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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters don’t want to join in family gatherings

237 replies

Thebirdlady · 08/03/2024 23:56

I have two daughters ( 20 years and 18 years) who dress in unconventional clothes (nothing shocking,just lots of dark colours and clumpy Dr Martens etc.)They always look smart and clean.
We get invited out for family meals with my in-laws and my husband’s niece,nephew and their very young children.
My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them? Or
some other comment.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What ,if anything,is the answer?

OP posts:
Brendabigbaps · 08/03/2024 23:58

People don’t change if you don’t call them out on it.

TruthorDie · 08/03/2024 23:59

No answer. The wider family sound rude. Your daughters can wear what they want

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 09/03/2024 00:00

OP when you wore the latest fashions as a youngster, did you never find that older relations commented on your outfits, I certainly did, but with a laugh and the confidence of youth, told them they were being old foggies and everyone was wearing, platforms, mini skirts, hot pants or whatever the current trend was! Surely your girls can stand up for themselves, can't they?

saraclara · 09/03/2024 00:00

You tell the family members that their comments aren't appreciated and are making your daughter's not want to attend, so could they please not make comments on their appearance.

murasaki · 09/03/2024 00:00

They are both adults and don't have to attend. Just say they are busy if you don't want the fight. If you do, let them know that it is the negative comments that have driven them away.

At their age I totally wore docs, long skirts, goth stuff etc, let them be them.

Precipice · 09/03/2024 00:02

The answer is to stand up for your daughters. No wonder they don't want to go. It's unpleasant to be have comments about something that's so personal as the way you dress (and the way they dress doesn't sound odd) and the effect builds up when it happens over and over. Stop 'biting your lip'. At least say to comments like the one about the shoes 'they're normal and commonplace shoes' and change the subject.

CanOfGerms · 09/03/2024 00:02

Tell the family members they are being rude and tell your girls you have said so. Obviously.

Mmhmmn · 09/03/2024 00:03

They take the piss out of your daughters’ appearances? No wonder they don’t want to go. Christ, you can’t choose family can you. Insensitive, rude arseholes. You should pull them up on it.

Biffbaff · 09/03/2024 00:04

Tell the family straight that the girls didn't want to come because they don't like the comments they get about their appearance. Why aren't you advocating for them or encouraging them to advocate for themselves when these conversations happen? It's not OK for them to just sit there and take it. I can imagine it's "not to cause a scene", but if the conversation has already been started by rude family members, then it's simply a case of "welcome to the consequences of your actions". Who cares if they get offended by the responses to their own offensive questions?

Larasbra · 09/03/2024 00:06

They are voting with their feet and don’t want to be around rude people.

Mmhmmn · 09/03/2024 00:06

But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
—-

They’re offended - but they’re happy to cause offence. Whose feelings are more important? Find your inner tiger mom 😂

AliceMcK · 09/03/2024 00:08

Errmm and what to do you say to defend your DDs? I wouldn’t want to go somewhere my appearance was criticised especially if my parents didn’t say any thing to defend my right to wear what the fuck I wanted.

WhateverMate · 09/03/2024 00:09

Times have changed (thankfully) so now it's really frowned upon to comment negatively on people's style of clothing/fashion.

When I was growing up, it was a generational thing and if the older relatives in the family actually liked how you looked, it felt odd and you'd question whether you looked old fashioned or something 😂😂

We used to eye-roll and point out that their relatives didn't like what they wore either when they were younger, and then we'd change the subject.

But if your DC don't want to go, just tell them they don't have to and tell the rest of the family why.

