Daughters don’t want to join in family gatherings

[Thebirdlady]

I have two daughters ( 20 years and 18 years) who dress in unconventional clothes (nothing shocking,just lots of dark colours and clumpy Dr Martens etc.)They always look smart and clean.
We get invited out for family meals with my in-laws and my husband’s niece,nephew and their very young children.
My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them? Or
some other comment.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What ,if anything,is the answer?

Well, we can all only speak as we find from our own experiences.

I have 3 dc in their 20s who are very peeved if they aren't available when we go for a meal with their Grandparents and cousins and Aunts and Uncles, I and can think of about 6 or 7 other families that I know well enough to know this to be true of, with dc currently ranging from 14 to 32, where all of the d"c" enjoy getting together 2, 3 or 4 times a year with extended family. (Different families).

I'm aware that around 13, many teens want to just hibernate in rooms, but the OP's dc are 19 and 20 and most teens have usually come out the other side of that tunnel by then.

Sorry, fat thumbs, "18 and 20"

I’m gobsmacked by how many people have commented.
I agree with a lot of the comments saying we should have spoken sooner but it’s not my family (unfortunately I have no close family members still alive) and therefore they are the only family my daughters have ever known.
I also don’t drag them there kicking and screaming - just encourage them to attend when they aren’t busy.

It doesn’t matter if they are your daughter’s only family. It doesn’t make them any less nasty. You shouldn’t be enouraging them to attend at all until an apology is issues, or you let your daughters know it’s ok to call the family out on their behaviour.

I am sorry you’re getting a pasting here @Thebirdlady. I think you need to let these relatives know that your daughters are young adults and that you will no longer be facilitating their relationships for them. If they wish to see them, they are welcome to try and contact them themselves, but given that both your daughters have expressed how humiliating it is to be expected to share a meal and quietly accept being continually picked at for their choices in clothing and humiliating them, not to be surprised if the girls refuse to entertain any future invitations. I would let them know that just as they are also adults, they are also capable of self-reflection, apologizing and changing their behaviour, but you will not be their go-between.

Your daughters are your family though. They have been kids while this has been going on. You said you wouldn’t let anyone speak to you like it, but you have allowed it to happen to your daughters and now trying to encourage them into a situation they don’t want to be in.

So what if they are the only extended family they have known? They have you and your husband. They don’t family that makes them feel like shit.

I think you feelings about not having extended family are really influencing your thoughts here. You don’t have it, on your side, so you think that they should hold to it at all costs. But that’s just damaging.

I get it. My mum is dead. Sometimes I read threads or hear people moaning about their mum and I want to tell them to ignore the shit, suck it up and appreciate having a mum. Because I would give anything to have my mum, even along with all her shit. But I have to remember my feelings about missing my mum are mine. It doesn’t mean other people should give everything and put up with shit.

It doesn't need to be a big confrontation though.
When MIL or whoever comments "Look at those clumpy old boots you should be down the mines with those fellas" OP can cough loudly and say something like "DD is happy and comfortable in her outfit. Now how has your Angina been over the last few weeks ?"

It's possible to be assertive without being rude.

It's a great age when you realise you have the agency to decide not to meet up with rude and unpleasant family members that you simply don't like.

I have memories of going to my aunt, uncle and cousins every month with no-one really enjoying it , when the kids got old enough it was, 'nope we've got better things to do than carry on this charade '.

Grandparents obviously different, they can have played a significant practical part in your upbringing so there's a 'duty' aspect there, but again if they are continously offensive they need to be told.

I haven't read all the comments yet but I wanted to share my experience with older relatives growing up. Some of my relatives seemed to have a strange obsession with how 'tall' I was. I don't mean relatives we saw every couple of years so obviously a child's growth is very noticeable, but those we saw at least on a monthly basis. I wasn't tall, I've never been taller than average but the comments were so frequent it made me feel like a circus freak. I was tall and my younger brother was small (he was smaller than me as he was two years younger, normal development of a child etc). I even had one aunt who seemed obsessed with my weight, in the puppy fat stage pre growth spurt aged about 11.

This was absolutely excruciating for me, I hated being the centre of attention (turned out I'm neurodivergent) but I remember wishing so hard that they would just ask me about school or my hobbies and friends and things rather than going on about what I looked like and my size. My wonderful grandma would sit with me in the kitchen and talk to me about anything I wanted, I used to love asking her about what my dad was like when he was younger.

If these relatives care so much about seeing your daughters that they would get offended if they didn't come then they need to be told in no uncertain terms that there is more to your girls than how they dress, they are adults and I can imagine they could contribute to a normal adult conversation rather than being made a spectacle of. As a result of this I've taught my children never to comment on someone's appearance unless paying them a compliment and even my 6 year old understands this so I would hope an adult could comprehend it too! I really feel for your girls, I hope it doesn't stop them from expressing their own style.

Not necessarily. And dark clothes plus Doc Martens is hardly unconventional, especially in the late teen population.

Now you've seen the replies will you be honest with those relatives asking why your dc haven't attended?

You are putting some pressure on them to attend. "Encouraging them when they aren't busy" is exactly that. Why can't they just be left in peace?

Them being DH's family makes no difference. You can still speak up for your DDs and explain why they have chosen (with your blessing) not to attend.