Daughters don’t want to join in family gatherings

[Thebirdlady]

I have two daughters ( 20 years and 18 years) who dress in unconventional clothes (nothing shocking,just lots of dark colours and clumpy Dr Martens etc.)They always look smart and clean.
We get invited out for family meals with my in-laws and my husband’s niece,nephew and their very young children.
My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them? Or
some other comment.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What ,if anything,is the answer?

I don’t know why you are people pleasing at the expense of your daughters. Call out the comments and maybe they will actually want to come 🤷🏼‍♀️

I am of the opinion that if you are going to make your appearance stand out in some way or another, you need to expect people to remark on it. Wearing platform DM’s is not as comfortable as wearing trainers. They’re a fashion statement that will attract wanted and unwanted attention.

I agree with this, hence the earlier point about resilience.
They should dress as they want to, but also hold their heads up with confidence about it.

Surprised you expect them to be going still, most teenagers stop wanting to tag along to family stuff at 14-16.

Not 'most' at all.
It they have grown up having a great relationship with Grandparents / enjoying family gatherings, then people of all ages still want to go.
My dc are all in their 20s - all off enjoying their independence, but all always want to be included in any extended family gatherings. Because, in normal loving families, people enjoy seeing other members of the family.

I was your daughters 20 years ago.

What people choose to do with, or put on, their bodies is completely up to them and doesn't require comment.

They're adults, they get to choose whether or not they attend. Why are you trying to persuade them otherwise knowing full well how it makes them feel? It gives the impression you're putting the feelings of others above your daughters and that's a sure fire way to lose their trust. Adults or not, it's nice to have someone in your corner.

"They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance" ... I'm struggling to understand this comment. It sounds like you're saying you'd fiercely advocate for yourself, but you don't for them.

Unless they've asked you not to say anything for fear of making an uncomfortable situation even more so - advocate for them! They've opened up to you about how they feel and a continued lack of support speaks volumes.

It may sound silly to some, but I lost a lot of trust for certain family members as a teenager for this sort of thing. And I'm sure much like OP they were absolutely trying to do the right thing.

But - in my experience - it's a reflection of who they are and how they wish to present themselves to the world as people. The family members are making unnecessary comments for the sake of a cheap, lazy joke without thinking that they're ridiculing who they are as people, it is not just about clothes.

‘Normal loving families’ 🙄

Well personally I think you're expecting a lot from the girls anyway, given their ages, they probably have grown out of attending the gatherings. But if this is just about the comments, your relatives are rude so I'd tell them. It'll shut them up for a minute anyway!

Hahahaha my thoughts exactly...

Your daughters are old enough to decide they don't wish to attend. They probably have things they would rather be doing. Just explain to the group that the girls had other plans.

I voted YABU because if anyone commented on my daughter’s appearance that way, they’d be getting very stern words from me, at the very least.
You seem to want them to attend, against their wishes, because the in laws will be offended. Pity you don’t have the same energy for your own children. What are you teaching them? If their own mother isn’t backing them, then who will?!
Nope. Either tell the in laws to shut it next time they start, or let your children decide what they want to do.

If it were me, I'd be standing up for my daughters & telling these family members exactly why my daughters are absent.

Have you tried saying "ooh thanks for noticing how beautiful dd20 and dd18 look. I love how they have their own style rather than following the crowd. Where did you get your dress from? I've seen two or three people in those."

Because, in normal loving families, people enjoy seeing other members of the family

Nah, this really isnt true. I loved my grandparents but still found family events incredibly tedious and boring at that age. I wanted to hang out with my friends, not OAPs- thats completely normal. Doesnt mean I didnt love them but the conversation was boring and so far removed from what I was interested in as a teen that I used to "endure" them, not enjoy them.

You have to speak up for your girls and say don’t be rude. Stop commenting on their style choices, it is making them uncomfortable.

Your family sound awful. Why do you want to spend time with them? If they weren’t your family, would you?

OP why aren't you sticking up for your daughters? It's teaching them that they should just sit there and accept this behaviour.
One of my nieces dresses similarly, someone made a comment about it once and I asked them if they really thought it was okay to be so rude about someone else's attire, there was an awkward and probably insincere apology, but my niece beamed and thanked me for sticking up for her. They've not brought up her attire again since.

I don’t blame your daughters for not wanting to attend such events. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel about having. To sit and listen to people insult you as if you’re not even there. These girls need you to advocate for them and to show them and others that it’s not acceptable. If you can’t say anything nice to someone Don’t say anything at all.

Simple decision tree. If there's another even ask your daughters. If they say no, and explain, listen. If they say no and don't: ask them. Then go without them and if anyone comments just say why they aren't there.

If they do decide to go, back them up if people make comments.

I mean Doc Martens were alternative when I was a teenager, they're pretty much mainstream now.

Thing about banter is, that it's both sides that decide it's banter. If the reciever isn't willing it's not banter its bullying. Also the thing about opinions is that everyone is entitled to one. You may be entitled to think that someones shoes look ridiculous, or even to say that. But other people are entitled to the opinion that your views are small minded and hurtful. And an a world where you can express your views, the people who think you are hurtful have equal right to express theirs.

I mean there's lots of comments about why didn't you say anything earlier.... but I think you want to deal with things as they are.

They're both adults and therefore I wouldn't be making them attend family gatherings anyway.

Your relatives are rude, though. Just because someone's younger than them, it doesn't mean it's OK to take the piss out of their appearance. Nobody would think it was OK for a 20-year-old woman to point out and mock their auntie's shoes, or their grandma's, or to tell their uncle/grandad that they think he's wearing an awful shirt, so why the fuck is it OK when it's the other way round?

Your daughters are grown women, ffs. They don't have to attend 'family gatherings' where their relatives treat them like children.

For people bashing OP - when you've grown up in a toxic family dynamic you are so often shut down and learn not to speak up. I imagine there will be unfair consequences for OP speaking up; punishment, gaslighting, undermining what you're saying and it goes on.

Basically, if your daughter's have zero interest and gain nothing from the interaction, don't make them go!

You can kindly and politely explain how they feel and ask for it to stop. I have a feeling the reaction will be like I've explained above. You then decide what you gain from a family who does not listen or care how you and your girls feel.

Third option is continue as it is and lose a piece of yourself every time you see them , plus teaching your girls to put up and shut up

Your girls may be staying silent because they hope you will step up and shut up these rude relatives.

Next time, on accepting the invitation you can say "my daughters will only come if you promise you won't comment on their appearances. As adults they are free to dress as they please and you will drive them away from you if you continue to be rude".

Address it politely in the room on the day if necessary: stop making personal comments about my daughters. They are exercising their right to make their own choices and we will choose to leave if you continue to be rude.

I wouldn't want to see family or friends that behaved like that

I was that teenager who was the target of comments about how I dressed. Not only did my mother not stand up for me, she would agree with the piss taking. Dented my confidence.
Stand up for your daughters.

Are they not wanting to go because of the comments?
Or because they're actually young women and feel stifled by the twee gatherings?
I have to admit the current baggy look isn't my favourite. But I wouldn't comment on it.

My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come. ... then they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.

You're answering your own question here. You call out the people who are making the girls feel unwelcome by their constant comments of their clothes and style - "their" actions are the reason your girls do not want to visit - so as a consequence to "their" actions, my girls do not want to visit anymore, and i wont force them. If you want the girls here - then you need to address "their" actions - make it known that its their problem to solve.