Daughters don’t want to join in family gatherings

[Thebirdlady]

I have two daughters ( 20 years and 18 years) who dress in unconventional clothes (nothing shocking,just lots of dark colours and clumpy Dr Martens etc.)They always look smart and clean.
We get invited out for family meals with my in-laws and my husband’s niece,nephew and their very young children.
My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them? Or
some other comment.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What ,if anything,is the answer?

Just explain to in laws etc that they have voted with their Doc Martens and choose not to be reduced to a manikin. How utterly shallow, boring and offensive of the family members. It isn't the 1920s fgs! I would boycott them too.

Why do you push them into going when you know they’ll just be picked apart by rude relatives?

You don’t have to be rude in return, but you should certainly be sticking up for your girls.

”No, Susan and Mary decided not to come, understandably find the repeated rudeness about their appearances unpleasant… How is Jimmy getting on at school?”

You should be empowering your children to feel they don’t have to spend time with people who are rude to them.
No one is owed an explanation as to why they aren’t there, just say they are busy. No need to cause a argument unless you want to.

They’re adults and can choose not to go so there’s no forcing them… so invite them and let them decide.

I’m probably not going to be popular for this opinion… but if you are going to dress outside the norm then you need to be ready and able to take the comments. They need to own it and decide if their family is more more than a few totally predictable comments.

I say this as a teen growing up in the US during the heavy metal years when big hair, black eyeliner, and leather jackets with leather boots was the ‘odd thing’. My older sister was punk with combat boots and a mohawk … so comments were routinely made and heard when I was young.

The answer is, and should have been from the start, that you, as their parents, point out to the other family members how rude they are being.

But also, over the years, to have given your dds' a bit more self confidence to believe in themselves and their choices, and to help them understand that doing anything slightly outside the mainstream tends to attract comments, and they have choices about how they respond to those comments - sit there demurely as yours seem to, and be unhappy / change what they wear (which I hope they don't) and be unhappy but compliant / be rude back to anyone being rude to them (not what I'd advise either, but an option) / politely point out how rude people are being / laugh along with the criticisms or come up with some witty responses.

This. but given they're all in-laws your DH should be the one that says it. If he won't though you should say something and stand up for your daughter.

Very well said - that should be a basic skill.

To not go rather than fix it seems extreme.

Your daughters are adults, and pushing them to attend functions where they will be ridiculed is cruel. Stop it.

Are they actually bothered? Surely it would be weird of some ancient old fart appreciated their slightly alternative sartorial selections? They have nothing in common with these people clearly.

Just imagine of they all wanted to copy your daughters' style? Be a lot worse.
They don't want to attend because these people are 'arses/ old'.

There's nothing wrong with them not attending, why would they?

It's their grandparents and other family members. Of course they're (a) expected to attend and (b) unhappy. It's no fun thing from strangers, but strangers you're never going to see again and them commenting about you to you is weird. It's unpleasant from family members, who should love you but are instead criticising you all the time and making out that they don't care so much about you as for some idea of a grandchild/niece that they have in their head and you're not fulfilling.

Goodness. Let your kids decide for themselves whether they want to attend and tell your relatives that the rude comments are putting them off.

You stop leaning on your DDs to attend these family gatherings.

When these stupid, shallow arseholes comment on their absence you tell them it is because your DDs (and you) are totally fed up of the constant and rude digs at their perfectly reasonable appearance.

You should have done that right from the beginning, not bitten your tongue. Why the hell should your DDs have to endure that shitty behaviour from these people?

I had this constantly from relatives as a kid/teen

’i hope you didn’t pay good money for those jeans, they’re full of holds’
’where’s the rest of your skirt?’
’what are those clodhoppers on your feet?’

I think it was just affectionate ribbing but I am such an introvert that it really did affect me and make me even more shy.

I would not try to drag adult children to these gatherings. Also, I wouldn't be going to them myself. Find nicer people to spend your time with.

“Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What, if anything, is the answer?”

The answer is to stand up for your girls, have their backs and be polite and assertive. Next time you’re invited you say that you’d like to encourage your DD’s to attend but only if your family can agree not to comment on their appearance and clothing choices, as it’s upsetting and unnecessary for them to do so.

And you tell your girls that that’s what you’re doing. And if it happens on the day you tackle it (eg. “I think we agreed that X’s shoes weren’t going to be a subject to comment today” followed by a withering stare)

By biting your lip you’ve taught them that the only way to deal with this behavior is to tolerate it silently or avoid these people entirely. Sometimes avoidance is a good tactic - but we can’t always avoid incidents like this (and this kind of stuff happens in workplaces and in social situations as well as in families), so this is a good opportunity for you all to practice responding in a proportionate way/brushing it off/calling it out or whatever feels most appropriate.

In any case make sure you validate their feelings about it and let them know you’re on their team and have their back and leave their attendance up to them, rather than adding a sense of guilt… otherwise you will eventually find they will group you in with the other family members in the ‘people to avoid if I want to feel good about yourself’ category (guilt doesn’t make us feel good).

This. I doubt they would be pleased if OP’s daughters fired back with their own comments or anyone commented negatively on their appearance. I bet they think because they’re older and family they get a pass.

I recall many of the unnecessary comments about my appearance from family despite it being what is considered normal, appropriate and being neat and clean. I chose to see less of them as I got older. I had bullying at school and then had this sh*t and wasn’t going to put up with it any longer and why should I or anyone for that matter?

People can simply worry about their own appearances and mind their business. I also hate the belief that because it’s family, it’s just gentle ribbing and showing love. If both sides do not agree then it’s not.

I would tell them all why your daughters don’t want to go. Let them know that you’re not going to force them to hang out with people who criticize their appearance ever.

Isn't it really obvious what you do? You tell the relatives that if they want to see your kids they wind their fucking necks in and stop taking the piss out of them.

Yet another thread where people are pussyfooting around rude family members!

Don't force them to go and tell your relatives they have made them so uncomfortable they don't want to come.

BTW late 50s here, still wear Docs and 90% of my clothes are black.

Really not sure why you’re not seeing the obvious answer here OP. You shouldn’t be in the least bit bothered about your family being offended about your daughters not turning up.

Either you need to tell your family they are being rude arseholes, or let your daughters know it’s ok for them to call out shitty behaviour when they next come for a meal.

My mum never backed me up with this sort of thing and it’s one of the reasons I don’t have a close relationship with her.

I also personally don’t see docs as ‘unconventional’.

Speak up for your girls yourself, but also most children at 18 and 20 would not want to go to gatherings with their parents they would rather be with their friends.
I would not make them go, but if anyone asked where they were I'd say they don't like coming because people always comment on their appearance.

Why don't you call people out when they do it? If someone criticised your dress would you feel comfortable/happy to attend?

I assume your dd don't feel they can speak back due to a power imbalance. I wouldn't go somewhere where I was mocked either.

I think it’s great that they’ve put boundaries in place for themselves. I’m sorry but I would have nipped the comments in the bud after the first couple of times. Don’t worry about upsetting the family concentrate on your daughter’s feelings.

I wouldn't make them go.