my attitude on this 1st date?

[ricollete]

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

@Moonfishstar I'm not saying it was the best response, but it obviously affected OP a lot. This is why I don't date at present, I had a bad experience last relationship and wouldn't like it at all if a stranger brought up sex when I'd just met them.

OP has had a traumatic experience with being a widow. Some of us take it slow and others don't mind a bit of sex talk. But within an hour it should be chatting about your life/views surely?? There are an awful lot of sharkish men out there who try to steer the conversation around to physical

I think it wasn't a red flag but bunting 🤭🤭

maybe also that he was a man and this is Mumsnet

🤭

Quite!

@Allofaflutter that's just not true. I slept with my DH on the first date and been together for 10 years. My ex before him the same but were together for 7 years.

It was too fast for OP, now he can go off and find someone who wants what he does.

A pity he didn't make that clear before they met!

I had quite a few guys tell me before we met (when we were setting up the date on the 'phone) that "I like to get into a sexual relationship quickly".

My response was to thank them for letting me know, because I now knew we didn't want the same thing. Then I wished them well in finding what they wanted and hung up.

I agree we are all different. I wouldn’t have liked it , but to be fair I most likely wouldn’t have gone down the road of talking about my dating/relationship history with someone unless I was comfortable with them and where that convo could lead. I’m the opposite to you in that I had pretty good sex in my 20s/30s/40s and now I choose to have none (ever) lol.

I’d have walked out too. Completely disrespectful and inappropriate. The answer is obvious- either I’m not fussed/ I masturbate a lot. Why force you to answer that? Yes sex may have been at the forefront of his mind, but there are stages to go through, and charging ahead is such a turn off anyway.

He is one big icky twat. Stay away.

Grown man on date with grown woman mentions sex. A tad forward but really such a big deal ? 🤷

Well done for making your point so succinctly and not going against your own instincts

I would find this unacceptable on a first date too. It’s like he was testing your boundaries and you did the right thing by leaving. Well done.

She didn't make her point though did she. Just went off in a huff without telling him what he did to offend

I'm sorry but at a first time meeting someone, that is absolutely NOT a "reasonable" question! I can't believe that anyone actually believes it is!!

Not unreasonable. I’m a man and wouldn’t have like that either.

It hugely depends on what chat you've had before you get to meet. Sex is important to me; I'd like a partner to whom it is also important. It's an inappropriate question to some, but not everyone.

I would see it as that’s all he’s looking for and asking what she does about sex while she’s been single is far too personal.

Surely there’s a lot more conversations to get to know someone without basically asking about their masturbation habits within the first hour.

No one is saying she was wrong for leaving. It's the overly dramatic and rude manner in which she did. Unnecessary and very ugly behaviour

You do sound a bit sensitive. Were you embarrassed by the question? If you liked the guy, perhaps you could have given him five more minutes to correct himself. If you didn’t really care to get to know him, then making a quick exit saved everybody time, including him.

Anyway I’m happy with my decision

i don’t think there was really any need to ask for opinions in this case

Would I have responded like this? No.

Do I think you were unreasonable for responding this way? Also no.

@ricollete What is beyond the pale for you isn't for me; neither of us is wrong.

How rude of him. It’s such an inappropriate question. You did the right thing.

It’s too much to ask that on a first date …intrusive and crude. But l wouldn’t have walked out, it might have been nerves or just a silly thoughtless comment . You had been speaking before so l might have waited to see how the rest of the date went ?

On a date it sure is.