Daughters don’t want to join in family gatherings

[Thebirdlady]

I have two daughters ( 20 years and 18 years) who dress in unconventional clothes (nothing shocking,just lots of dark colours and clumpy Dr Martens etc.)They always look smart and clean.
We get invited out for family meals with my in-laws and my husband’s niece,nephew and their very young children.
My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them? Or
some other comment.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What ,if anything,is the answer?

Being family isn't a free pass to be offensive

This. Say this to them.

My view is the girls are being slightly over sensitive based on what you've said. Asking someone how they walk in high shoes isn't exactly talking negatively. On the flipside yabu in making them.go, they are old enough to decide for themselves so if they are genuinely uncomfortable then let them skip it.

Stick up for your daughters!!!!

Stand up for them! Show them you protecting them, and how to handle comments to the speaker directly.

I wouldn’t be surprised if they were just as cross and let down by you as the family making the comments.

Why on earth are you "biting your lip"? What is that teaching your daughter's? Certainly not how to stand up for themselves that's for sure

Of course your children don't have to attend. They want to be off doing their own thing - and why shouldn't they. Also if people spoke about my kids like that I'd tell them where to go and wouldn't be meeting with them anyway. You should champion your kids first and foremost. I get sick of family who think they can comment on someone else's clothing, looks or life just because they are family.

Me neither! I’m 53 and live in docs and heavy metal band shirts. I’ve never really cared what people might think though.

What? You think it's lovely that this person 'bites her lip' and condones her kids being mocked and bullied repeatedly, and expects them to keep attending events with bullies? Come on.

I would be speaking to all of the family members before the event.

Explain how self conscious it makes them feel and how you would call them out if they were talking about someone else’s clothes in that way.

Then I would say something at the actual time too.

You are teaching your girls to be passive and act like you, which isn’t fair.

A quick “it’s called fashion, something that you obviously don’t understand 😊” remark will shut them up.

Why don't you teach your girls resilience and to answer back politely. These family members love them and your DDs have life to navigate too.

This. Let them not come to the next one and when they ask why they arent there- TELL THEM! "its because they feel uncomfortable due to your comments about their clothes/appearances". Noone likes being constantly criticised for their choice of clothes/appearance so why would they be any different just because they are younger. I bet if they criticised the older generation's appearance they'd be called rude and ageist. Its no different.

I was on the receiving end of this from one of my parents families my entire teen years and twenties - not for my clothes but for two physical feature that aren’t seen as bad/negative things (hence people think they’re free to be commented on) but brought me a lot of anxiety and I didn’t want to have to smile politely and talk about. It always felt like they were trying to assert superiority over me or something as their physical appearances were the complete opposite. No one else talked about anyone else’s physical appearance, just mine.

I don’t really have any advice as it’s really difficult. My parents would be furious at the comments, knowing how much they upset me, but never said a word to defend me. I never defended myself either, just deflected the comments /changed the subject. Over time I think this may have helped as they learned they weren’t going to get a rise from me.

If you can have a quiet word with the family members to ask them to stop it might really help - it’s worth trying. I would do that now if I was in my parents position.

Dark clothes and DMs are hardly unconventional!

I'd let your dc sit out on these occasions. Why should you care more about your in-laws feelings like than your own children?

My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them?

This really pisses me off- it's so rude. I had this when I was a teen but yet if I'd said to my elderly relatives "why do you all have the same blue rinse perms?" or "why are you wearing tan tights - they look so weird and dated" I'd have got hauled over the coals. Rudeness is rudeness, it doesnt matter who is saying it. The older generation go on constantly about young people having no manners and yet a lot of them seem to have none themselves.

You are teaching your girls to be passive and act like you, which isn’t fair

This 100%. Something I unfortunately now recognise has been passed on to me and is difficult to change for fear of ‘rocking the boat’ or causing issues. It’s not a good way to be and it really just means the relationships we have where we’re being passive on important issues are really just fake and meaningless relationships.

Im striving to not be this way. I wish I’d had a better example set.

Maybe you could ring mum in law and say the girls are sick of the comments on how they dress theyre young women now and they have their own style. I think you and the girls could also stick up for themselves a bit and say 'It's called style something you wouldn't know much about ' 'it isnt the 80s anymore ! - or whatever era said critic is from or some snappily similar . With a smile and a laugh . If they carry on say 'well that's enough of the advice from the fashion police !' 'Let's move on' or even ' Hey no wonder I had to persuade the girls to turn up today !'or' Hmm let's all criticise your outfit today shall we ?' Etc .Good luck !

The Op doesn’t make sense

’they are far more polite than I would be if someone commented on my appearance’

and also ‘I have to bite my lip’

So if someone commented on your appearance you would pull them up on it and stop them in their tracks. But you let it happen to your children and chose to bite your lip?

I have a feeling this might be written by someone else in the situation. Because I don’t understand someone being happy to stand up for themselves, but not their children.

Why isn’t your OH saying something to his family to defend the girls?
As an older teenager I dressed in vintage 50s clothing, anyone who commented within earshot of my mum would end up with a lecture from her.

I wouldn’t want to attend either if I were your daughters. I would accept your daughters not wanting to attend and if the extended family got “upset” about it I would say to them ‘what do you expect when you keep making negative comments about the way they dress?’ and leave it at that. Your wider family are rude.

My kids would give it right back at them, make a sarky comment about what they're wearing etc - shut it down from the get go

When my DD was 15 she suddenly started to develop and after being very lean it was a bit tricky for her to accept her curves. She was an 8-10 so slim and one day my DF pulled me aside to warn me to keep an eye on her weight. I was very glad he’d said it to me as that would have broken her at that age. I firmly told him he was way out of line and he didn’t utter any further nonsense.

I would go to an event without them and when relatives ask why tell them bluntly that they feel uncomfortable with the questions and judgement about their clothing choices which are all completely commonplace among young people (and not so young, I have clumpy shoes, doc martens and many dark clothes!)

Tell the relatives to stop commenting on your daughter’s appearance. I told mine to stop commenting about my DDs height. They made a big song and dance about sensitivities etc but they didn’t do it again.

It’s older people’s job to comment on the “yoof” of today. You daughters are old enough to stand up for themselves and laugh it off . Just call the oldies out and explain that this is fashion today .

It really depends on how it’s said though doesn’t it.

Maybe the OPs girls are desperately sensitive, maybe too much so. We have to be able to cater for different levels of sensitivities. My DD hated the constant commentary on her height. She was hunching over ….

They are adults and they shouldn't be forced to go to family gatherings. I did that myself as I found the whole thing boring. Probably another reason is that my late grandfather was the youngest and therefore everyone on my generation level is 10-20 years older than me.