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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters don’t want to join in family gatherings

237 replies

Thebirdlady · 08/03/2024 23:56

I have two daughters ( 20 years and 18 years) who dress in unconventional clothes (nothing shocking,just lots of dark colours and clumpy Dr Martens etc.)They always look smart and clean.
We get invited out for family meals with my in-laws and my husband’s niece,nephew and their very young children.
My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them? Or
some other comment.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What ,if anything,is the answer?

OP posts:
pootlin · 09/03/2024 06:35

Why are you and DH biting your lips so as not to make his relatives uncomfortable but happy to make your own daughters uncomfortable?

DH needs to say something every time, politely but clearly that commenting on your daughters’ appearance is unacceptable.

user1492757084 · 09/03/2024 06:41

You need to tell adult siblings that their comments are making their nieces feel self conscious. Ask tham to prepare some positive things to say and not to comment on their fashion.

You need to also expect your kids to go to the not very often family catch ups. Explain that small cousins, or children in general, will say what they see. That kids are rarely judgemental but notice things and honestly blurt out.

Your girls should not take the kid's comments to heart.

They could reply in jest. Such as, "They are not that heavy, would you like to walk in them. Do you find them heavy? Can you dance in them?"
The cousins will learn manners.
It's hard being a teenager but they need to ride it out because family is their best support for the long term.

Beautiful3 · 09/03/2024 06:47

They're grown women not girls. If they don't want to come then they don't have too. If they did,and someone commented on their clothes I'd say, it's fashion and it's what most of the young women wear around here.
.

ZenNudist · 09/03/2024 06:47

Docs are worn by all ages now and gave been around for decades. It would be more unusual if they wore a kitten heel
.

I think at 18 and 20 it's more usual to be off doing your own thing rather than socialising with family. Family in question sound nasty so I wouldn't worry about offending them.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 09/03/2024 06:48

Why haven't you been standing up for your daughters? No wonder they don't want to go if they're being criticised and picked at constantly.

user1492757084 · 09/03/2024 06:49

Also, you and your husband can counter by being first to talk and being positive, proud and expressive about daughters' colours and choices,
"Don't I wish I could wear Sally's boots. They look so comfortable."
"Sally loves going to Smith Street Market. We should all go together one Sunday and try the food".

Ohpleeeease · 09/03/2024 06:57

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 09/03/2024 00:00

OP when you wore the latest fashions as a youngster, did you never find that older relations commented on your outfits, I certainly did, but with a laugh and the confidence of youth, told them they were being old foggies and everyone was wearing, platforms, mini skirts, hot pants or whatever the current trend was! Surely your girls can stand up for themselves, can't they?

^^ this, unless the comments are said in a nasty way, in which case you need to stand up for them. But if it’s just old people marvelling at young people fashion, encourage them to take it with a pinch of salt and laugh it off, because in your eyes they look great.

43ontherocksporfavor · 09/03/2024 07:27

It’s quite normal of DC of that age to not want to attend wider family gatherings. Bit boring. As for the comments , I would say something supportive of them finding their own style.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/03/2024 07:30

They’re both adults and no longer have to attend family gatherings and be your relatives entertainment and novelty act.

If someone asks where they are, just say that they were utterly fed up with their appearance being commented on at every opportunity in the past so as they’re now adults in their own right, you can’t force them to do anything they don’t want to do.

jeaux90 · 09/03/2024 07:34

"They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance."

I would talk to them both about boundaries and being assertive. All this "be kind" nonsense is eroding boundaries, tell them it's ok not to put up with this shit from anyone.

Alwaystransforming · 09/03/2024 07:36

It’s not your job to manipulate/convince them in situations they feel uncomfortable in.

Especially, when you are doing it because the very people who make them feel uncomfortable aren’t happy if they don’t attend.

They are adults and choose what to attend and what not to attend.

As parents, it was your job to nip this in the bud when it started. You didn’t.

Personally, having been in a situation where family like to comment on my child’s appearance, it wouldn’t have happened more than once. I would have stopped it straight away. If it happened a second time I wouldn’t have been attending myself.

