To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

I wouldn’t stop any of it - wtf, this is way too over bearing of the school to think they can control her outside of school life! Bizarre

Multiple detentions in year 5? Why?

Generally speaking I wouldn’t carry punishments from school home unless they’re very serious.

Are they one of these ridiculously strict schools? Or are these punishments indicative of wider behaviour issues?

Teacher is overstepping the mark - and I say this as a teacher. She should not be 'urging you to re-think'.

Your response should be 'I won't be doing that for medical reasons. We do support the school which is why we have stopped 2 activities, but I'm not going to be overly punitive'.

Oh FFS! Would you consider it if the school suggested taking away medication for a long term condition? Use some common sense!

What did your DD do to merit losing so much?

But no... that isn't a dun activity, its a medical treatment really.

This seems way over the top, what is she doing to get the detentions?? Imo unless it's major, the detention is the punishment. Surely that's the point?? There is no need to be removing activities and phones etc on top that's ridiculous.

Even if there is a need for that (I doubt it) I categorically wouldn't be taking away her yoga as it supports her health and well-being!!!

School need a re-think here, not you!!!

Year 5? Why the fuck are you considering any of this shit?

I would not be taking away any after school activities. They would probably do more to regulate her mood and behaviour than anything else.

And no - your daughter shouldn’t be caused physical pain to teach her a lesson @StoppingTheClassDueToDetention

So because she's had 3 detentions the school expect all 3 of her activities stopped, as well as phone removal? You don't say what the misdemeanor was that led to the final detention but this seems unnecessarily harsh and likely to make her fight back even more. I wouldn't be making her stop this yoga type activity at all even if it wasn't for the health aspect. She's only 9, give the poor kid a break.

What on earth has she done to warrant this level of punishment? I'd be a bit annoyed if school were telling me how to discipline my child at home. What do you think you should do as an involved parent who supports the school , I'd do that and no more.

It sounds more like a prison than a school. Crazy, over the top and the teachers attitude to the yoga seems just cruel.

Unless your dd is seriously disruptive or bullying other children, this is total overkill. Especially if she's only had 3 detentions all term.

What was she given the detentions for in the first place?

School has no business telling parents how to discipline their children outside of school, dd has served her punishment in school.

She's your child not theirs for goodness sake! If you want to take her to Yoga so she's not in pain then that is what you do. School have no right to dictate to you what punishment your child needs outside school, it's none of their business at all so you don't need run anything past them at all

@Merryoldgoat Quite strict, they wear blazers and expect perfect uniform.

1 detention was for forgetting her locker key so she couldn't get any of her stuff (they didn't give her a chance to call me to bring it in as a one off I'd do this as I wfh)
1 detention was for being caught drinking out her bottle in the corridor between lessons (drinks only allowed at break and lunchtime)
1 detention for not wearing her houses pin on her tie (it was on her blazer lapel)

Don't take away her yoga or her choir. Fine to back up the school by losing a privilege at home, but taking away these things is going to impact on her wellbeing, and NOT improve her behaviour

Its way too much

There isn't a teacher in the world that I will allow to have jurisdiction over me and what I choose to do with my child outside of school hours.

What is a 9 year old child, in year 5 doing to be punished with detentions?

Then I'd seriously be telling them to do one. Honestly, ridiculous reasons to punish a child!!! FFS what do the school think they are teaching g kids by punishing them so harshly for minor things.

On your latest update, I’d let her do all her usual activities and return the phone. School is acting as a petty Hitler.

Fuck that. I thought this was going to be abut violence or racism... something actually serious.

No phone and activities for forgetting a blinking house pin?

Just tell her off and let her do her activities, with a warning about future behaviour.

This is quite insane (the school, not you!). The school have zero right to dictate how you and your child should lead your lives outside of school, or for them to try and drag you into their what appears to be ideologically punitive madness. A parent’s support of the school giving a detention should stretch to that and that alone, ie. respecting that the school have made an informed decision and not ordinarily questioning it. Keep the form tutor on side (because they are for sure just the messenger here) and let them know you’re escalating the policies to the leadership. Then tell them they have no right to overstep like this, and that you will manage your family’s arrangements as you see fit.

Your 9 year old is getting detention?! And you're considering further punishment at the behest of the teacher?
If I were you I'd be considering a different school.
Absolutely do not remove your 9 year old child from her activities.

Given your updates I’d have refused to cancel a single activity and I’d not be pleased any of those detentions happened,

I cannot wait until the world catches up and these schools aren’t allowed to behave like this anymore.

I’d have to seriously consider moving schools.

I would be removing her from that school. Punishing a 9 year old for forgetting a key or having a drink of water is absolutely ridiculous, and to expect you to further punish her out of school by stopping her doing activities which are of benefit to her learning and well being is cruel and completely goes against everything we know about discipline and child development. To ask you to do something which they already know will lead to physical pain is bordering on child abuse!