Notmyuser · 09/03/2024 08:36

ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:30

That is the point though

If he is crass and blunt like that why would I want anything to do with him?

Show quote history

Because some people don’t mind - personally I wouldn’t be going three years without sex, and I would be concerned if my partner was able to as it would be a sign we are not compatible. I’d also not be compatible with someone who felt uncomfortable discussing sex early on.

There isn’t a right way or a wrong way, just different ways. And that’s fine.

WandaWonder · 09/03/2024 08:36

It could mean anything and people should be wary but also if people want to find something to worry about in every single thing a person says there will always be a way

Cantara · 09/03/2024 08:38

That is weird, especially 1 hour in. Well done for not lowering your standards and standing by your decision. 😊

Yawnnn · 09/03/2024 08:39

It sounds like he's misread given that a conversation about being single/FWB/ONS was happening. I think the only circumstances I wouldnt have felt uncomfortable with this question is if there was loads of sexual chemistry and flirting and all completely indicating we wanted to jump on one another, then it's a question that would have been laughed off or answered or whatever. But if this wasn't the vibe, and that question was asked it would definitely make someone feel uncomfortable.

Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:39

I think women are so conditioned to be nice, accomodating, pleasing blahblahblah and that is why many end up in the kind of relationships we see on this board

OP posts:
nodogz · 09/03/2024 08:40

I'm with you OP. It's weird and crass and pushing boundaries of conventional first date talk.

There are plenty of men out there who are sexually aggressive but sexually inadequate and have no interest in learning or adjusting their approach. Not worth the effort or even being polite to them.

I think the walk out was pretty funny. There's no way he'll be self-reflective about it though so don't feel bad

C1N1C · 09/03/2024 08:40

Yeah I'm torn with this one. It is a bit over the top for a first date, but I guess it's a natural curiosity for people who like sex and would genuinely wonder how you can survive 'that long' without sex.

I don't swear, and I guess it's akin to the 'but what do you do when you stub your toe?!' thing. To 99% of people, they simply cannot imagine someone not having what they consider a typical response to something like that.

But as others have said, if this is your boundary and made you feel off, you did the right thing by leaving :).

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/03/2024 08:42

I'm all for you having boundaries and enforcing them, but I find it really rude that you just stood up and left. Did you really do that without saying anything?

I would have at least told him why I was leaving. As pp have said, they wouldn't have minded the question, so I think that just walking out on him was OTT.

C1N1C · 09/03/2024 08:46

Also, as a courtesy, did you at least pay for your drink?

"We just had a £300 taster menu, but right as the coffee came at the end, he said he didn't like cats, which is a dealbreaker for me, so I got up and left".

That's an extreme example, but could be seen as a 'convenient' way of just getting free stuff.

Seagrassbasket · 09/03/2024 08:47

I’m wondering OP - is having and enforcing your boundaries a new thing for you? Is it something you’re learning about?

I had an awful relationship many years ago where I didn’t/wasn’t allowed to have boundaries. When I left I was single for a long time and then ended up having several encounters where I ‘tested’ what my boundaries were and how I was going to go about enforcing them.

Again, genuinely, you felt a boundary had been crossed and you left. That’s great.

Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:50

The funny thing is…

3 years single without a relationship/FWB/ONS involves being with another person

One can have sex with oneself and it can be much better than be with somebody you don’t fancy

Being single for 3 years does not automatically mean I’m asexual or low sex drive or whatever

Maybe he was wondering about mastubartion

But the main issue was the question being asked within 1 hour of meeting me - there was not enough rapport for me and it didn’t feel natural - it showed me he is not the kind of man I’d like to know more but also pretty rude - c’mon now, he is in his late 40s and divorced - two teen daughters?

I walked out and said nothing because I was so gobsmacked I literally had no words

Dating is supposed to be fun, if he knew how to conduct himself I could have even given him the info freely out of my own choice later down the line maybe.

OP posts:
Original poster
ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:54

Seagrassbasket · 09/03/2024 08:47

I’m wondering OP - is having and enforcing your boundaries a new thing for you? Is it something you’re learning about?

I had an awful relationship many years ago where I didn’t/wasn’t allowed to have boundaries. When I left I was single for a long time and then ended up having several encounters where I ‘tested’ what my boundaries were and how I was going to go about enforcing them.

Again, genuinely, you felt a boundary had been crossed and you left. That’s great.

It was not even a boundary thing I don’t think

It just made me feel so completely empty and hollow being there, I just didn’t see the point of spending one more second or saying anything - I just had nothing to say really, not even goodbye

OP posts:
Seagrassbasket · 09/03/2024 08:57

ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:54

It was not even a boundary thing I don’t think

It just made me feel so completely empty and hollow being there, I just didn’t see the point of spending one more second or saying anything - I just had nothing to say really, not even goodbye

Show quote history

Well if you felt like that then I think you did what you needed to do.

Datings awful. I did meet a nice one in the end though. They are out there!!

FOJN · 09/03/2024 08:58

Your boundaries are yours to decide and your responsibility to maintain.

How other people may have responded is irrelevant.

I'm glad you are happy with your decision.

Women should be encouraging other women to trust their gut even if they would have reacted differently.

Jifmicroliquid · 09/03/2024 09:02

Honestly? I’d have just laughed and not thought much of it.

Livelifelaughter · 09/03/2024 09:02

I would feel uncomfortable about being asked the question. But I also think people say really stupid things on first dates because they are anxious and nervous. I think to walk out without saying anything is a bit unforgiving and I wouldn't have done that. I think it's quite rude, I know that's not what you want to hear but I think just saying "I don't really feel comfortable and am going to leave" is better. He hasn't sworn, been rude to you, he's asked a personal question that you feel has been asked too soon and it's made you feel uncomfortable, and I would also, but he might have apologised to you.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2024 09:02

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

I think this is ridiculous.

Absolutely, if you felt his question crossed a boundary, say so. Even finish the date.

But I think saying nothing & walking out is just over-dramatic. Use your words, then leave if you wish.

Maybe he DGAF - or maybe he felt humiliated & mortified. Crass or intrusive his question may have been, but I don't think he deserved the reaction you gave.

Startingagainandagain · 09/03/2024 09:03

Well done OP.

Some of the comments on this thread though...raise your standards.

This is a complete stranger and the first 'date' is usually just a brief meeting/an opportunity to find out what they are like and then decide if they are worth dating.

More women should be like you OP rather than always overly concerned about being 'nice' and 'polite'.

You decided you were put off and annoyed and you did not want to waste more time on him, there was no reason for you to drag this on.

Maybe he has learned something in the process too. Online dating has made men lazy.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2024 09:03

I think just saying "I don't really feel comfortable and am going to leave" is better.

Exactly.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2024 09:04

You decided you were put off and annoyed and you did not want to waste more time on him, there was no reason for you to drag this on.

Sure. But it doesn't mean you can't simply say this, end the date in a reasonable way, and still be asserting a boundary.

The drama of it ...

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