But at this point, you go without them and when it’s asked why they aren’t attending you be honest. ‘They don’t feel comfortable with the repeated negative comment on their appearance so chose not come and we support that’.

Cant even work out why you would go or give a shit about these family members feelings, tbh.

Sunnnybunny72 · 09/03/2024 07:37

Is it your parents? Why do you bite your lip? Have you a history of deferring to them?
You'll be saying you have a 'close' relationship with them next.

LydiaPoet · 09/03/2024 07:39

AliceMcK · 09/03/2024 00:08

Errmm and what to do you say to defend your DDs? I wouldn’t want to go somewhere my appearance was criticised especially if my parents didn’t say any thing to defend my right to wear what the fuck I wanted.

I would just say firmly ‘you do this every time - you objective Julie and Sandra on their appearance - it’s actually rude and you do it every time. We don’t comment on your appearance, make up etc we don’t make personal appearance comments and you don’t get to know someone by doing it - please stop’

NotMeNoNo · 09/03/2024 07:39

Maybe it's time to drag out the MN classic "did you mean to be so rude?".

If the relatives have small DC they'll be there themselves one day anyway.

People do often blurt out thoughtless and obvious comments but it's still not appropriate.

willWillSmithsmith · 09/03/2024 07:44

Why do you bite your lip? Why is their offence more important than your own daughters’ offence? Strange. Your daughters are adult, they don’t need to put up with the insults if they don’t want to, added on to the fact you don’t have their corner. No wonder they refuse to attend.

JubileeJumps · 09/03/2024 07:46

My youngest dd has all but stopped seeing my mil because of the relentless comments about her appearance. I’ve told my mil that this is why she no longer sees her and I warned het before she finally stopped seeing her. My dd still texts her and sends her pictures of things she’s doing. But going on about her curly hair (too curly) choice of clothes (too baggy) and skin (such a shame you have so many spots your skin used to be lovely) - have destroyed their relationship.

LlynTegid · 09/03/2024 07:50

If they don't go, you should say why they are not there. If they take the hint and agree not to make comments, your DD might come for future events.

43ontherocksporfavor · 09/03/2024 07:51

Oh my god @JubileeJumps thats horrible! She’s lucky your DD still messages her.

RatatouillePie · 09/03/2024 07:51

So your daughters dress completely normally.

I suggest you support them and also wear jeans and DMs when you next go out.

Are you inlaws part of some religious culture that wear a uniform???? I find it really odd that they find jeans and DMs odd!

Twosticksandstring · 09/03/2024 07:53

@Thebirdlady What ,if anything,is the answer?

Surely the answer is to advocate for your daughters? Every time a negative comment is passed you should respond - whether your daughters are present or not.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/03/2024 07:55

Stop biting you lip and stand up for your girls.

What sort of example are you setting them?

Mnk711 · 09/03/2024 07:56

Agree with PPs, why aren't you speaking up? It doesn't need tobe an argument - just something like 'older people never understand the clothing choices of younger people, thats the way it's always been, let's leave the sartorial inquisition there please' with a laugh and change of subject.

NeedToChangeName · 09/03/2024 07:58

You could send a short, polite, factual message to explain why the girls are reluctant to attend

I don't blame them

OP, how would you feel if a new acquaintance criticised your appearance? Being family isn't a free pass to be offensive

MsSquiz · 09/03/2024 08:00

I wouldn't persuade them to go. I wouldn't want to be around people who constantly make digs about my appearance, regardless of who those people are.
And if someone asked where they were I would say "they didn't want to come as they're tired of people being negative about their appearance"

They might be "adults" but you still need to have their back in situations like this. And if they're too polite to say anything, it's up to you

rookiemere · 09/03/2024 08:02

Your DDs are young adults and shouldn't really be expected to socialise with relatives more than a few times a year. DS is expected to come up to see his DGPs once a quarter.

On the remarks maybe you could teach your DDs some good responses and/or get them to think about what is likely to be said before they get there so they can parry it , it might be fun to respond to every remark with something random "How very blue your jumper is auntie" or they could just stare at anyone who says anything.