Bigbus · 09/03/2024 00:10

Firstly op you sound lovely. I wish you were my mum! Secondly you know as well as I do that you’re children shouldn’t have to feel bad about what they weae

Pekoe78 · 09/03/2024 00:10

Ask yourself which relationship is the most important to you? If it’s your relationship with your daughters then respect their right as adults not to attend. They are allowed to make their own choices regarding their clothing and where they spend their time. I don’t think your partner’s family deserve any special effort with their superior attitude.

murasaki · 09/03/2024 00:10

I'd love it if they started criticising auntie Mavis's outfit. But I imagine they are nice girls who wouldn't do that. They are adults, don't make them go. Your choice as to whether to have the conversation as to why.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 09/03/2024 00:11

They're 18 and 20
They aren't "girls"
If they don't want to go then they don't
Answer when asked "they are adults who can do what they want and they're tired of your judgement"

mathanxiety · 09/03/2024 00:11

Thebirdlady · 08/03/2024 23:56

I have two daughters ( 20 years and 18 years) who dress in unconventional clothes (nothing shocking,just lots of dark colours and clumpy Dr Martens etc.)They always look smart and clean.
We get invited out for family meals with my in-laws and my husband’s niece,nephew and their very young children.
My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them? Or
some other comment.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What ,if anything,is the answer?

They can't have it both ways - make offensive remarks and then get offended when the people the remarks are directed at don't want to socialise with them.

I think you should have spoken up and asked the relatives exactly what their problem was when these rude remarks were made.

MobileStationery · 09/03/2024 00:12

Top tip for life.

Never EVER worry about upsetting someone who doesn't worry about upsetting you.

"what are those shoes?Can you walk in them?"
"What's it got to do with you what my kids wear on their feet you fucking massive floppy dildo looking arse weasel?"

Or..

"Hey TheBIrdLady, we're having a tea party on the 19th for Saint Swithens Day, would you care to attend?"
"Not really, I pretty sock of the constant comments about my kids appearance by shallow numb nutted imbecilic wank sock fondlers."

Etc.

Basically. Tell the rude fuckers to fuck off.

glittercunt · 09/03/2024 00:16

You stop biting your fucking lip. I've always dressed 'differently and have been through some of the nastiest appraisals by strangers and family and neighbours. Not once was I stood up for. It made me avoid family, and made me anxious to bump into people. I even went through a stage of trying to mask who I am, to blend in, and still people banged on about what I wore. I defend the weird and odd and amazing outfits my kids wear because noone has the right to dictate how they express themselves. Outside of a uniformed job anyway. Be their mum. Don't be scared to tread on great aunt Violet's toes - family aren't too old to learn how not to speak about others.

ilovesooty · 09/03/2024 00:18

Larasbra · 09/03/2024 00:06

They are voting with their feet and don’t want to be around rude people.

I don't blame them. Tell the family members that.

PeloMom · 09/03/2024 00:23

You should have called out those people ages ago. Of course your kids don’t want to be around them.

WhatWhereWho · 09/03/2024 00:29

How about you and your DH sticking up for your daughters. I do not blame them for not wanting to go. If they do not want to go support that. When someone says they are disappointed they are not there say well if people were not rude to them they would probably have wanted to come. Your DH should as well. Be parents.

ObliviousCoalmine · 09/03/2024 00:29

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 09/03/2024 00:00

OP when you wore the latest fashions as a youngster, did you never find that older relations commented on your outfits, I certainly did, but with a laugh and the confidence of youth, told them they were being old foggies and everyone was wearing, platforms, mini skirts, hot pants or whatever the current trend was! Surely your girls can stand up for themselves, can't they?

What absolute shit. The family members need to stop discussing the girls' appearance like it's a dinner topic, it's rude.

I'd let them not go, and when someone asks why I'd say they're fed up with having their appearance picked apart. Back your children.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 09/03/2024 00:35

I agree with the pp who suggested that the next time you are invited, say no, I don't care to attend a gathering of people who think it is ok to comment negatively on my daughters fashion.

Though it would temporarily be satisfiying to dress goth yourself and rock up and comment right back on these relatives shoes and clothes.
"Oh doesn't that synthetic fabric make you itchy?

Have you been sick, you look so tired and drawn.

Would you like a breath mint.