To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Reading this reminds me of when I was at school at your DD's age .... only it was 1979 and not 2024!!

I can't believe a school would treat nine year old students like this.

Just seen your update OP. Are you in the UK? Hard to believe any school would be quite so Victorian.
I certainly wouldn’t stop any outside activities for those particular incidents! I thought you were going to say physical violence or rudeness or repeated lateness with homework. Your DD’s incidents are minor - each one by itself shouldn’t really warrant a detention.
I would seriously look at other schools.

WTF that is CRAZY. That level of enforcement on a 9yo?!? My son is 14, in y9 and is a dozy sod and gets detentions because of it. The punishment IS the detention - and if it's after school he has to get himself home on the service bus which is a bit awkward. Nothing more than that

So to be clear your child's teacher is suggesting that your child should be made to suffer worse physical pain as a punishment for forgetting a key, having a drink and wearing her badge in the wrong place...

That's utterly fucked. As a physically disabled person who suffers pain I cannot tell you strongly enough how much you cannot listen to the school on this

It's an utterly abhorrent suggestion, and in many other situations an adult suggesting a disabled child be made to suffer pain as punishment for minor infractions would be a cause for social services not something to be listened to

Not really any other options for Middle School, the other 2 schools are much further away and wouldn't work in terms of timings with my work = even though I wfh I still need to be logged in at certain times and I can always get back in time for starting with this school.

It's also the catchment school for both me and ExH so it makes things harder slightly for contact. I will enquire with the others but there is no wraparound like at First School, so it's a case of making it work.

I will allow her to go to her activities tomorrow and Choir on Monday and will give the phone back Monday morning before school.

Whole thing sounds absolutely ridiculous, don't take anything away!

She’s paid the price for her misdemeanours (detentions). There’s absolutely no way I would be punishing her again at home!

Sounds like an utterly horrible school.

What could a 9 year old little girl be doing that is so bad to be punished in this way? Maybe you could elaborate a little on the reasons for this extreme treatment. But in response to your question, 100% no, in fact don't do any of the things that the school have told you to do, the detention is punishment enough. School literally have NO say on what happens out of school hours when your child is with you. I can't believe that this is even a real post it sounds so extreme.

This is crazy, is that even a school or a prison. The detention is way more than those situations warrant. I won’t be cancelling any activity or banning her from the phone either. I also think you need to rethink this school, this sound like the worst primary school in England surely.
I grew up in a third world country where our teachers use canes etc to purnish and none of those 3 things will warrant purnishment

Detentions shouldn't exist until secondary. Is this a uk school?

This school needs to get a grip.
Detention for those 3 'infractions' is insane anyway; there's not a chance in hell I'd be doing ANY further punishments at home. Let the poor kid do her normal activities.

The whole punishments sound vile!! I wouldn’t stop any of her activities the teacher sounds like a major douche

What happens in school stays in school. I have never and will never punish for in-school misdemeanors.

School don't discipline for me for home misdemeanors.

She's 9op stand up for your baby!

Utterly ridiculous! I thought you were going to say bullying or stealing! I'd tell them to wind their neck in!

They cannot dictate how you punish her outside of the school, absolutely no way. Especially asking you to pull her from pre-paid activities. No way.

My god, the Victorians have just telegrammed, they want their school back.

there’s no way I would be punishing at home for those behaviours. School seem way over the top.

Rules like this are partly why school anxiety is on the rise, we all forget stuff and as an adult being told when I can drink water is just unacceptable.
i would not be punishing her at all for them and would be making my feelings on such rules
it isn’t teaching them anything

none of those infractions warrant any follow up at home.

And I would normally remove fun stuff at home to support school.

I wouldn't take any of it away. She's had her punishment in the detentions.

It would be a no from me. Two reasons.
One: School punishments are school punishments. DC mess up, they take the consequences and that's the end of it. I don't need to get involved in minor misdemeanours.
Two: After school clubs require discipline and commitment, even if they are fun. DC need to know that turning up matters. So no, it doesn't get cancelled because a teacher says so.

Don’t stop any of the activities! This is complete overkill on behalf of the school. Would it work the other way? If you were punishing her for something she’d done at home would you expect school to carry it on for you during school hours?

If she’s just got a detention for a normal issue like forgetting homework or chatting a bit in class there is absolutely no need for you to also punish her at home.