To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Wow your poor kid, not being allowed to be a kid at all. Step up, she's done nothing wrong. Detention for having a drink, omg! Give her all her activities back, this is insane.

This school sounds awful!

This is so ridiculously over the top for a 9 year old. What on earth is the school thinking? Forgetting a pin etc. Seriously.

I wouldn't be adjusting any out of school activities. Out of school activities are nothing to do with school, they are usually an enrichment, developing a skill, or developing fitness, all of which are important in producing a well rounded human. Don't pull her out of the choir concert as this is something she is working towards as part of a team. Certainly don't stop yoga - that's ridiculous.
She is getting a lot of detentions though for a 9yo, is there something going on?

For those minor infractions I wouldn’t even stop the other two activities, let alone one that was medically necessary. Completely over the top and more likely to turn her off school than encourage a good attitude to learning.

I work closely with the school on my daughter’s behaviour and we back up school discipline, but for such small errors I wouldn’t be cancelling out of school activities.

Jesus, it sounds like a Borstal! I’d look at other schools. The poor kids must be nervous wrecks!

Can you move schools? She's Year 5 so 9 or 10. There's just no need for draconian rules/punishments. Having said that yr5 also seems young for a phone so maybe it's me 🤷‍♀️

What the actual hell? What kind of school is this? I'd be moving school asap. This is beyond belief. Don't do any of the outside school punishments. Your poor child.

This sounds OTT. Just tell the school that it’s a medical necessity. Presumably they wouldn’t even know about the ‘yoga’ unless you had told them?

The whole approach seems very controlling.
You DD didn’t meet expectations in school and has been given 3 detentions. If the school doesn’t think that is enough, they can take further action INSIDE school.

Is the school doing anything alongside the punishments to try and help your DD?

It really does. Dickensian.

None of the school's business what your DD does in her own time anyway. Certainly not appropriate to stop an activity which sounds like it has therapeutic benefits.

In year five?! Fuck no. I wouldn’t be leaving my child in that school either.

I get that schools want parents to back them up and it’s an issue when parents undermine school. But… firstly the detentions are way over the top for what she’s done, secondly the teacher should not be “urging you to rethink” and thirdly if yoga stops her being in pain then no bad behaviour in the world would make me take it away. I wouldn’t have taken away any other activities for anything less than bullying, racism, etc. I think you’re absolutely unreasonable for threatening to take her choir away for these ridiculous reasons.

Please do not stop any of her out of school activities, and I say that as a Year 5 teacher! I have never heard a school insisting on this ….. it’s madness. Also, take her to the cafe after yoga. X

The fuck would I be taking her outside activities away for these minor slip ups and I'm absolutely appalled that her tutor thinks this is appropriate. As for suggesting that she isn't allowed to go to something that has positive effects on a medical condition... words fail me.

A ridiculous over reaction for very minor issues. The school sounds absolutely bat shit.

Oh goodness, I just saw your update saying what the detentions are for! I wouldn’t be supporting them at all, that is WILD. Are schools genuinely like this?!

I have never imposed additional sanction an any of my DC.

Yes I support the school in their sanctions, and would talk to DC about what they'd done, why it was wrong etc. But not a chance I'd add further punishment.

After all, does school isolate pupils from friends when they're grounded for a week for misbehaviour at home? No, thought not

Sounds like the school are trying to work with parents which is a good thing. I think you shouldn't stop the yoga like activity it's important for her pain management.
However I would want to know why she is picking up detentions. Some detention is hard to avoid, it's an odds game, everyone is late sometimes , everyone will forget their homework once.
No student likes detention, help her remove the cause.

Surely if the activity is something like yoga, she doesn’t need to go to the class - she can do it from home?

@JaneKatSuttonGoals It's a middle school so run more like a secondary than a primary, she's currently the youngest year group in school - Year 8 (12/13) is the oldest.

Why are you taking anything away?

I wouldn't stop any of her activities for those sorts of minor issues. The detention is more than enough! I think the school is being ridiculous.

The school's approach sounds abusive, tbh.

Also if those are the big guns that come out for forgetting a locker key, what would be the consequence of a major infraction e.g. vaping. Not saying that your daughter would do those, but if the consequence for something serious like vaping is the same as having a pin on your blazer instead of your tie, it doesn’t leave anywhere to go in terms of consequence.

I started a thread a few days ago querying what other people do re detentions and imposing sanctions at home. It was 99% that the detention is a sanction. My kid is in y 8, detention in y5 is not appropriate at all imo.