Daughters don’t want to join in family gatherings

[Thebirdlady]

I have two daughters ( 20 years and 18 years) who dress in unconventional clothes (nothing shocking,just lots of dark colours and clumpy Dr Martens etc.)They always look smart and clean.
We get invited out for family meals with my in-laws and my husband’s niece,nephew and their very young children.
My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them? Or
some other comment.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What ,if anything,is the answer?

I think you need to stand up for them especially if it’s a few people wading in. Nicely in the first instance “well I think they look great, much nicer than the hideous stuff I used to wear and those shoes are much more practical than mine [CHANGE SUBJECT]” but more blunt if necessary “Come on Geoff, give it a rest, sure you wouldn’t want us all to start discussing your cords and cardigan for the next 10 minutes, let’s change the subject”.

Or TBH I’d just let them duck out for a bit and make their excuses, maybe mention to some of the worst offenders that not only are they very busy, some of the comments on their appearance were making them not enjoy the day.

You'd laugh off something you find offensive/upsetting would you? Or is it just 'yoof' that need to pretend to have no feelings?

Be proud you have raised daughters with boundaries.

MobileStationery · Today 00:12

Top tip for life.

Never EVER worry about upsetting someone who doesn't worry about upsetting you.

Fantastic tip-had never thought of it like that before. Tell those people why your daughters don’t want to be around rudeness. It’s ok to have private opinions on how people dress but these need to be kept private. How would they like it if they got a running commentary on how they dressed?

I don't blame your daughters. Why would anyone want to associate with people who scrutinise and put them down because of their appearance? They're adults and are choosing not to be around that sort of negativity.

The OP didn't say it was the 'oldies' making these comments. From my experience it isn't just older people who are twats. No one should have to 'laugh off' someone taking the piss out of their appearance/fashion choices.

They’re adults and are entitled to decline the invitation and presumably have a lot more exciting things to do than a family gathering.
How old are these relatives that comment on dark clothes and doc martens? That’s what me, my sisters and sister in laws are usually wearing at family events, we’re in our 40’s.

This!
My grandparents were always like this, passing comments about weight, hair style, clothes etc.
It's damaging as a child / young adult but what was worse was watching my parents let it slide every time.

They're adults not kids. They can make their own choices. If the family are offended by that, it's on them.

Your daughters sound great and I would be refusing to go if I was them as well.

Never EVER worry about upsetting someone who doesn't worry about upsetting you.

Agree.

And add to it wisdom from ddad - don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't ask for advice. Or opinion I guess, that would fit here with @Thebirdlady dc.

This doesn't have to be a dramatic fall out, you or your OH just need to have a quick call to them and tell them your daughters do not want to hear about the clothes they wear please stop.

If they then carry on then of course call them out, at the moment they might be seeing it as banter and not realise the hurt.

Speak to them privately and give them a chance to change without a lot of drama.

I’m going to be harsh @Thebirdlady but I think you need to hear it. Why are you biting your lip and teaching your daughters to stay quiet in face of this sort of thing. It sounds like you’ve raised them to be polite, not cause a scene, etc etc. gentle teasing from family should be easy to rebuff, what would they do when faced with for example inappropriate attention from a older man in workplace or in public? It doesn’t sound like you’ve equipped them very well to stand up for themselves.

Why on earth have you bitten your lip? Think what message that’s sent to your daughters? You should have supported them and put a stop to the stupid comments or let the wider family know that they won’t be coming because of the family’s constant rude comments.

Your daughters are now old enough to decide whether or not they want to go to these events. I don’t blame them for not going.

I agree with this.

No wonder it’s common to hear of young people with no resilience or sense of humour these days…. A family member teases you or says something you don’t like then just cut them off and don’t ever see them again?! Or aggressively respond? Just laugh it off or say ‘oh that’s the fashion granny’

"When I was growing up, it was a generational thing and if the older relatives in the family actually likedhow you looked, it felt odd and you'd question whether you looked old fashioned or something 😂😂"

OMG you have given me flashbacks of my dgm trying to make me wear one of her plastic headscarves to go out in the rain.

As adults they don’t have to go do they? I don’t make my 19yo go anywhere he doesn’t want to - he comes if he wants to!! Go by yourself and if anyone asks either tell them the truth or say they are busy!

Good on your daughters. My daughter now refuses to go for dinners at her in-laws house as they continually comment on her being a vegetarian and try to ‘convert’ her to eating meat. So as soon as she was old enough she just refused to go and I supported her in that.
Support your daughters and call them out when they make comments

Understandably so. Just what is unconventional about DMs?

Good for your daughters. You should have said something to the rude fuckers tbh.

I used to hate going to family events because of the interrogation and rude comments from relatives. Mainly because I didn't dress like my cousin, who dressed like our mothers (think black pencil skirt, twinset & pearls type), and that was deemed suitable. Not cIothes that were colourful and floaty, or - the horrors - jeans!!! I completely understand why your girls don't want to go!
Your daughters are fortunate to have you because you let them be themselves. It's your relatives who need to realise that they're being inappropriate and rude. They won't, though...

"No one should have to 'laugh off' someone taking the piss out of their appearance/fashion choices."

Nobody? Ever? Come on, some fashion choices really are laughable!

I bought a new winter coat with a big collar and was asked whether I'd just come from the Russian Front. You have to be able to take a joke sometimes.

Twitter thread on trying to be fashionable in Ireland goes viral (rte.ie)

TBH I'm not surprised your DDs don't want to go - and in their shoes part of that would be not wanting to go anywhere with a parent who didn't shut down the comments they make. Look into you own behaviour here.

They don't need to go to any of these events, don't push them. And frankly? you should only go one more time to tell your family they are hugely unreasonable, and they have to stop it or you'll stop attending too.

So they insult your daughters, you don't stand up for them, but then you're worried about upsetting the very people being rude to your daughters?
Why would your daughters wants to see them, ever?
If you're all invited, explain that you've insulted my kids way too many times and they no longer want to see you.
I don't understand why you would be biting your lip?!

Next time they extend an invite tell them exactly why your DDs won't want to come and what effect their constant comments are having on their relationship. If they continue to feel the need to make "jokey" unkind comments then they'll lose out on their grandkids.

My own Dgran had little filter and always felt the need to pass comment on my teenage hair, weight, choice of clothing or makeup and it completely ruined our relationship as I felt constantly judged. She was projecting her own failings onto me, didnt like me growing up with different attitudes to her and couldnt handle being unable to control her little grandaughter any longer.

how does OP sound lovely? i'm just reading "my girls are goths and i allow the family to criticise them to the point they're uncomfortable and i still force them to go to family gatherings"