Daughters don’t want to join in family gatherings

[Thebirdlady]

I have two daughters ( 20 years and 18 years) who dress in unconventional clothes (nothing shocking,just lots of dark colours and clumpy Dr Martens etc.)They always look smart and clean.
We get invited out for family meals with my in-laws and my husband’s niece,nephew and their very young children.
My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them? Or
some other comment.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What ,if anything,is the answer?

I wouldn't want to attend either, if my appearance was always commented on in a negative way. Why don't you speak up, since you're the one who wants them to attend? Be clear with your relatives that the reason the girls don't want to come is their constant unpleasant comments about their dress. Your family are clearly so lacking in self awareness that they can't see that their comments are unkind and uncalled for, so someone needs to tell them.

They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.

you should respond in that case! Why wouldn’t you - or even better: your DH - make it clear that this is rude and absolutely unacceptable. Defend your daughters and teach them that it’s perfectly alright to stand up for yourself!

Stop encouraging women and girls to be “polite” when somebody disrespects or abuses them!

@Thebirdlady 69 year old granny here of a beautiful 15 year old girl. lives with us and has no colour in her wardrobe except black. i would jump in the second i heard anyone saying anything against her outfit or her makeup. goth lives on. defend you girls.xx

I just bite my lip and change the subject
🙄
Whilst people are mocking your girls? Really? What happened to your backbone?

These ignoramuses don't respect you, or your girls. It's good they have each other, and aren't going to subject themselves to this unpleasant nonsense any longer. Your girls can see and hear their mum puts her silly people 1st and doesn't defend her daughters. Serves you all right, you don't deserve their presence tbh

They're your kids. Stands up for them and call the rude relatives out. By staying quiet you are condoning their comments. Stop being such a coward and do what's right for your kids.

I'm also wondering why people think that it's the older generations making the comments. The girls are 20. Younger than my DC. I was a goth. I'd be admiring their boots (and probably comparing them to mine)

Your girls don’t have to put up with this and need to see you are in their corner.

try once - ‘okay, let’s stop the constant fashion critics of my fabulous stylish girls. If this continues they won’t want to have lunch with you all anymore’.

then if it happens again they stop going.

but it’s up to them - if they want to stop now let them - and explain to your idiot family why!

I stand by my comment, NO ONE should have to tolerate being ridiculed for their fashion choices, especially by their family. It isn't a joke. It isn't funny. It isn't just banter.

They're adults now so can make choices for themselves.

However, I'd be advocating for them and letting others know the reasons they don't want to come and if those people want it to be different, then their behaviour needs to be different. And if they turn it into an argument I'd use that against them and ask why my should children be subjected to comments and ridicule?

I can remember when younger my granny used to comment on women wearing black and women wearing trousers. I guess she grew up in different times.
Don't remember putting her in her place or my mum doing so but sometimes my mum would say we won't stay long.

Tell the truth

• Well you're so rude to the girls and critical of them that they don't want to spend time with you.

How would you feel if the first thing I did on seeing you was spend half an hour discussing your appearance? & then kept going back to ot throughout the evening, always being negative?

It's bullying & I wouldn't hesitate to tell people that.

Why are you not defending your DD instead of being worried that the rude relatives are offended? What you are teaching them is their feelings are not relevant, we must please others at all costs.

I was the teenager that was being commented on and it’s rude, unnecessary and these comments stick.

They seem offended if my girls aren't there.

• • So? Why should you care? They offend your daughters with their comments.

Exactly, I’d really enjoy telling them in no uncertain terms why the girls don’t want their company.

Your daughters are adults. They have autonomy.

You don't need to persuade them to go to a facility gathering. You need to accept that they are not going. If anyone asks, you tell them that because they have been made to feel uncomfortable because of their clothes, they don't want to come.

Easy.

Never EVER worry about upsetting someone who doesn't worry about upsetting you

This. Why are you tiptoeing around not being rude when they have no problems spitting out insults and being rude to your daughters. Rudeness should expect rudeness back. You cannot get to adulthood and not realise this. You choose to be rude?- then have some of it back. End of. It's just natural consequences. Most of us manage not to be rude to people on the regular- it's hardly difficult not to insult people FGS. I voted YABU because you are- you need to tell them to STFU and not put up with this crap.

Their clothes really aren't that unconventional. They are just of that tribe that rejects the very glam, overtly feminine, lip fillered and stillettoed look in favour of a more alternative grungey or gothy vibe. It's hardly groundbreaking stuff worthy of comment.

You should tell your relatives in advance to lay off mentioning it, as they are making your DDs want to avoid being in their company. If they ask why they are not present next time then tell them straight.

Surely your job as parents to support your daughters and call out your very rude family. No way would I make them go to be ridiculed.

But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there

Why aren't you telling them that their rude comments about the girls' appearance are the reason the girls don't want to go anymore?

I wonder how many years the daughters have been putting up with the rude comments? I'd bet these judgmental relatives have been nitpicking their appearance since they were little, it hasn't just started. And the OP has spent all those years "biting her lip".

There isn't an answer and there's nothing to be done. The daughters are adults who can choose who they wish to spend time with and there's probably nothing you can say that'd drag them back to these gatherings they've probably hated for a decade or more. I hope they both find good friendship groups who accept and appreciate them AND who stick up for them.

They are adults. They are choosing not go sorted. Not your problem.

You have two alternatives:

• just go without them and when people ask why tell them that your DDs are fed up with their rude comments.
• encourage them to come along and politely make their displeasure clear to anyone who might be rude enough to comment.

When my 3 DDs were going through some whacky fashion phases, if anyone commented I would just say: "I think they look beautiful - how lucky I am to have such lovely DDs."

Go to the next one without them. When questioned say they didn't want to come because of the comments people make about their appearance. I would bet any money (well maybe not any money) that one of the family then suggests they wear something different then. To which you reply - you see, this is why they don't want to come. Do you want to see them for themselves, or their clothes?

They aren's 'girls' or 'kids'. They are young adults. They can dress as they wish; DMs, etc are not unconventional in any case. They can also socialise with or not socialise with whoever they choose. I would usually expect to make a particular effort for family but not in this instance where the relatives are regularly rude and belittling. Presumably, they haven't fostered a close, loving relationship during their childhood either or your daughters would feel able to stand up for themselves and would want to see them.
You/ your husband should have stood up for your daughters the first time this happened, rather than biting your lip.

I’m surprised any of you go if that’s how they speak to your daughters? The response would be that they are rude, poor company and your daughters don’t wish to spend their free time in their presence. Stand up for them!