my attitude on this 1st date?

[ricollete]

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Jesus use your words OP…. Instead you flounced off.

I’d have done exactly the same thing OP. I would have found him asking that much of a personal question after only an hour of first meeting wholly inappropriate, and it would have given me the ICK too.

Walking out was perfectly acceptable given his rudeness. Your past sex life is absolutely non of his business at that stage!

What other people think and deem to be reasonable is up to them - but it’s great that you stuck to YOUR boundaries.

Yet you don't find him asking about her sex life rude? He has shown his true colours.

I would expect questions like this on dates. Although IME, it will have already been covered before we meet on an actual date. Most people are dating to find sex, ultimately - I have plenty of friends already. How I'd answer would probably depend on how I felt things were going, how the question came up and so on.

But I'm me, not the OP, and we're all fine having different boundaries. I've been happy to have sex on a first date - others don't think it's appropriate to talk about it. I want to know we're good in bed together before I get emotionally invested, because I don't want to start falling for someone only to find out the sex is rubbish. Others need an emotional connection first. But I do think if you're dating, talking about sex isn't unreasonable. You don't have to answer everything though.

Good for you OP! As a teen I'd have stayed, but what's the point. If your firm there's an atmosphere. If it's funny banter you're basically showing its ok.
And then you're still stuck on a date with a man child who will never crawl out of ickville anyway.

'Flounce', 'storm'...she just went. Some posters are overdramatising.

People can choose to be celebate for a length of time and that was an intrusive question for OP. I don't want to discuss sex with strangers.

I'd think someone was a right weirdo if they took an interest in my sex life.

Great! But why post on AIBU when you’re so clearly not asking if you’re BU?

It’s almost like virtue signalling. “Hey mumsnet, look what I did after this man said this to me.” Knowing the pearl clutches will applaud and say you were completely right, he was clearly a rapist.

There's a middle ground between sitting politely and appeasing him while wasting your entire evening, and gathering up your things and walking off without saying a word. When did the world become so black and white, good and bad?

Because I was curious to see answers that would agree with my point of view and answers that would agree with my friend’s point of view.

Opinions here will have no influence on how I feel but it is very interesting to read all responses.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong approach in this situation - it is highly personal.

A lot depends on your prior conversation and his delivery. Only you know what the vibe was.

Completely ott

yiu could have just said one of your business
or made a joke of it

i think you’ve done him a favour and if you react mine this all the time you’ll still
Be single in 10 years ( which is fine if you want to be £

Personally I'd have raised an eyebrow and maybe made a sarky comment but wouldn't have been especially offended by the question. But as someone who has simply got up and walked out of a restaurant mid-date (he said something racist), if that's your boundary than more power to you for sticking to it. It's not a question you can casually ask someone who've only just met without expecting that it might be taken badly.

There is a middle ground between assessing sexual compatibility with a potential partner and asking them how they manage their sexual urges (or lack of if that was what he was thinking) within 1 hour of meeting.

If he decided to have no social skills I then decided to match him.

I probably wouldn’t have been too bothered by the question personally, but I understand how it would put others off. Most people are hoping for a sexual partner, maybe he was very clumsily checking you weren’t celibate or have no sex drive. I wouldn’t have left, if I was offended I might have said so, like that’s a bit too personal for a first date. He may have apologised and been embarrassed. Or maybe not but you’d know either way. I know for a fact I’ve said things without a filter before. If I’d upset someone without realising I’d want to know and have the chance to apologise. If you just sensed he wasn’t a good fit or he gave you the ick then no point in hanging around!!

Did you not find him attractive in person, and this comment was your 'out'?
I think if I'd have found him attractive, I'd have laughed at that comment and said something like 'that's none of your business!' and watched his reaction.

Assuming he's not an absolute complete moron, he sounds like a weird perv hoping to get you to chat about your masturbation habits. Quite right to walk out.

I used to make all the types of excuses for men that many on this thread are doing.

Then I had an abusive relationship, and healing from that taught me how it had been clear from the start - as in the very first conversation - who he was, but I'd kept on excusing him.

Abusers always begin with a small boundary push right off the bat. They don't want to waste time on people like the OP, who have firm boundaries.

I'd have wrapped the evening up there and then too. He made it clear who he was in that one comment, so why waste any more time.

Being single isn't a terrible thing, and it's way better to be single than stuck with someone who is at best a tactless person who doubtless would have used the word 'banter' in response to anything OP had to say.

If you’re happy with your decision as you say upthread then there’s nothing to see here.

your friend thinks differently and fair enough that’s up to them if they’d been in that situation. You did what’s right for you in it. End of story.

You're not wrong for ending the date OP but grabbing your things and walked out silently was a bit over the top. Why couldn't you say the question was unacceptable and you're ending the date now?

I mean, if someone had said that to me I'd have just laughed and refused to answer. I think he was flirting tbh

He wasn't polite, OP had no obligation to explain to him why she was leaving. Her asserting herself and not laughing it off and being uncomfortable was probably a surprise to him, but I'm sure he will have figured it out.

and what would be the point?

he could see what I was doing?

Maybe you weren't that into him from the start? Would the question have offended you if he was the super hot man of your dreams? 🤷