To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

The school sounds unhinged - god forbid your child had a drink when they were thirsty outwith with the designated drinking areas. I'd be telling them to shove their detentions, refusing to attend their meetings and absolutely not entertaining any further consequences for your poor daughter

Assuming we aren't actually talking about a clearly recreational activity or something equally not actually physically therapeutic being dressed up as one for the sake of winning support on MN, so it's something like swimming/hydrotherapy, Pilates, Karate or horseriding...

Removing the physical activity/therapy would be actively targeting her Protected Characteristic of a long term condition that substantially limits her activities (and if she has something like arthritis than can have periods of remissions and relapse, it's the potential for it to return and/or progress that means it is still regarded as such).

So no, that wouldn't be acceptable to do - or, in my opinion, even consider suggesting you do - and I would expect that to be the subject of a complaint to the Head, as the teacher is suggesting that you specifically target and remove the therapeutic activity that she only needs as a result of her Protected Characteristic as a punishment.

In short, that's direct discrimination on the basis of her disability.

She’s 9, the rules are utterly ridiculous but the punishment was the detention. School has no authority over my child outside of school and I’d not be imposing further punishment of any kind unless I thought my child’s behaviour was over the line and I’d be clear about that with any teacher who suggested otherwise.

I absolutely wouldn’t take away any of her activities for these things.

She’s already had detentions, and that’s more than enough.

Reinstate all activities and tell the school that you will parent out of school hours.

Wow. She might lose performing in the choir for those 'crimes'!?
Ott.
As for the yoga aspect... I would be explaining to the teacher why that will never happen no matter what's she's done.

As a secondary school teacher I think a detention and stopping two clubs is enough, if the yoga one is helpful for pain levels, definitely don’t take it away! I don’t know what your daughter did but as she’s not being suspended it can’t be too serious so at aged 9 I think the above punishment is definitely enough. Not sure why the primary school teacher is urging you so much- i would highlight the medical aspect of it but also at the end of the day it’s your rules at home they can’t force you

Assuming we aren't actually talking about a clearly recreational activity or something equally not actually physically therapeutic being dressed up as one for the sake of winning support on MN, so it's something like swimming/hydrotherapy, Pilates, Karate or horseriding...

Even if it was wholly recreational why on earth would you remove it on the insistence of the school for a misdemeanour they’ve already issued punishment for?

This school sounds horrible! Not only should she not have been given those detentions but to punish her OUTSIDE of school too?! Doesn't even warrant removal of a phone imo.

My god it sounds awful, who tf do these ppl think they are?

I wouldn't be taking away any activities, or her phone. School have already punished her for the (minor) infractions. I seriously disagree with double punishments. She's had the consequences, I don't see why that has to carry on and on. I wouldn't have her drop any of her activities personally.

What nonsense is this? The teachers have no right to tell you what punishments to dole out at home full stop. The punishments are being incurred in school via detentions (which she shouldn't be getting either). If there are still problems it's because their methods of fixing the issue are ineffective or nonsense to start with.

If it were my child I would be talking to her about school and her feelings but I absolutely would not be doling out my own punishment for this kind of thing. Bullying others or something else serious yes, but not this.

I always take the phone off her after school anyway unless it's the night she's going to her dads, so that's not an unusual thing for us so isn't a punishment - I take away as she has a tendancy to just sit on it and play games or text as she's 9. It's literally so I can let her know where to meet me as she comes out of school.

Detention is punishment in school for misdemeanours. Punishment at home should be for misdemeanours at home. Unless the behaviour in school is really unacceptable and repeated ie the school punishment isn't enough. Even then, I'd want to understand what's going on to cause the poor behaviour, especially in a young child.

No way would I be removing phones, stopping activities or threatening the removal of a future activity (the choir) for the minor infringements of school policy.

Your child is 9. Let her be a child. Nod and smile at the school if need be. But don't let school's outlandish strict policies impact on how you parent.

Are the initials of the school VG?

That's not the point @NeverDropYourMooncup is making

The point is that if the activity specifically is done as therapy for a disability then insisting on it stopping is actively discriminating against a disabled child because they are getting an additional punishment (pain) on top of what all the other children are getting

If its purely recreational then stopping it is the same punishment that non disabled children get

If its physical therapy then they are suggesting that disabled children should be punished above and beyond the punishment able bodied children get which is direct discrimination

They are quite minor issues and ridiculous expectations for a 9 year old. I wouldn't stop Amy home activities for that. And I would put a formal complaint in for being pressured to stop exercise that is beneficial to her physical health

This just sounds bonkers. Taking away phone or screen time is fine, but activities are wholesome, not a bargaining chip. I would urge the teacher to rethink - though obviously that would go badly.

Wow. Just wow. Is this that Michaela place or something? It actually sounds worse. Just vile. Please take her out before she is damaged physically and mentally. It has to be a priority. I wouldn’t be doing any of their bullshit and would be reporting to everywhere I could think of (ofsted, governors, the daily fucking mail). I’d also go in to see the head on Monday to tell him or her personally to fuck off. Please give her a hug and step up as a parent.

I wouldn’t be cancelling any out of school activities.

i can’t believe what I’ve read. She’s in year 5. It doesn’t matter how old you are, sometimes you forget something! And god forbid a swig of water!

what a load of nonsense

I wouldn't take anything away,she's had consequences issued by school for something that happened in school. It's so OTT, she's only nine years old I wouldn't be agreeing to any after school detention either.

Change schools, that's totally insane.

This sort of behaviour management sounds deeply damaging. The rules almost sound designed so that children inadvertently break them and can then be punished for it so as to break down their spirit. Children must be walking on eggshells. I’m all for firm boundaries but it sounds like they have lost all sense of perspective.

And… she’s in pain poor lamb. Just getting through the day must be hard. Evil bastards.

The school sounds stricter than prison!

I wouldn't remove her phone or stop any of her activities for that and I'd not let her stay behind for a detention either. That is not misbehaviour! Have the teachers never forgotten anything? Or not placed something in the right position? (does that even matter?) and the kid was thirsty and drinking, not throwing it all over or wetting other people with it. Sorry none of those deserve punishment.

I would be telling the school that the detentions are sufficient and that I wouldn’t be doubling up on punishment at home. The punishment the school enforced was detentions- why does there have to be additional punishment at home?

I actually think the school are being ridiculous with the detentions for really minor non important things. The school sound over zealous and way too strict. Your poor daughter x