To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Wow. It sounds like such a miserable environment. What exactly are they training these kids to do? To follow meaningless rules and be scared of making mistakes? How’s that going to help when they’re adults?

If it helps I do agree with the water thing, especially as her condition is better managed when she's hydrated!

Also think as a one off she should of been allowed to ask me to bring her locker key in - if I forgot my desk key at work I would be allowed to go and get it as a one off, only if it kept happening would I be pulled up for it (and even then probably told to not use the lock anymore)

This.
Another teacher here!

I’m curious why you chose this school for her, presumably with some idea of this very strict behaviour policy. I know there is a move towards this type of regulated behaviour policy.

I would love to hear the school’s answer to how this would be acceptable.

I would go ballistic if someone tried to tell my child they can’t drink water. What kind of rule is that

wow now I’ve read this I’d definitely be telling them to take a running jump

I also think the form tutor is the messenger rather than the policy maker, I doubt for a second he actually thinks a child shouldn't be allowed to do things they need to do for health as he didn't sound like he believed himself when asking me.

It makes me sad that they managed to persuade you to agree to cancel two of her activities and guilted you enough you're posting on here wondering whether you should also take the third away...on top of taking her mobile for the weekend. She had a drink and her badge was in the wrong place!

Stick up for her! and yourself! I would go absolutely bonkers at any of my DD's teachers for even suggesting such things.

The world needs middle managers

Firstly, I'd be reframing the school's 'request'. Would it be unreasonable to withdraw something that alleviates your daughters pain as a form of punishment? Hell no. If they asked you to smack her, I assume you would rightly tell them to fuck off. From what you've said, this would cause her more pain and for longer.
Secondly, these are tiny, very minor issues. Even giving detention for them seems excessive. Anything more is frankly starting to look like abuse of power. What do they do when a pupil is found to be bullying, or smoking, or fighting?!?

I wouldn't be taking away anything as a consequence for these!
No drinking except break or lunch and a house pin on the wrong place should warrant no punishment, even from school, unless it's there's more to it than this (eg she wasn't drinking, but was squirting water at people).
The forgotten key, alright, daft thing to do, but we've all forgotten something once in a while, her not having any books for the day is annoying, so perhaps a punishment for that one, but as a first offence, a lunchtime detention seems like the max. Would you stop yourself going to everything you enjoy because you left your work lanyard at home? Or if you had some minor uniform violation?

I'd tell the school you'll not be removing any of her clubs long term, but you have spoken to her and hopefully there'll be no further incidences. Then maybe have a read through of the ridiculously strict and punitive school rules and go over them with her to avoid detentions for daft things like badges in the wrong place.

The kind of thing I'd expect a school to recommend you stopping other activities for would be something like 'she hasn't done multiple pieces of homework for weeks' or 'she is so tired she's literally falling asleep in class'. Or really extreme behaviour where you could see the activities where having a negative impact.

OP this really isn't normal for a secondary school let alone for a 9 year old! I would really consider moving her.

A detention for having a swig of water between lessons or not wearing a stupid pin?

Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. I get the locker one but only if happened multiple times.

This school is ridiculous. I believe in rules and discipline but not stupid ones.

Omg my ADHD self would have been in detention all year round and I'd never have any outside life if I went to that school 😱 your poor daughter

A 9 year old child got detention for having a sip of water? That's terrible! The others are ridiculous too and for them to want her to miss paid for activities for such stupid petty 'offenses' is disgusting. Please don't take away things she loves because she is being human! Is it a religious school? I've never heard of any schools acting this way and would be outraged at my child being treated like this. Have you asked friends with similar aged or older kids if they experienced this?

And this explains why most LAs are scrapping middle schools..
It's ridiculous to treat 9 year olds this way. Lockers and blazers and house pins and water rules and changing classrooms.
They should be in a primary school set up.
Honestly I'd ignore the whole thing. The detention is punishment enough for these minor infringements..

I don’t think those are valid reasons for a detention in a secondary school either, to be perfectly frank (and speaking as a secondary school teacher). I certainly would consider an after-school detention more than sufficient punishment without taking away any activities outside school. I also wouldn’t give my Year 5 child a phone but, if I did, I wouldn’t be taking it away because they made these mistakes. The punishment should fit the crime - these are errors of disorganisation mostly, which is not related to the phone or anything else. She’s young so she just needs a little more support in making sure she’s organised for the day (and a new school…)

She's 9, wtf! School ends at 3.15, that's when their ability to influence my daughter's behaviour also ends.

No part of this sounds age appropriate or conducive to good mental health for your daughter.

Seriously, on top of a detention you're taking away things your kid loves for extreme misbehaviour like "drinking out of a water bottle" and "wearing a house pin 2 inches to the left of where it should be"? Give your head a fucking wobble and look look after your bloody kid, don't pander to this shite!

Please let this be a troll thread.

Excessive and intrusive behaviour from a primary school

You are your disabled child's advocate in a world that isn't set up well for people with disabilities

Don't ever let anyone make you doubt yourself when doing that advocating

My parents did not advocate for me as a disabled child and it left lasting harm. I struggled for years before I realised that it was okay to ask for help, or adjustments or support

Your daughter needs your support more than the school does in this instance

I see its a middle school, it would be just as intrusive from a high school

I would be looking for a different school, OP. I would also inform the Chair of Governors, in writing, that the school appears to be in breach of Article 8 of the Human Rights Act. Then pass on your concerns to Ofsted.

Wow, I actually find it shocking how punitive your DD's school is. At 9?? There is no way I would carry on any restrictions/punishment at home. For drinking out of her water bottle? Forgetting a pin? That's absolutely crazy. My 14 year old got detention the other day for talking in class, beyond talking to her about being more respectful of her teacher and classmates, I am not going to do anything more and it wouldn't even occur to me to do so

Jeez. I'd be getting her out of there. She's only 9 ffs

Well that school sounds awful! For those very minor things I wouldn't punish her at all at home! Detention for drinking water- that's made me feel sick. How is that OK?